


Strangers in Symmetry

by Hyperionova



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Fantasy, M/M, Magic School, Twins Sehun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-19 07:05:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18132506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova
Summary: The tale of the twins who swapped places to meet their destinies.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ZKDLINxOOHSEHUN](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZKDLINxOOHSEHUN/gifts).



> The chapters will be posted on a daily basis!

He had dreams. Vivid, lucid dreams.

When he was five, he dreamed of a fire. He was in the middle of a grove that was ablaze, flames curling and dancing around him as the vicious heat licked up his skin. He held his hands to his chest, scared and enticed at the same time at the destruction before his eyes. The palls of smoke and soot were suffocating him, but he did not turn a hair.

He heard his mother’s scream.

When he roused that night to the bright cacophony in his room, his father was shaking his shoulders. It was hot. Everything was on fire.

His mother was holding his brother in her arms, tears streaking her face. In that moment, she had looked at him with an abhorrence he would never forget.

When he was seven, he saw a grumpy man kick an innocent stray dog that whined at him out of hunger. It was perhaps the first time he had experienced _anger_ and _vengefulness._ It was supposed to be an uneventful, mundane day. His mother took him and his brother to the fishermen village to buy some fresh fish. When he saw the cute puppy, his heart had fluttered. He wanted to pet it. He tried to tell his brother about the puppy, but the latter was too busy blushing at a big, muscled fisherman, who had handed him a wilting wildflower before giving it its vigour and colour back with the low-level magic the less magical ones with weaker Mana could do. His brother said his thanks and sniffed the flower relentlessly the rest of the way.

 He asked his mother if he could pet the dog. His mother told him that he could not. Disappointed, he waved the dog goodbye. Before he could take his eyes off the puppy, he saw a man kick it, shooing it away in the most barbarous way possible. He was not sure what he was doing, but the next thing he knew, the man was choking on his own poisoned blood. He held his hand up, causing the man to squirm on the ground. His mother had cried when she realized what her son was doing and begged him to stop.

The same year his brother learned to make a small ripple on the surface of a stagnant water with magic, he was transforming bricks to clay in the walls of his house, bending metal without even touching it, seeing spirits that weren’t there in his sleep without knowing anything about theurgical magic. As much as he wanted to stop himself, he could not. It fascinated him. The way his Mana tingled all over his body felt wonderful.

It had been way too long since he had felt that powerful.

There was a world out there. Beautiful, magical, adventuresome. What would it be like to be a part of _that_ world? To be… out there, seeking exciting feats, encountering new people, forging unforeseen friendships, running with the wind, falling in love, feeling the raindrops on his skin, unleashing his Mana without limit.

His gaze followed the raindrops that trickled along the window glass of his quiet, dark room. Lifting his fingers, he gently walked them down the cold glass, a book resting idly on his lap, pages unturned for hours. The world he wanted to be a part of was so close yet so far away from his reach.

What awaited him out there, he often mused to himself. What wondrous things, what great adventures awaited him out there…?

He had a dream last night. He was standing in an alley, one that he had never been to before. It was dark. He remembered gazing up at the night sky that was as black as the stygian river. When he lowered his head again, he was met with the silhouette of a stranger. He rarely had dreams. And when he had them, they always meant something. Most nights, he dreamed of drowning in a sea of black. He’d wake up, suffocated, his Mana almost surging out of him.

Averting his eyes to the book on his lap, he frowned. The only means through which he was able to see the world all these years was books. And he was becoming awfully tired of them.

The door creaked open. He lifted his head and looked at the Housemother, who had walked in.

“You’ve got a visitor,” she spat, dully as always. She was never a friendly soul. She was, however, always fatigued with the banality of life at the Clovervale Manor For The Uncanny.

Uncanny was not a term he would describe himself with. That was the word everyone else around him used to define him. Including his own parents, who had left him here when he was nothing but a child.

They used to pay him a visit once every month for the first few years. Those visits soon thinned before they completely stopped coming. And that was okay. He never wanted them to come and see him, anyway.

He rose from the windowsill he was perched on and neatened the creases on his grey uniform. Everyone at the manor was required to wear the uniform that was as grey and bleak as the walls of Clovervale Manor.

“A visitor?” he echoed, voice monotonous as always. He set his book on the desk by his bed and straightened his shirt.

“Come on down.” With that, the Housemother slammed the door shut behind her as she stomped out of the room.

Who could it be, he wondered. His parents, who had not come to see him in years? His brother, who was not allowed to visit him since they turned fourteen? These were the only people he knew from the outside world.

He paused to check the laces of his shirt before wending his way out of the room.

The hallways of the manor were as dingy and grey as the rest of the manor. Abysmal with crevices and ages old cobwebs that collected heaps of dust in every corner. He had gotten used to them after having walked through the hallways for the past ten years. Just like how he had gotten used to the stale breads and flavourless pottages that were served for every meal at the manor.

He was nine when he was first brought to the Clovervale Manor. Back then, as he climbed out of the carriage and gazed upon the manor, he thought he had never seen something as huge and frightening. The manor had spooked him so much that he had hid behind his mother’s kirtle. His brother was left at home, which was strange, because they went everywhere together.

 _“Mother, what is this place?”_ he remembered asking his mother, who was as pale as a ghost. She did not reply, her eyes stony and hard.

 _“This is where you’ll be living from now,”_ his father had told him at length as they approached the front door.

The Housemother had smiled when she opened the door and welcomed them in. The manor was just as big on the inside. He had never felt so small before. In a place as big as this, he was insignificant. He wanted to cry, but he stayed strong. He never cried. He did not like to cry. His brother, on the other hand, cried for everything. Like a baby. Perhaps that was why he was not brought along.

 _“Sit,”_ the Housemother had said when they were in her office. She was a plump lady with grey hairs and many wrinkles. She made him shudder every time she looked in his way. There was something threatful behind her insincere smile.

 _“You will be a good boy, won’t you?”_ said his father. _“Behave. And do everything they tell you to do.”_

He was confused, but he listened carefully.

_“We have to leave you because you will learn to control your Mana here. Promise us that you will not try to leave. Promise us you will be a good boy. And we will come back for you.”_

That sounded like a lie. But he said nothing. He was just a kid. He did not get to say much.

He did not fully understand why his parents were leaving him here. But as they waved him goodbye, making him promises they never intended to keep, he stood in the doorway with tears pricking the back of his eyes. But he believed that they’d come back for him eventually. They’d take him home again.

He would discover the real reason he was left here only years later when the Housemother told him that his parents were afraid of him.

He stopped in his tracks when he reached the staircase to glance at the man staring at the portrait of an old man across the hallway. The man could always be found there, studying the painting, as though he were looking for answers. Shoulders broad, skin pale, eyes lost yet so focused. He never talked to anyone. He had been in the manor for almost three years. Sometimes, sparks of light would flicker on the tip of his fingers involuntarily as his eyes continued to burn a hole into the painting.

The Clovervale Manor was home to the misfits and the mavericks, the oddities the world of magic had cast out. Those whose Mana, the source of one’s magic, was minacious to the rest.

Like his parents who believed in the divination that came with his and his brother’s births, he too believed that his Mana was dangerous. So, he kept it hidden away, as much as he could. Like everyone else in the manor. They did not choose to leave, even if they had the choice because there was nothing left for them in a world that refused to accept them.

But there was _something_ in that world, wasn’t there?

When he entered the visiting quarters, he was not expecting to find an unfamiliar face. The tall, older man, clad in black and red robe, rose to his feet and bowed his head. He did not seem like a gregarious man, there was a constant snarl to his lips, a cunning intent behind his gaze. He flexed his gloved hands at his sides.

“Hello,” he then said calmly. “It is an honour to meet you.”

An honour? Why would it be an honour to meet him? Who was this man?

He was, however, disappointed. It would have been great to see his brother.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “You must have mistaken me for someone else.”

“No,” the strange man said and waved his hand to shut the door, projecting his Mana to the hinges of the door. That was how magic worked. One’s Mana needed an entity to manipulate in order to administer its magic. No one could wield Mana and work with magic without an entity. Blood magic needed blood. Machinery magic needed machines—such as the hinges. Theurgy required the presence of the supernatural and spiritual entities.

He had learned most of them from reading the books he found at the library, whose shelves would only be collecting dust if it weren’t for him.

“I do not know who you are,” he told the man apprehensively.

“But _I_ know who _you_ are,” said the stranger, sinking back in his seat. “Have a seat… Shixun.”

A jolt ran down his spine. He had not heard someone say his name in a very, very long time. He walked over to the man and took a seat in the nearby chair.

“How do you… know me?” he asked in a low voice.

The other man smiled. “I know everything about you, Shixun. My name is Keda. I have come seeking your help.”

Shixun blinked. “My… help?”

How could he possibly help anybody?

“Indeed,” said Keda as he drew a scroll from his robe. “This is for you.”

Shixun hesitated, staring vacantly at the scroll that was being held out to him for a moment.

“You need not fret, son,” said Keda. “I am not here to cause you any harm. In fact, I do not believe anyone… could harm you.”

Shixun glanced up at the man with furrowing eyebrows. He did not understand what that meant. All his life, he had believed the opposite. That he could harm everyone. Which was why he remained in the Clovervale Manor, along with all the other misfits who believed they were dangerous. He had never really thought about how others could hurt him.

“What is this?” he inquired, taking the scroll out of the other man’s hand.

“A contract,” Keda declared as he leaned back in his seat. “A rather… enticing one. One that I think you should accept.”

Shixun scowled at the man now. “I don’t know who you are. Why are you here?” His voice was unwontedly deeper and louder.

Keda exhaled a heavy breath. “I know why you’re in here. Your parents believed a Birth Prophecy that augured your future, portending that you will wreak havoc if you were allowed in the outside world.”

“You have found my birth records. A great extent you must have gone to.”

Keda shrugged. “I have been to far greater extents to meet you, Shixun.”

Shixun lowered his head. “Birth Prophecies are always true,” he muttered. “I deserve to be in here.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” He clasped his hands together and leaned forward, as though he were to share a secret with Shixun. “But _you_ do not _want_ to rot in here, do you?”

“How did you find me? How did you… know about me?”

“Now, that’s not important. What’s important is what I can offer you.” He beckoned at Shixun, instructing him to open the scroll. “And what I can offer you is… everything you might want.”

After scrutinizing the scroll in his hand for a moment, Shixun unfurled it and spread it open on the wooden table between him and Keda. The scroll was a blank parchment. He looked up at the man.

Keda, with a knowing look, retrieved a vial of black liquid from his robe and uncapped it before spilling a droplet onto the parchment. Then letting his fingers hover over the ink, he projected his Mana onto the parchment. The ink moved on the sheet, stretching its limbs, swirling and sprawling across the parchment, taking the form of an orb with two curling horns. Shixun recognized it immediately.

“Are you aware of the existence of the Power Sigil?” asked Keda.

Shixun slowly nodded his head and looked at the closed door restlessly.

“Do not worry,” said Keda. “The Housemother has been paid handsomely to turn a blind eye to everything that’s going on in this room. We may speak confidently.”

Shixun wondered why they needed to speak confidently.

“Do you know what the Power Sigil is for?”

Licking his lips, Shixun murmured, “It’s the source of all Mana in the world.”

“Yes. The source of… _your_ Mana, too.” He straightened up and waved his hand once more over the parchment, commanding the ink to take the form of a building. “Then you must be aware of the fact that it currently resides at the Grimwood Academy of Magic.”

Shixun knew as much. He had read every book there was in the library on the Power Sigil.

“What are you telling me this for?” he asked, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

Keda smirked now. “Look at you. As much as you restrain yourself, you want to unleash your Mana. Let it course through your veins, spill from your fingers.”

Shixun tightened his hands into fists.

“You must have kept yourself refrained for years, Shixun. And it must be suffocating you.”

“It’s my own choice,” Shixun pointed out sadly. “I choose to be here. I do not want to be somewhere where… the people I love are afraid of me. I don’t want to… hurt anyone.”

“I can sympathize with that. But what if… there was a way for you to be free and not harm anybody? How do you imagine a world where… everyone is ordinary. No Mana. No magic. No,” he paused to glimpse Shixun from head to toe. “discrimination. A world where… everybody’s free. Nobody is afraid to step out into the world and be themselves.”

Shixun’s heartbeat quickened at that. Tongue-tied for a length, he tried to calm his breathing as he pictured himself being accepted in the world he wanted to be a part of.

“What do you say, Shixun?” asked Keda. “Do you want to step out into the world and be yourself?”

He kept his head low, heart racing wildly. Even the mere thought of being free and accepted in a world where his Mana would not be a threat was so beautiful.

“It’s all I ever wanted,” he whispered, mostly to himself.

“It’s all the people who are in here and trapped in many other places like this one wanted. And you can help us all be free, Shixun.”

Shixun lifted his gaze to meet the man’s. “How? Why have you come looking for _my_ help? I’m… nobody.”

“Because only _you_ can help. Your Mana is… extraordinary according to your records. Put for the right use, it can _change_ the world, Shixun.” He spoke every word like he believed deeply in it. “My Master has sought you out because you are meant for great things.”

“Your Master? So… you’re here under someone else’s orders?”

“It does not matter because at the end of the day, we all want the same thing.

“Two days from now, your brother will pay you a visit,” Keda then said.

“You know my brother?” Shixun’s chest tightened now.

“He is going to be an integral part of our plan. Of course, should you agree to be a part of it.”

Shixun stared at the parchment now as the ink worded itself into a contract.

“What do you say, Shixun? Are you willing to pay a very small price for your freedom?” asked Keda.

“Even if I wanted to, I can’t leave the manor without the ministry’s approval.”

“Leave that to me,” said the stranger. Shixun’s eyes narrowed. He wondered if the man was somehow associated with the ministry. “When you are ready to leave, the wards will let you through. That’s the most that I can do for you. Once you sign this contract, you will have the opportunity to matter for once and to do great things. And all you have to do is get into Grimwood, find a way to access the Power Sigil, retrieve it and bring it to me. And I shall set you free.”

“Why don’t you do it yourself?” asked Shixun.

“Not anybody can get into Grimwood,” he said. “Not even those who are with the ministry. And you are chosen for a reason. Your Birth Prophecy is… extraordinary.”

“I wouldn’t call a curse extraordinary.”

“See. You do not know your worth yet. Perhaps you do not know the entirety of the prophecy.”

Shixun frowned. “How do I know you’re not… going to do something terrible with the Power Sigil?”

“Why do you care? All you need is for the source of Mana in this world to be gone, so that you can be free, isn’t it?”

He had a point. “I care about not hurting others.”

“Nobody will get hurt, Shixun. There are so many people like you in this world who think magic is a curse. And they’d do whatever they can to get rid of it so that they can live in peace. My Master and I are two among them. There’d be no more discrimination.”

After a moment of pondering, Shixun decided that he was ready to hear more.

 

* * *

 

A day a week, the students of Grimwood were allowed to leave the school grounds within a limited curfew. Usually, he spent it in the town with his friends and boyfriend, chasing a good time. Some days, he decided to stay in his dorm room and study for the examinations that were around the corner—not that it helped him ace any of them. But today was a special day. Not only for him, but also for another.

He stood on the other side of the massive gates, hands clamped around the box of hazelnut tartlets, heart hammering against his chest in trepidation. He should not be here. If his parents knew, they’d be furious. But this would not be the first thing he’d hide from his parents, however. That was the perk of living on his own at the school dormitories. He reported to no one. Well, technically, he reported to the school administrators, but visiting his brother once in years was not something they’d mete out punishments for.

He looked down at the box. The tartlets came from _Mel’s Baked Goods_ , and they were to die for. But he was not sure if Shixun would love them. Either way, it did not seem right to show up emptyhanded on their birthday.

Waving his hand over the gates, he unlocked them and took a big breath before walking into the compound. The manor was protected by wards that kept unwelcome people away from it and the “uncanny” from leaving it. From the outside, nothing had changed with the wretched, cursed Clovervale Manor. It was as spooky as it was the first time he had come here to see his brother.

He gave the door a couple of knocks. The magic on the doorknob opened the door for him. He had sent the manor a letter to inform the Housemother of his visit a month ago. Which was probably why he was allowed in without any other procedure. He entered.

Standing in the entrance hall, he shivered and glanced around. It was dark, in spite of it being afternoon outside.

“You must be Sehun,” came a voice from behind.

Jumping with a start, he turned around to look at the Housemother grimacing at him grouchily. “Uh. Yes, I am,” he blurted out. “I wrote you. I’m here to see my brother.”

“Hmm. The ministry must have approved your visit.” She scratched her head that was full of frizzed grey hairs, mustering Sehun’s appearance. “You look an awful lot like him.”

“We _are_ … twins,” Sehun muttered.

“Yes, I remember. You’ve visited before. Come with me. The visiting quarters are currently occupied. I will show you to his room.”

Sehun was fine with that. In fact, he was hoping for some privacy with his brother. He was seeing Shixun after almost six years. He did not really know what to expect. According to their parents, at least, his brother was doing well. But Sehun had no clue how anyone would do well in this goddamn rathole.

As he was led up the stairs, he glanced at the two women, clad in grey kirtles, who were rubbernecking at him. The Clovervale Manor was not a prison. But it sure did look like one.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he stopped momentarily when his eyes caught the man standing on the other end of the hallway, staring at a tattered, dusty painting of an old man. The grey shirt was clinging to his relatively large frame like a second skin. He could not be much older than Sehun was but definitely older. He did not flinch. He did not even blink as he surveyed the portrait. Possessing unusual forms of Mana was known to make people crazy. Maybe that guy was crazy.

But then his head turned halfway around, eyes meeting Sehun’s.

Spinning on his heel at once, Sehun hurtled after the Housemother with the hairs on the nape of his neck sticking up in horror. He did, however, look back at the man one more time. The latter had gone back to staring at the painting again.

“You have an hour,” said the Housemother. “The gates will lock in an hour, and your Mana will not be able to open them anymore. So, I suggest you keep the visit short.”

“An hour? But I had travelled for almost half a day to be here.”

“An hour. Non-negotiable.”

“And what happens if the gates close and I’m still here?”

“You will have to stay here until the permission for your leave is approved by the ministry. And that could take a month.”

Sehun shuddered. He would not want to stay here longer than he needed to. His heart ached when he realized this was his brother’s home now.

They came to a stop at a door. Waving her hand at the doorknob, the Housemother unlocked the door and pushed it open. “You have a visitor,” she announced before stepping aside.

Drawing in a breath, Sehun stepped into the poorly-lit room and blenched when the door was shut behind him.

His eyes darted to the figure that rose from the pallet on the floor. For a moment, he was rooted to the spot he stood on, breath hitching and jaw falling slack.

It was as though he were looking at his own reflection in a mirror. Except for the hair and the outfits.

Shixun looked just as astonished. His hair was slightly shorter than Sehun’s, worn in a similar fashion, and it was the same shade of chestnut. He was also skinnier than Sehun was, but not so noticeably. He looked paler, however, eyes dark and glassy, lips chapped. His uniform was at least two sizes too large for his body.

“Sehun?” said the other, voice barely a whisper.

Sehun’s eyes welled up with tears instantly.

He did not have many memories with his brother. But he did remember how Shixun was always neglected by their parents. He remembered that night when he was upset that their father had yelled at him for feeding the stray cat. Shixun had snuggled with him until the latter had fallen asleep. They caught butterflies together during summer. And during winter, they’d share the warmth from the fireplace under the same blanket.

One day, Shixun was taken somewhere. Sehun had been angry because they had left him behind to stay with his grandparents. And when his parents returned without Shixun later that day, he had asked them many questions and had cried himself to sleep when they said Shixun was not coming back but he could go and visit him eventually. It was the first night his brother was not there to help him sleep.

There had always been the guilt. Sehun could have done more for Shixun. He could have, at least, visited him more. But he was too afraid that his parents would find out. The last time he had come to see Shixun without their permission, he was punished severely for it.

“How are you?” he asked with a lump in his throat.

Shixun blinked and took a step forward before halting hesitantly. There was a frown on his brows. “I’m… fine. How are you?”

Sehun licked his lips. “I brought you… something.” He held the box out. “They’re hazelnut tartlets.”

Shixun said nothing.

Placing the box on the desk, Sehun rubbed the back of his neck. “Happy birthday, I guess?”

Something shifted in his brother’s expression then. “Birthday?” he muttered and gasped. “It’s our birthday today! I had… completely forgotten.”

Sehun swallowed hard. “We turn twenty today.”

“Of course,” Shixun sighed. “It’s hard to keep track of the days in here.”

This was more difficult than Sehun thought it would be. He wanted to rush into his brother’s arms and hug the life out of him. He wanted to apologize for not coming to see him sooner. He wanted to tell him how much he had missed him.

“How are Mother and Father?” inquired Shixun dully.

“They’re well.”

Nodding his head, Shixun sank back into his seat on the edge of his bed. Sehun waited a moment before he walked over to the pallet and plumped on it at his brother’s side. They sat there for what seemed like forever with a fragile silence hanging between them.

Then Sehun decided to break it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t come sooner,” he said, hanging his head. “I couldn’t…”

It took Shixun a while to respond. And when he did, he sounded miserable. “How are you, Sehun? Tell me… about you.”

Sehun was not sure if that was a good idea. But he decided to indulge his brother, anyway. “I’m studying at Grimwood now. Second year. The new school term just started. But there’s still one more year until I graduate.”

“Not everybody gets into Grimwood,” Shixun pointed out, looking at the tattoo of the school’s insignia on the back of Sehun’s hand. “That’s the student badge.”

Sehun glimpsed the insignia. “Yes. It’s personalized. Works with blood magic. Only _my_ blood type can use this badge to access the school. Well, and you, I guess.” He laughed. “Since we share the same blood.”

“Hmm,” hummed Shixun, not sounding surprised. “You must be fortunate to get into Grimwood.”

“Father used his connections to get me in,” Sehun scoffed. “He wants me to work in the office. For the ministry. I don’t know what _I_ want, if I’m being honest. I’m okay with the classes at school, but I’m not particularly excelling at any of them. Alchemy is all right, I suppose. But I’m not sure I have the calibre of an alchemist.” He chuckled softly. “At this point, all that I’ve figured out is that I want to move far away from here, go on more adventures, seek the limit of my Mana, explore a lot. With my lover. Kai. We just started seeing each other. A couple of months ago. Everything has just started. But I already know he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not sure Mother and Father would approve of him, though. Which I like. He’s rebellious. Rowdy. Exciting.”

His heart fluttered just as the thought of it. He loved the thrill of it all mostly. Kai was not like any of his former lovers. He was different. Sehun liked different.

“He dares me to do the things that I would not dare,” he added. He looked at Shixun then. His brother was aimlessly staring at the wall before them. “Shixun… I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.”

Shixun averted his gaze to Sehun then. “No,” he murmured. “I… I am happy for you. You’re… free. You have… choices.”

Sehun frowned and took hold of his brother’s hand. Shixun flinched and withdrew his hand, as though he were stung. “You have a choice, too. You can leave this place.”

Shixun shook his head. “Where would I go if I left? To a world that… _fears_ me and would rather see me locked away in a place like this along with the other misfits?”

“The world does not fear you,” said Sehun. “ _I_ do not fear you. Mother and Father believe in the prophecy, so they want you to be safe, protected in a place where no one can hurt you for hurting them. But they still love you.”

“No, they do not,” spat Shixun. “And you are only here out of guilt.”

“Shixun—”

“You’ve had your Mana at your fingertips since you walked into this room,” Shixun snarled accusatorily. “I can just sense it. You’re on your guard. That’s not fear?”

Sehun balled his hands into fists. “I didn’t realize…” He sighed. “You’re my brother. I don’t believe that you are dangerous, Shixun.”

That was when Shixun fell oddly silent, lips pressed into a thin line, jaw locked and set, eyes boring into Sehun’s. Then at length, he said, “You should.” He jolted up from the bed and turned his back to Sehun. “I could wield my Mana as I wished when I was four years old. I was different. I was different from you and everyone else. I didn’t have to _learn_ how to summon my Mana or how to use it for magic. I just… knew. I am stronger than any one of you. Which means… I could hurt you. Birth Prophecies are never wrong, Sehun.”

He raised a hand and stared into his palm.

“I know,” said Sehun, standing up. “But you’re… you’re you, Shixun. You’re a good person. I don’t care what the prophecy says. You shouldn’t have to live this way, punishing yourself.”

Shixun turned around then with more sobriety in his eyes than before. Sehun looked at him confusedly. “You’re right. I don’t… want to live this way. I want to be free.”

Sehun stared at him for a length. “I know you can’t come home,” he said. “And I’m sorry.”

Shixun turned around again and glanced at the box. Picking it up, he peered into it and exhaled heavily. “I don’t have anything to give you.”

Sehun crossed the room and walked over to his brother. “Well, how about a hug?”

Facing him with an arched eyebrow and a faint smile on the corners of his lips, Shixun stretched an arm open. Sehun leaned in and wrapped his arms around his brother’s waist.

“I wish things were different, Shixun. I really do,” he whispered against Shixun’s shoulder before withdrawing.

Shixun lowered his head, nodding it gently. Then retrieving a tartlet from the box, he held it out to Sehun. “I’m glad you’re here. You look… good.”

Snorting, Sehun pried the tartlet out of Shixun’s hand. “I suppose I have to now say the same about you.”

They then took their seats on the pallet once more, each with a tartlet in their hands.

“I’m not sure if you remember,” Shixun said. “but when we were young, I loved the butter tartlets Mother used to make.”

Sehun smiled to himself. “I don’t know… Maybe I did remember.”

“Happy birthday, Sehun.” He took a bite of the tartlet and closed his eyes.

Sehun, finally at ease, ate the tartlet before reaching out for his brother’s shoulder. “You’re never alone, Shixun. Even if Mother and Father are afraid of you, I will be there for you.”

When Shixun cracked his eyes open again, they were darker than they were a moment ago. His fingertips were crimsoning rapidly, flickers of fire jumping on them. Shixun’s chest began to heave.

And simultaneously, Sehun felt his head fall heavy as his insides turned to goo. His breathing quickened. His vision started to tunnel. He looked at his brother in horror.

“Shixun,” he croaked out, fingers clutching at Shixun’s sleeve.

“I’m sorry,” Shixun told him, face as blank as a slate. It took Sehun a second to realize that he had been poisoned. It was the tartlet. His head was spinning as though he had been hurled into a whirlpool. “You’d make a lousy alchemist, Sehun. Your Mana did not even pick up on mine that was seeped into what you had just eaten.”

Shixun draped an arm around Sehun’s shoulders to pull him close as Sehun squirmed, voice betraying him when he tried to call for help. Something like a drowsy abyss of nothingness was drawing him in.

He dropped his head against Shixun’s shoulder. “Why…?” he managed to pule out, gripping at Shixun’s shirt by the chest now.

Stroking the back of Sehun’s head, Shixun then muttered, “I’m sorry I have to do this. I promise you, I won’t let anything harm you. Sleep now.”

Those were the last words Sehun heard before he was yanked into the realm of insentience.

 

* * *

 

Although he was trying, really hard, to keep his cool, he knew he had just done something terrible. Something he had to do, but it was terrible nonetheless.

Keda had been right. Sehun did come for a visit today. And he should not have.

Shixun did not have a wide window to execute all of his plans. He had little time left. His heart was racing. His hands were trembling. For the first time in forever, he was feeling emotions he never knew were there.

Laying his brother down on the pallet, he rose to his full height and looked at his hands. His palms were turning into a ruddy shade of red. He could feel his Mana rushing in his bloodstream, envelope around him in a bubble. It was a feeling like no other. To harvest the magic from the Power Sigil and unleash it.

He took a deep breath before he started undressing his brother and himself. Then pulling on Sehun’s clothes, he quickly put his own clothes onto his brother. Next, he crouched and took Sehun’s hand in his to copy and reprint the student badge onto the back of his own hand. Panting lightly, Shixun then ran the hand through his hair once the insignia had burned into his skin. He took his brother’s hand once more to erase the badge off of Sehun’s hand.

He then gave Sehun’s cheek a light caress before he rose and turned on his heel. With a hand raised to the doorknob, he glanced over his shoulder one last time to look at his sleeping brother. Though his initial plan was to mess with Sehun’s blood and knock him out, the tartlets played out perfectly. All it took was a little magic to blight the food, befoul its components. Shixun had read at least twenty books on alchemical magic. He had never really used his Mana for alchemy before, though. Even so, it had been simple and easy. Like breathing.

While most people took years to master their Mana, it came to Shixun artlessly. Even as a child, he could do the kind of magic that not even the smartest, oldest, wisest of magical beings could. Sometimes, when he would destroy an entire wall in the house while playing with his brother, his parents would look at him in terror. When he had almost set the entire house on fire in his sleep, his parents had locked him up in a room for two weeks. He was only five then.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered and exited the room.

His tried to keep his heart from beating too loud as he made his way down the stairs. He tugged at his overcoat, realizing he had not worn clothes other than the uniform given to him at the manor in years. He kept his eyes to himself, breaths slow and steady, hands gripped tightly at his sides.

Some looked in his way. He doubted there was any misgivings in their gazes. When he arrived at the bottom of the staircase, he glanced ahead at the front door. His stomach turned to knots. The man who had come to see him the other day had assured him that the wards would be down for him to leave.

Heart in his mouth, he started toward the front door, plunging his hands into the pockets of the overcoat. With every step he advanced, his heartbeat quickened. As he neared the door, he paused in his tracks to look back at the stairs. Then sucking in a breath, he faced the door and proceeded toward it with blood pulsing in his temples.

He almost thought that the door would not open. But then the doorknob turned on its own and clicked before the door creaked open.

For a length, he could not move his feet. His eyes shot to the outside world that awaited him beyond the threshold. All he had to do was step over the doorsill. It felt like a dream. A dream he never dared act upon until now.

He had a choice, of course. He had always had a choice, in spite of what he thought. But he had never seen a point to leaving. There was no hope for him. Until now. He could change the world for him and the people like him. There would no longer be ‘people like him’. Everyone would be the same. That was what Keda had promised.

Shixun was cautious enough than to just blindly believe the promises of a man he had never met until two days ago. But he had a plan of his own. And in order to pursue it, he needed a path paved for him.

He crossed the threshold and stepped into the outside world.

The warm breeze that caressed his cheeks smelled of grass and loam. His chest had never felt so light as he inhaled the air and gazed up at the blue sky. He smiled at the flock of jays that soared across it before he was briefly blinded by the scorching afternoon sun. This was the beautiful world he did not belong in.

He jumped a little when the door slammed shut behind him on its own. This was it. He looked at the gates ahead and started toward them. He kept his struts steady, still in the disbelief that he was about to willingly leave the manor that had kept the rest of the world safe from him all these years. He wanted to unbridle his Mana and take wing.

When he reached the gates that were already open, he worriedly waited for them to close before he could pass them. But they stayed open. A small smile took form on his lips without notice once he was on the other side of the gates, standing on gravels and grits of a road that would take him into the world he wanted to see so much.

A carriage was awaiting him on the roadside. Its driver grabbed the reins of the horses when he eyed Shixun. “Ready to head back?” he asked Shixun cheerily, tipping his hat.

Shixun’s smile widened then. He had not talked to anyone out of the manor since he was left there. “Y-Yes,” he stuttered.

“Hop on in, then,” said the driver.

With his heart galloping left and right in both excitement and apprehension, Shixun climbed into the carriage. Perhaps this was the day everything would change for him.

* * *

The ride to Grimwood was long and wearisome. The carriage rocked and stumbled countless times over the potholes in the roads. Shixun held onto his seat and tried not to heave, although his stomach was tossing and turning as though it were participating in a hoedown.

He tried to distract himself with going over the plan Keda had laid out for him. He had a month before Sehun would be released from the manor. Keda had assured him that it would take Sehun’s appeal a month to reach the ministry. Until then, he would have to stay at the Clovervale Manor. Which meant, Shixun had about a month to get his hands on the Power Sigil. When and if he managed to get it, the world as everyone knew it would no longer be the same. Those with weak Mana would not have to be at the lowest rung of the social ladder. Those with the strongest Mana would not be the only ones prospering in this realm. And the deviants with the anomalous Mana would not have to hide.

As night fell, he stuck his head out the window for some air. The fireflies that flitted past the carriage flickered and buzzed. Shixun grinned at them, holding a hand out to touch them.

But his attention quickly averted to the tall gates and towers frontwards. His heart skipped a beat when he recognized the Grimwood Academy insignia on the gates. Beyond them were buildings, almost as old as time, and flags bearing the same insignia. Torches and oil lamps were lit everywhere. The school was surrounded by copses of trees that stretched into a forest. Flights of Nightjars were circling the buildings. Shixun was simply thrown into a trance.

He had seen little paintings of the school in books before. But he had never thought it could be… _this_. It was majestic. Magical beyond description.

The carriage halted to a stop. “This is as far as I go,” said the driver as he pulled the carriage door open. Shixun exited the carriage and glanced at the school once more, breathlessly. The carriage driver cleared his throat.

Shixun blinked at him and the hand he had held out to him.

“The fare,” said the driver.

“Oh, yes. Of course,” Shixun muttered and rummaged through his pockets for money, hoping direly that there was some. When his hand found a coin pouch into one of the pockets of his pants, he looked up at the driver again. “Uh… How much do I owe you?”

The driver arched an eyebrow. “A little forgetful, are you?”

Shixun swallowed. “A little,” he murmured.

“Thirteen coins.”

Sighing, Shixun hurriedly handed the man the fare and watched the carriage ride away before he turned to face the school. It had been a long day and it was yet to end. With hesitant steps, he advanced toward the gates.

An old man was standing guard by the gates, sporting a cantankerous expression. “Almost past curfew,” he told Shixun gruffly, glowering.

Shixun kept his head low as he approached the gates. He did not dare speak.

The gates opened for him, anyway, and the student badge on the back of his hand glowed in a bright hue of blue. He could not hide the smile that overtook his face then. He was proud that this had been a failproof plan so far. Which probably meant that Grimwood needed to do something about the loopholes it had apparently left behind in terms of security.

“Where do you think you’re going?!” the warden yapped when Shixun started for the buildings. “Dorms! Now!”

Shuddering, Shixun looked in the way the warden was pointing towards. The towers. The dorms. “Sorry,” he muttered and headed the other way, scratching the back of his head. He had indeed forgotten to consider one very important thing.

Sehun’s life at Grimwood. That was not something he could simply ‘copy’ and learn. He would have to be very careful, or he was going to get caught.

Now, he needed to figure out which dorm was Sehun’s. Perhaps he could perform some sort of locating magic and link it to his own blood, hence Sehun’s blood, to find out. But he wasn’t sure if using his Mana at this hour would attract attention since he was in a place where magic was born. He knew enough about Grimwood to know that this was the sole place in the world of magic where magic was the most powerful.

Entering the tower, he looked up at the flights of stairs with a deep frown. Well, he had no choice but to use his Mana to figure out which dorm belonged to Sehun.

As he lifted his hand to perform a simple locating magic, his eyes landed on the metal plaque nailed to the wall that had seven names inscribed to it. Five of them were glowing in red, as though magma had been filled into the inscription. The other two weren’t.

“Oh,” he whispered to himself, feeling like an idiot. Dropping his hands back to his sides, he studied the names and the dorm room numbers. None of them were ‘Sehun’. So, he walked up a flight of stairs until he reached the second floor and saw another plaque of names. Still no ‘Sehun’.

Proceeding up another flight of stairs, he looked for the plaque, which almost immediately caught his attention when a name inscribed to it lit up in red. Sehun, Room 3. Shixun supposed it was a check-in/check-out system. There was another name inscribed next to Sehun’s that was already glowing red.

Shixun’s lips turned sourly. He was sharing a room with someone. This might turn out bad. Well, too late to turn back now.

Just as he took a step forward, a rough hand curled around his arm, yanking him around. His heart almost fell out of his chest when he was shoved up against a wall and all air was knocked out of his lungs. Before he could raise his hands to defend himself and have a moment to register what was happening, a pair of warm, violent lips crashed against his and kissed him, cutting his gasp midway.

For a moment, Shixun lost all of his fight as he tried to recover from the shock. His body was paralyzed, his hands refusing to move, too. Pinning to the wall, he blinked his wide, bulged eyes, realizing that his mouth was covered by another. Hands that weren’t his own were gripping at his waist and hips, another body, packed with lean but solid muscles pressed against him. Everything that he could suddenly smell of was cheap ale.

The instant he dragged himself out of the stupor, his hands shoved the other man back, breaking the kiss mercilessly, and slapped him across the face.

“Holy fuck,” the other lad rasped in shock, rubbing a side of his face that was just struck by Shixun’s hand. “What was that for?!”

Panting, Shixun gaped at the guy before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. _What in the world…_

He mustered the other boy standing before him. He was tall, dark-haired, had the body of a swordsman, and a skin that was beautifully sunkissed. Who the hell was he?!

With an arched eyebrow, the boy advanced a step. Shixun promptly raised his hand to stop him. “Stay back,” he growled, fingers crimsoning as he summoned his Mana.

“Are you playing me for a fool? Quit it now, Sehun.” He scowled and then pouted. “That hurts.”

 _Sehun… Sehun._ Of course. Oh, God.

Shixun dropped his hand before slowly lifting it to his face to brush his quivering lips with his fingers.

“Sehun,” the other boy called again. “Are you all right?” He raised a hand before Shixun flinched away from it.

Shixun looked at him once more. Sehun had mentioned a lover. God, was this him? It had to be him. Shit. Sehun had a terrible taste. Well, he was handsome. Very handsome. But he was also dressed like he had just come from a brothel. His shirt was half unlaced, his hair a complete muss, he even had a tattoo inked to his chest. He looked like a brat.

“K-Kai?” murmured Shixun.

Blinking, the other said, “Yeah?”

Shixun swallowed hard and slipped away from Sehun’s lover. “I have to go.” Blurting that out, he walked as briskly as he could toward his dorm room.

“Wh… What…” he heard Kai mumble confusedly at his back.

Shixun continued to curse internally as he looked for his room. His hands would not stop shaking. His heart would not calm down. His head felt light. God, he had just been kissed. For the first time. And it was by his brother’s lover. He fought the urge to glance back at Kai and his complete dishevelment. Why wouldn’t his heart stop racing?

When he finally found his room with the number three carved into the door, he hurriedly spilled into it before shutting it close behind him. Then slumping against it, he caught his breath.

“Are you all right?” came a voice from one end of the room.

Shixun turned with a start and squinted at the candleflame in the corner before he looked to the boy seated on the bed with a book splayed open on his lap. “Uh… Yes… Kyungsoo.” He recalled the name he had seen on the plaque earlier. “I’m… fine.”

Kyungsoo grimaced at him before he returned his attention to his book.

Withdrawing from the door, he walked over to the unoccupied bed on the other side of the room. Each bed was accompanied by a wardrobe and a desk. He supposed the one next to Sehun’s bed was Sehun’s wardrobe. Yanking its doors open, he surveyed its content. Sehun owned many good shirts and overcoats. He also owned several decent sets of trousers and boots. On the desk, there was a messy pile of scrolls, tomes and rolls of parchment.

“Are you prepared for tomorrow’s class?”

Shixun glanced back at Sehun’s roommate. “Huh?”

Kyungsoo scratched his head. “The Alchemy class.” He jerked his chin at the parchment nailed to the wall by Sehun’s desk. Shixun studied it for a moment before he realized it was Sehun’s class schedule. Well, that was convenient. Second-year Alchemic Magic at the seventh bell in the morning. Second-year Theurgical Magic at the ninth bell. Second-year Blood Magic at the eleventh bell. Second-year Machinic Magic at the fourteenth bell and lastly, Combative Magic at the sixteenth bell.

“What were… we supposed to do?” he muttered, licking his lips.

Kyungsoo did not look surprised. He sighed. “Design a recipe for a concoction that would reinvigorate the life of a dying plant. I could tell that you wouldn’t have prepared.”

Shixun looked at the bed. It was very inviting. And his back was so sore that all he wanted to do right now was collapse on that bed. “I think I’ll be good,” he said and sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his boots.

“Uh-huh,” said Kyungsoo, shrugging.

He _knew_ how to put life back into a dying plant. All he would have to do was command his Mana. He did not think much effort went into ‘designing’ a recipe for a potion to refresh a wilting plant. But he supposed he would have to find out more at tomorrow’s class.

If he wanted to stay here without attracting too much attention to himself, he would have blend in and not make anything seem unusual with him.

“Where were you today?” Kyungsoo inquired as Shixun grabbed a tome from the desk. It was on Theurgical Magic. He had read it before. He put it back. “Did you get a haircut? Your hair seems shorter. How did you celebrate your birthday?”

Shixun did not answer as he reclined on the bed with a breath of relief. He then closed his eyes and wondered what Sehun could be doing right now. Freaking out, probably. Finding a way to get out of the manor, most likely. It was not fair to him. But nothing had ever been fair to Shixun. His life had been an endless road of unfairness. Sehun’s momentary misfortune was nothing compared to the loneliness Shixun had undergone all those years. Even so, the guilt of throwing his brother to the sharks was eating him from the inside. He decided not to sulk over it, however. If everything went according to plan, he could make the world a better place for people like him. Then this would all be worth it.

He knew tomorrow would not be any easier. The sooner he got his hands on the Power Sigil, the better. For that, he first needed to find out where in the school it was, and how could he access it. He surmised it would not be easy. Perhaps for others.

He brought his fingers to his lips and brushed them gently, briefly reliving the incident that had taken place in the hallway earlier. He sighed. The bastard had stolen his first kiss. It’d be for the best if Shixun stayed away from Kai at all costs.

That night, he dreamed of standing in a meadow on a breezy day during springtime. He felt free for the first time.


	2. Chapter 2

He woke to the sound of a tolling bell. Even though he was used to rousing to the bell, the peal of this bell was different. Unfamiliar.

He was met with the dark when his eyes fluttered open. His bed was unusually uncomfortable under him. His head was too heavy on his shoulders when he tried to lift it. Dropping it again, he shut his eyes and drew a few deep breaths, wondering if he were dreaming.

The bell stopped pealing, and his ears stopped ringing eventually. He attempted to crack his eyes open again. The ambience that surrounded him felt eerie, out of the ordinary. His insides, on the other hand, felt like they had been mushed and rearranged. He thought he might be sick.

When he could finally lift his head, he sat up and scrubbed his face in his hands. Then he glanced around the dark room. It was then when he realized that he was not in his dorm room.

Pushing himself up from the pallet, he grabbed onto the edge of the desk as he slowly recalled what had happened.

Then in a croaky voice, he said, “Shixun?”

His throat tightened when he heard no response. Finding a candle on the desk, he lit it up. There was a book on the desk. And the shelf next to it held a stack of grey clothes. Sehun looked at the sleeves of the shirt he was clad in. Blood began to drum in his ears as he realized that he was clothed in Shixun’s uniform.

His heart dropped.

“No,” he let out, dragging himself toward the door. This had to be a really bad dream. One that he wanted to wake up from this very instant.

Prising the door open, he stepped out into the hallway. _No, no, no._

This could not be it.

“Shixun?!” he cried out, scampering across the hallway. As he hurried down the stairs, he called out for his brother a couple more times before he started for the front door. He had to get out of here. Right now.

Grabbing onto the doorknob, he tried twisting it a few times before he cursed under his breath and took a step back. He then raised a hand and summoned his Mana to unlock the door through magic. But it would not budge.

“No, please, no,” he panted, a sob crawling up his throat.

“What do you think you’re doing?” came an angry voice from behind. Startled, Sehun spun around to look at the Housemother, whose hands were rapidly reddening, oozing Mana.

“My brother,” Sehun gasped. “he… he poisoned me. One moment we’re just having a conversation and the next, I had blacked out. I don’t know where he is. But I have to get out of here.”

The Housemother cocked a bushy brow at him. “Uh-huh. To the dining hall right now or you’ll be going to bed with an empty stomach.”

Sehun stood frozen for a stretch. Then lurching to her side, he said, “No, please! I know I have overstayed my visit, but you have to let me out!”

The Housemother raised a hand to clutch at Sehun’s shirt. “If you do not want to be detained, I suggest you stop this nonsense this instant… Shixun.”

Sehun blinked. “I’m not… Shixun. I’m Sehun. Look.” He drew a hand up to show her the school badge on the back of it. “No…” he exhaled shakily, realizing the badge was erased. But how? Only Mana strong enough, like those wielded by the school authorities, could either print or remove the badges.

Shixun.

“My brother did this,” he let out, head spinning for a moment. “He… left.”

“He sure did,” the Housemother grumbled and grabbed Sehun’s shoulder, shoving him away.

“Housemother,” Sehun rasped, eyes stinging with tears. “I am Sehun. Shixun framed me.”

The Housemother crossed her arms over her chest. “Now, why would he do that? He could have left if he wanted to.”

“I don’t know why!” Sehun yapped. “But I cannot stay here! Please, you have to let me out!”

That was when the Housemother flung her hand at him, her Mana instantly knocking Sehun down to his knees, locking his arms at his back.

Groaning, Sehun pleaded. “Believe me. Shixun… did this. He… poisoned me and… left in my place. I don’t know why… but he left me here. Please, let me go.”

The Housemother pinned him with a black look before she released him. “Even if what you’re saying is true, the wards are up. You will have to appeal to the ministry to get them to lower the wards for you to leave.”

Sehun scrambled back up to his feet. “How long would that take?”

Crossing her arms over her chest, she shrugged. “About a month for the missive to reach the ministry and for them process it.”

“I can’t stay here that long! There has to be another way!”

“There isn’t,” said the Housemother definitively. “Only _I_ alone in this manor have the authority to cross the wards.”

Sehun planted his face in his hands. “This cannot be happening.”

Why would Shixun do this to him? Where was he? The Housemother was right. If Shixun wanted to leave, he could have left without trapping Sehun here. There was something else. Shixun was up to something.

Sehun wanted to kill him.

“Are you really… not him?” the Housemother asked at length.

Sehun blinked the tears in his eyes away. “I do not want to be here. Is there any way I could at least contact my family?”

“I’m afraid not. Unless they choose to contact you. There is a reason why Clovervale Manor is infamous for its security.”

“I must contact my father. Please. You have to help.”

“Now why would I do that? I am no saint to mete out favours,” said the Housemother with a blank expression. “Sign a missive for your discharge and you will get out of here when the ministry approves. Until then, you will abide by the rules of the manor. If you so much as lift a finger to use your Mana against anyone in here, there will be dire consequences.” With that, she turned on her heel and walked away.

“You cannot be serious,” Sehun rasped, hurrying after her frantically. “Housemother, my brother broke the law! You should be filing a complaint against him and letting me go! Why am I being—”

“One more word to me and I will seal your mouth for good!” the Housemother barked at him then.

Sehun fell silent, the hairs on his arms sticking up. He stood still, rooted to the ground as the Housemother strutted away, shoulders slumped. Sehun’s chest filled with agony and fear. He looked around the manor. This was far from everything he knew. He did not belong in _this_ world. This was… hell.

With tears welling up in his eyes, he turned around, a hand clamped around his shirt by the chest. He could feel his heart pound against his fist. He hoped this was all just a nightmare and that he would wake up from it soon.

Glancing at the front door one last time, he dragged himself toward the staircase. Why would Shixun do such a thing? Did he resent Sehun so much that he had to torment him so?

A month.

How could he survive here for a month?

Oh, and what about Grimwood?

That was when a small hope sparked. Certainly, people would notice that he was missing. Grimwood would start looking for him if he were absent to his classes. His friends would start looking for him.

But even then, legal procedures could not be compromised. It would take weeks for the ministry to assess his issue, even if Grimwood got involved. And no one really knew where he was. Not even Kai knew about Sehun having a twin brother.

Goddamn Shixun.

As he lifelessly made his way up the stairs, his shoulder bumped against another. If only he weren’t so miserable, he would have apologized. But instead, he snarled at the guy who had run into him.

His face paled at once when his eyes met a pair of dark, dead eyes. His breath hitched when he recognized the man from before. It was the guy who was staring at the painting.

“Watch where you’re going,” he muttered in a deep, coarse voice and a humourless tone before he brushed past Sehun.

Gulping, Sehun proceeded up the rest of the stairs.

Once he was back in Shixun’s room, he hurried over to the window. He knew it would be stupid. The wards were probably similar to those at Grimwood during the curfews. Which meant, they were impenetrable. Even so, Sehun had to try.

Projecting his Mana onto the window glass, he attempted to break it. Much to his dismay, it did not even give in to a crack. He was trapped in here. Dejected, he curled up on the pallet next and buried his face in his knees with his arms hugging his legs. Then quietly, he helplessly broke into tears, hands fisted around his hair.

* * *

He wasn’t sure when or how he had fallen asleep. But when he woke in the morning to the sound of the pealing bell in the manor, he frowned, realizing none of it had been a dream after all.

His stomach growled as he sat up and rubbed his eyes on the hilt of his palms. And his full bladder felt as though it were being knifed at.

Rising from the pallet, he took a deep breath and looked around for a pisspot or a washbasin. There was none.

So, he exited the room, deciding to go looking for a lavatory that he could use. He was forced to a stop in the crowded hallway. People, all clad in grey, ambled out of their rooms, yawning and stretching. No one talked to anyone. But they were all walking towards the staircase that led up to the third floor.

“Excuse me,” he said to a girl who looked half his age. She shuddered and then flinched away from him with a horrified look. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to… Uh… I’m new here. Can I know where the loo is?”

The girl said nothing and hurried away, lifting her kirtle. Sehun scratched the back of his head.

“It’s upstairs,” said a familiar, monotonous voice.

Sehun turned around to look at the man, who walked past him without even sparing him a glance. It was him. The painting man. He was slightly taller than Sehun was with nice broad shoulders. His hair, even right now, was neatly kempt, combed.

Like a duckling imprinting on its mother, Sehun quickly followed the man, latching onto him to find his way through the manor.

He followed the man up the second level staircase, though maintaining a safe distance. When his eyes eventually darted to the little sparks jumping on the man’s fingertips, he wondered why the man was in here.

Midway on the staircase, the man came to a halt and looked back at Sehun.

Clearing his throat, Sehun turned away, rubbing the nape of his neck, pretending to be looking elsewhere. As soon as the painting guy turned his back to Sehun, the latter proceeded after him again.

He followed the man into the lavatory. It was not that different from the shared lavatories and bathing stalls in Grimwood. The pipes in the lavatory worked on magic, too.

The lavatory was divided into two sections. One for men and the other for women. Sehun quietly trod after the painting guy until he paused when the other man started removing his shirt to step into a bathing stall. The muscles on his back looked taut and firm as they flexed.

Sehun glanced away immediately, finding a stall of his own.

* * *

Shixun owned nothing.

When they were children, as far as Sehun could remember, he had envied Shixun. He had somehow convinced himself to believe that Shixun stole the attention wherever he went. Perhaps that was not a good thing. But he was different. He was strong. Magic came to him effortlessly.

But it was not until Shixun was gone did Sehun realize that his parents had been in agony all these years when Shixun was there. After he had left, taken to the Clovervale Manor, little by little, Sehun saw peace reach his parents. They were happier. Calmer. Not like before, when they were always on edge.

Sehun used to think it was cruel of them. To enjoy Shixun’s absence.

The first few weeks, he asked his mother and father when Shixun would return. He was starting to miss him. Some nights, he cried himself to sleep because he was worried about his brother.

But then his parents told him that Shixun was happier here. Everyone was happier with Shixun here. Eventually, Sehun believed that.

When he visited Shixun, the latter never voiced any dissatisfaction or grievance. He was just always happy to see Sehun and Mother and Father. He said that he waited every day for them to come and see him. When their mother asked him if he were doing all right, he’d say, _“I am behaving. Like you told me to, Mother.”_

As Sehun grew up, he began to understand the purpose of places like Clovervale. They were there to give the deviants a chance to protect themselves from the rest of the world that would not have them. But sometimes, it was the world that needed protection from those deviants. Either way, they did not belong. And they knew it.

Everyone in this manor wanted to stay away from the outside world. Shixun stayed in this rathole for years because he believed that nobody would want him out there.

Well, right now, Sehun did _not_ want him out there. He wanted to punch Shixun’s teeth in. But then again, he too had given Shixun every reason to loathe him. He had never been there for Shixun.

The room was empty, apart from the pallet, the small pile of clothes, the desk and the candle. Even those weren’t Shixun’s.

He perched on the windowsill and tugged at the hem of the shirt. His stomach grumbled hungrily. He placed a hand over it and glanced out the window. He never should have come here. So far, twenty was not his favourite age.

When the bell pealed again, he wondered if it were time for breakfast. He needed to see the Housemother to sign the appeal, anyway. So, he meandered his way downstairs, keeping a cautious eye on his surroundings.

An old man he walked by on his way fixed him with a strange look that sent shivers down Sehun’s body.

“Housemother?” he called when he reached the bottom of the stairs.

Well, if he were going to stay here for a while, he might as well have a looksee around the manor. He took the hallway that struck eastwards first.

The walls were adorned with portraits that collected cobwebs and dust. Sehun used to be frightened of this place when he visited it as a child. He still was.

Halting in his tracks, he looked up at a portrait that was caked with dust. With a sigh, he waved his Mana over it to clear the dust. Along with the dust came off the painting from the frame.

“Oh, no,” Sehun gasped, crouching to the floor to quickly gather the shredded pieces of the tattered painting.

That was when he heard the Housemother clear her throat, standing a couple of feet away from him in the hallway. Rising back to his full height, Sehun faced her with a red face.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’ll fix it.”

“What did I say about ministering Mana in the manor?” she spat gruffly.

Sehun frowned. “I don’t belong here,” he said.

“Rules are rules. You break them again, I will see to it personally that you are unable to use your hands for the rest of the week. Even to wash your butt.”

Sehun grimaced and bowed his head. “The missive,” he then said.

“I have it with me,” she said and handed it to Sehun along with a quill.

Sehun gave it a quick once-over before hurriedly signing it. “Please, Housemother. I want to get out of here.”

Without a reply, the grouchy woman turned around and stomped away, disappearing down the hallway. Exhaling heavily, Sehun slumped against a wall and swallowed a sob.

Wherever Shixun was, he hoped the bastard was regretting doing this to him.

Then collecting his composure once more, he pulled away from the wall and proceeded along the hallway until he found the conservatory that was filled with dead plants and dry soil. Everything smelled rotten.

His empty stomach clenched at the stench.

A couple more hours of wandering aimlessly around the manor helped him locate a library that shelved more dust than books, a pantry that housed bags of flour and rice along with bugs, and a sunroom where the sun could not reach.

He eventually followed the smell of food and found himself at the mouth of a feast hall. It instantly reminded him of the feast hall at Grimwood. Except that instead of a feast fit for a king, there were bowls of pottages and days old bread sitting on the old wooden tables. And unlike at Grimwood, the feast hall was not booming with rackets, chattering and laughter.

It looked like a sea of grey. Sombre and sorrowful.

Sehun was starved. So, he mustered the courage and sauntered into the hall. While some looked in his way, others paid him absolutely no heed.

He rubbernecked around the hall, seeking a decent spot that was far enough from the rest of the people there. His heart did a weird thing when his eyes landed on the painting man, who was seated at the table at the far end of the hall. Alone.

How crazy was he that nobody would even sit with him?

Well, if they did not want to sit with him, then they probably would not want to sit with Sehun if he sat with the man. Good.

Taking a breath to compose himself, Sehun started toward that table. When he arrived at it, the painting man stopped eating for a moment to glance up at him. Without a word, Sehun plumped on the bench on the other side of the table and pulled a full bowl closer to him. It smelled like chicken pottage.

Across the table, the strange man was staring, a hand gripping the spoon. He displayed no emotions in his vacant expression. It was almost macabre.

Sehun tried not to show that he was intimidated by the man as he casually picked up a spoon as started digging into the pottage.

As soon as he put some of it into his mouth, he regretted it. The pottage tasted like mud. Bland with a tinge of grottiness that turned his stomach. His eyes watered.

He pushed the bowl away from him and lowered his head.

Served him right. Served him right for thinking that he should be there for Shixun on their birthday. Served him right for caring about the bastard who left him here to rot.

But then again, this was what Shixun had been living with since he was nine years old. If it were so difficult for Sehun to handle any of this even for a day, how it must have tormented Shixun all those years? And yet, he decided to stay. Just because he thought he would no good to anyone out of here.

It was hard to stay mad at him.

“Here.”

Sehun brought his head up to look at the slice of bread held out to him. Then he gazed at the man handing it out. With blood filling his cheeks, Sehun accepted the stale bread and took a shy bite out of it. While he chewed it slowly, he surveyed the painting man, whose eyes were empty.

“I’m not supposed to be here,” Sehun blurted out without thinking. He paused to see if the man would respond. He did not. But he did not take his eyes off Sehun. “But you… you know that. You believe me.”

The painting man dropped his head to scoop up a spoonful of pottage before he ate it without a hint of complaint. “I know everyone around here,” he said quietly. “And I know you don’t belong here.”

That somehow came as a relief to Sehun. To hear that. “My brother did this. He… ran off and left me here. In his place.”

When the man placed his hands on the table, sparks flickered on his fingers. Sehun blinked at them.

“My name is… Sehun,” he then told the man.

“You don’t have to talk to me,” the man replied. His tone was not harsh. It was just… flat and dead.

Sehun exhaled shakily. “I know… Nobody talks to anyone here. It’s… weird.”

“We’re all weird here.” He kept his gaze low as he said that. Then he lifted it to meet Sehun’s eyes briefly. Even though there was no life in those eyes, they made Sehun lower his own in embarrassment. “My name is Chanyeol.”

That was the last thing the painting man said before he rose from the table and strolled out of the feast hall.

* * *

 

He plodded along the corridors, hugging his tomes to his chest, in constant fear of getting caught. But it had been a bell since he woke up to the first light on his face, pouring in through the chinks in the window of his dorm room, and no one had suspected anything.

When he woke up earlier this morning to six bell tolls, the usual blueness that he always roused with back at the manor was absent. Instead, he woke from a wonderful dream to a colourful reality.

He had glanced out the window, rising from his bed when he realized Kyungsoo was not there. And before him, he had spied a compound of glorious adventure. Grimwood was more majestic in the daylight. If only he had been like everyone else, he too would have had an extraordinary life at a school like Grimwood Academy.

The trees and lake that surrounded the school spilled a spectacle of green into the vista that stretched into a canvas of vivid purple and orange. The sun that was rapidly rising on the horizon shed its warm rays onto his face. He had smiled at the warmth. His heart fluttered like a child’s.

Although he knew that he was here for a purpose, part of him wanted to peek into Sehun’s life that could have also been his. If only his family had not abandoned him.

Sehun’s school uniform fit him. But the shirt and pants were a little loose. In spite of that, Shixun was excited to wear them. He was finally going to school. And not just any magic school. It was Grimwood Academy.

He kept a weather eye out, however, as he trudged along the corridors, careful not to bump into the boisterous crowd of students that thronged his path. He could not be too careful, could he now?

He stopped when he reached a signboard. The class schedule at Sehun’s desk said that second-year Alchemy was in the northeast classroom of the green tower. Shixun glanced up at the flags on the buildings. Each in a different hue.

When he sighted the green flag, he started toward it.

“Sehun!” someone hollered as he walked into a classroom. Jumping a little, Shixun turned to look at the girl who had cried after him. “I didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday yesterday.” She giggled and pressed a kiss to Shixun’s cheek. “Happy birthday!”

She then cheerily returned to the desk she shared with another girl.

Blushing fiercely, Shixun wiped the cheek that was just kissed and looked around the classroom, unsure of where he should sit. And then he spotted Kyungsoo at a desk, staring at him with his eyebrows pinched together. Shixun licked his lips and tried waving at him.

Kyungsoo’s face twisted in confusion as he lifted a hand and waved apprehensively. Shixun had never seen anyone so bewildered. He walked over to Kyungsoo and settled at the desk.

“You’re… sitting here?” the boy asked.

Shixun blinked at him. “Yeah?”

“Why?” Kyungsoo frowned.

Shixun clenched his jaw nervously. “Why? Can’t I sit here?”

“No, no. You can…” His pale cheeks reddened. Shixun wondered what that was about. “It’s just that… you don’t usually sit with me.”

“Oh.”

“No one usually sits with me,” Kyungsoo chuckled and then sighed. “Are you sure you don’t want to sit with your friends?”

Friends. Shixun glanced around and found a group of boys gawking at him in disbelief. One of them beckoned at Shixun, pulling a face. Shixun turned away. “I’m good.”

The farther he stayed away from Sehun’s friends, the better.

Before him on the desk was a pot of wilted plant. Surrounding it was vials and jars of liquids and other ingredients, such as flower petals, bird beaks and some kind of brown dust.

“Are you all right?” Kyungsoo then inquired. Shixun glanced to him. “You look like… you’re about to have a seizure.”

“I’m fine,” muttered Shixun. “Tired is all.”

“Ah.”

Shixun realized that he did not know much about his own brother to impersonate him. Despite them having shared the most intimate space there was being twins, they were nothing but strangers to each other now. It saddened him.

“A very good morning to everyone,” said a booming voice as a plump, half-bald man worked his way into the classroom, clad in a maroon robe. Shixun straightened in his seat as the professor took his position at the front of the class. “Now, before we get to today’s lessons, I believe I gave you an assignment. To think of a recipe for a plant reinvigoration potion. I know you are all more interested in learning how to reinvigorate dead beings through blood magic. But plants do not have blood, in case you haven’t noticed. There are some things that alchemy can do better than blood magic.”

“We don’t think so,” snickered a student. He was one of Sehun’s apparent friends. “Professor Lor, blood magic is the most powerful magic there is.”

“That is what half-witted mooncalves like you would think,” the professor scoffed.

“Well, I can’t think of an instance where I would want to bring a goddamn plant back to life,” the student argued.

“I’m glad you brought the point in question forth. Can anyone enlighten this young man why what we’re doing here is relevant?”

As much as Shixun wanted to keep a low profile, his heart was pounding in excitement. He wanted to be a student. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to belong in this setting for once. He knew none of this would last.

When no one answered, he raised his hand. The professor looked at him with a surprised look. “Yes, Sehun.”

Shixun cleared his throat before speaking up. “Blood magic depends on entities such as Mana and blood. In the absence of either, blood magic cannot be performed. But alchemy allows us to perform magic without the help of Mana, which can be useful to those who can’t wield strong Mana. Also, when we are faced with a situation where we can’t use our Mana. Apart from that, the most powerful form of magic is not blood magic. It’s a clever combination all five major forms of magic. Blood, theurgy, alchemy, machinery, and combative.”

The professor’s lips stretched into a grin. “Speak up more often, Sehun. I’m impressed.” He turned to the rest of the class. “That is precise. And basic. You are in your second year. If you haven’t grasped even that, then perhaps you do not deserve to be here.”

Kyungsoo was beaming at Shixun when the latter looked at him. “That was the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

Shixun let out a breathy chuckle in spite of himself.

As Professor Lor instructed the class to get started on brewing a potion to bring the plant back to life, Shixun partnered up with Kyungsoo. He let Kyungsoo take the lead, not wanting to draw any more attention to himself today. And Kyungsoo knew his alchemy, all right. The boy was good.

“So, I think we should add a beak into it,” Kyungsoo said eventually as their concoction began to bubble in the pot.

“No,” Shixun muttered. “Get a pestle. Crush the beak before putting it in.”

“Of course!” Kyungsoo gasped and hurried to get a pestle.

* * *

“That was great,” Kyungsoo remarked excitedly when they walked out of the classroom. Professor Lor had praised them both for the potion they had successfully concocted, which had managed to reinvigorate the plant. “Thank you for doing it with me.”

Shixun smiled at the boy. “I will see you in Theurgy then.”

“Oh, you’re not having breakfast?”

Shixun was thinking of wandering around the school grounds until he found a library. He realized that he needed to read up on everything he needed to know about the school and the professors. And most importantly, he needed to learn every crook and cranny of the school to locate the Power Sigil.

But he was also hungry. And the smell of caramelized blood oranges and freshly baked honey cornbread was wafting in the air, intoxicating his senses. And he supposed he’d have to eat eventually.

“Breakfast… sounds good,” he told Kyungsoo and followed him through the corridor. “So… Why don’t people sit with you?”

Kyungsoo scoffed. “Why are you asking me that now? It’s been that way since the first year.”

“Uh… Yes, I know. But…”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I had always chalked it up to my weaker Mana compared to everyone else. I’m sure you and the others think it’s because I’m quiet.”

Shixun frowned. “But you are so good at alchemy.”

With a sigh, Kyungsoo said, “Well, it’s the only thing I’m good at. I’m weak. I can’t really do much at Combative Magic either. I’ve always felt like an outsider here.”

Shixun placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. Kyungsoo looked up at him. “I’m sorry… if I ever… made you feel like an outsider.”

“What’s with the sudden awakening?” Kyungsoo laughed.

Shixun pressed his lips into a thin smile and gazed ahead at the entrance of the feast hall. As he walked into it, his heart galloped in exhilaration. It was nothing like the dining hall back at the manor. People were chatting, singing, performing magic tricks, tossing food in the air before catching it with their mouth. And they were all students around his age.

Shixun had never had a friend. Not at the manor, not before. In fact, this was the first time he was surrounded by people similar to him. This was the kind of everyday life he would have lived if he could belong.

In that moment, he envied Sehun. His brother had everything. He had everything Shixun could wish for.

“Your friends are over there,” Kyungsoo pointed out, nodding his head toward a table.

Shixun exhaled heavily. “I’m in the mood to handle a big crowd today. Is it okay if I sit with you?”

Kyungsoo stared at him for a moment. “Sure.”

Once they had found a table, Shixun took his seat and hungrily browsed the foods on the table. There was a bowl of fruits, a tray of caramelized blood oranges, a basket of fig tarts, some hardboiled eggs, and two loaves of cornbread that were drizzled with honey. His mouth watered just looking at them.

He waited to see if he were allowed to eat whatever he wanted. When Kyungsoo reached for a slice of cornbread, Shixun followed suit.

As he sank a bite into the softness, he tasted the sickly-sweet honey that melted in against his tongue. He almost moaned in delirium. Swallowing, he reached for the ewer of water.

“This is heavenly,” he mumbled, chugging down a mouthful of water.

Just as he turned to grin at Kyungsoo, a familiar rough hand cupped his chin and drew his face upwards. The next thing his lips were crushed by the same pair of lips that had stolen his first kiss.

Shixun’s heart stopped beating for a moment.

When Kai straightened back up, disconnecting their lips, he smirked down at Shixun cockily, standing at Shixun’s side.

“Good morning,” he said, fingers sliding into Shixun’s hair at the back of his head. “When did you cut your hair?”

As soon as he could breathe again, Shixun jolted up from his seat and gathered his things before shoving past Sehun’s lover to hurry out of the feast hall with his heart threatening to fall out of his mouth.

“Sehun?” called Kai.

Shixun did not respond as he stormed out of the hall, ready to burst into a sprint if needed.

But this was not right. He would be drawing in suspicion if he continued to act this way.

He slowed down in his struts and took a few breaths, running a hand through his hair before touching his lips.

“Sehun,” Kai rasped and grabbed Shixun’s arm to turn him around. Shixun yanked his arm free and rubbed where he was just touched, looking away. “Did I do something?”

Shixun licked his lips. It felt wrong, so he stopped doing it. He noted the sword hanging at Kai’s hip. Every student would have to pick a subject to master in in the third year. Shixun wondered, since Kai wasn’t in his class earlier today, if the guy was a third-year student. Probably mastering in Combative Magic.

“Sehun?!”

Shixun raised his gaze and met Kai’s glaring eyes.

“I was a little foxed last night, so I thought I had just imagined it. But you did… hit me last night, didn’t you?” he asked. “Are you mad at me? What did I… do? I swear, I wasn’t at the brothel last night. I was just at the tavern. You can ask my friends.”

Shixun needed to say something. He just did not know what.

Kai looked better today. His hair was neater. And he looked… handsome in the school’s uniform. His shirt was still unlaced at the top, revealing the tattoo on his sternum.

“What’s the matter?” Kai sighed, closing the distance between them, raising a hand to cup Shixun’s cheek tenderly. His right hand was really calloused from wielding swords. Shixun’s breathing seized once more as his eyes bored into Kai’s.

He then stepped away as though he were burned. “Nothing,” he croaked out. “I… Nothing…”

Kai’s eyebrows knitted together once more. “Did something happen on your birthday? You said you were going to see your parents. Did they… find out about us?”

Shixun tensed up then. Sehun must not have told his lover about the weird twin brother. “Uh, no.” He swallowed hard. God, he had never had to lie before. Lying was apparently harder than it seemed for him.

“How are your parents, then?”

“They’re… good. I’m… sorry, I’m acting weird. I just think…” He needed to nip this in the bud before Kai could go around kissing him again, thinking that Shixun was his lover. “I need a few days to… sort some things out.”

“What things?”

“Nothing that you can help with.”

Kai pinned him with a dubious look. “Are you sure this has nothing to do with us?”

“Yes.” Shixun shrugged, hugging his tomes to his chest. “I should… get going.”

As he turned around, Kai muttered, “All… right.”

Shixun stopped, however, and looked back at Kai briefly. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to hit you… You just startled me.”

Kai bit his lower lip and then smiled. “Don’t worry about it.”

* * *

Shixun did manage to find the library between Machinic and Combative Magic classes the next day. When he joined Kyungsoo for lunch, he spotted Kai at a table, surrounded by students who were enjoying his witty remarks. Kai’s gaze turned to Shixun a few times and whenever he looked, his eyes narrowed inquisitively.

Shixun averted his eyes from the upperclassman.

“Is something going on between you and Kai?” Kyungsoo asked, cheeks stuffed with boysenberries.

Shixun shook his head, shivering lightly. He did not know if anyone else knew about Sehun and Kai’s affair. And he was not going to compromise it if it were a secret. But after that very public kiss yesterday, he doubted that it was one.

“You two aren’t as chummy as you were last week. Or all the weeks before that for the past month,” said Kyungsoo. Shixun turned his attention to the meat pie on his plate. “Can I say something? I always knew you were into blokes, but I never thought Kai was your… type.”

Shixun blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

Kyungsoo made a face. “He’s a bit of a rowdy, isn’t he? Didn’t he beat his own father for almost hitting his mother and got sent to the youth prison for half a year?”

Shixun almost choked on the food in his mouth. He coughed and shrugged.

“Not to mention, he is in every teacher’s bad books in this school. If only he weren’t excellent at Combative Magic, he probably would have gotten himself kicked out by now.”

Shixun wondered what Sehun saw in him.

“But you… You come from a respectful family. So, I never saw you with someone like… that,” muttered Kyungsoo. “I suppose love is blind, huh?”

Shixun turned his head halfway around to glance Kai again. The upperclassman was using his Mana to carve a butt out of an apple. “Classy,” Shixun snorted, rolling his eyes. Sehun indeed had a terrible taste in men.

* * *

After the eighteenth bell later that day, Shixun ditched dinner to head up to the library. On his way, he made sure to scrutinize every room he passed, even though he knew the Power Sigil would not be anywhere out here. He gazed up at the tallest tower at the very end of the compound. If he had to wager, he’d wager that was where the Power Sigil was. He noticed that no student was allowed near the tower. Even so, it could not hurt to gain more insight before stepping his foot into something deep.

Besides, Grimwood Academy was home to all the original copies of scholarly materials. A few hours of digging would get him all the answers he needed.

At the entrance of the library sat a librarian, short and pale with a shock of red hair planted on his head. He looked at Shixun confusedly when the latter approached him.

“First year?” he asked.

Shixun shook his head. “Second.”

“Hm. I’ve never seen you at the library before.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”

The librarian smiled.

Shixun bowed his head once at him before entering the library. As he crossed the threshold, the badge on the back of his head blinked briefly, checking him in.

“Sehun,” said the librarian, looking at the name that formed an inscription on the golden leaflet he was holding in his hand. “First time here.”

Shixun ignored him to gawk at the library. It had two levels, both holding countless towering bookshelves. His mouth went dry as it fell open. The ceiling of the library was adorned with hanging lanterns that brightened the entire room. His heartbeat quickened at the library extraordinaire, house to myriads of tomes, scrolls, tracts and opuses. It was at least twenty times larger than the library back at the manor.

When he could finally move his feet, he advanced a step toward the bookshelves. Most of the tables and chairs were occupied by students, flipping through pages in silence.

“Would you like a tour around the library?” offered the librarian, grinning at Shixun’s astonishment.

“I… I would like that. Thank you.”

He could not believe that Sehun had passed up on the opportunity to pay a library this marvellous in spite of it being at his close reach for a year now. Shixun, on the other hand, thought that he could live in here!


	3. Chapter 3

Combative Magic the next day was different than the two previous lessons Shixun had had in the past two days.

They were not instructed to climb walls or do pullups this time.

“You look exhausted,” noted Kyungsoo.

Shixun sighed. “I was in the library until the last bell.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes bulged out. “The library?! You?”

Shixun bit his lip, turning his attention to the instructor, Professor Xi. He was a bulky man, who never bothered to put on a shirt. The boys and girls had separate Combative Magic classes with different sets of lessons. While the boys learned offensive strategies and to incorporate their Mana in weapons, the girls were taught to use Mana for defence but not offence. Shixun had read up on all the syllabi for the classes taught at Grimwood in the library last night until the librarian had kicked him out.

“I hate this,” muttered Kyungsoo.

“Fetch a sword,” ordered the professor. “Partner up.”

“Will you be… my partner?” Kyungsoo asked shyly.

Shixun smiled and agreed. Unfortunately, he was not good with a sword either. Swordplay was not something he could learn from a book.

After retrieving a training sword from the rack. Unsheathing it, he gave the blunt blade a once-over before inspecting the engravings on the steel. They were the same engravings on machines that absorbed Mana to utilize Machinic Magic.

Combative Magic was a mix between physical training and Machinic Magic. Even those with a weak wrist could fight with the help of a powered weapon.

Shixun and Kyungsoo took their positions as their professor instructed. The rest of the class did the same.

“Is there a reason why you’re hanging out with that milksop?” asked a student out of the blue. Shixun glanced to him with a puzzled grimace. He was one of Sehun’s friends. And he looked dismayed. “and ignoring us.”

Shixun gripped his sword and jaw alike. “No,” he spat and turned away.

“Seriously?”

“He’s out of his mind,” said another student. Another one of Sehun’s friends. “Let’s just ignore him from now on, too. Cocksucker.”

Kyungsoo frowned. “You really shouldn’t antagonize them. I’ll be fine if you want to… go back to them.”

Shixun shook his head. “Forget about it. It’s not important. Let’s focus.”

“All right!” Professor Xi exclaimed, his voice carrying to every corner of the training arena. “Now, you all know how to channel your Mana into your weapon. The stronger your Mana, the stronger your weapon. But the better you wield your Mana, the better you wield that sword. So, control your Mana. Learn to treat it like it’s a sword. And then learn to treat your sword like it’s a limb. The theory that you learned in your first year will only help you so much. The rest of the way is all going to be how well you practise and how fast you strategize your moves. In the real world, your opponent will not wait for you to make a calculative move.”

He glanced at the door and beckoned at some people to enter.

A group of boys walked in, shoulders squared, chins held high, chest stuck out in pride, lips quirked into a conceited smirk. Shixun’s gaze instantly darted to Kai, whose hand was lazily resting on the hilt of his sheathed sword.

“Your upperclassmen, majoring in Combative Magic, will demonstrate for you today and mentor you for your first lessons. Whatever questions you may have, you are welcome to ask them,” said the professor. “That said, let the lesson begin.”

Two upperclassmen stepped forward and drew their swords. One of them was Kai.

“Stance is very important in swordplay,” said Kai. “Your footings need to be firm yet agile. Your movements should be light, so that you do not wear yourself out and give your opponent an advantage.”

“Swordplay is also about elegance and eloquence,” said the other upperclassman. “It’s like a dance.”

“Where you try to kill each other,” added Kai. “Now, first thing’s first, power your blades. Let your Mana spill from your fingers and into the grip of the sword.”

While Kyungsoo struggled to concentrate and charge his sword with his Mana, Shixun almost effortlessly powered the blade and watched the engravings glow up. He smiled smugly at them.

“Don’t try too hard,” he then advised Kyungsoo. “Just let it flow. Breathe.”

Kyungsoo looked at him worriedly but then calmed down. The engravings on his sword eventually lit up but they did not gleam as bright as Shixun’s.

Nobody’s did.

“Please, be nice,” murmured Kyungsoo as he readied himself.

“All right. Next,” said the other upperclassman. “you should never stand still in combat. Your movements should be quick and frequent. But of course, that depends on your weapon type. Two-handed swords would use up more of your energy and would take slower movements.”

“Left foot in front of your right,” Kai instructed as he steadied himself and gripped his longsword with both hands, holding it at a higher angle. “Never face your opponent sideways.”

“And there are eight angles in which you could swing your sword. The diagonal angles will minister the most fatal blows.”

Kai swung his sword, aiming for his partner’s neck. The attack was promptly blocked by the other upperclassman. “Blocking is the most important aspect of swordplay. If you can’t block, you can’t fight. And this is where your Mana comes into play. Force your Mana into your weapon, keep on recharging it. Even though your Mana cannot duel against another Mana on its own, when its power is injected into a weapon, that weapon can do it for you.”

“We would like you to practise what we had just shown you,” said the upperclassman. “Stance, angle, swing, and block.”

“You swing and I’ll block?” suggested Shixun. Kyungsoo agreed.

Once they were confident in their stances, Kyungsoo swung his sword for the first time. Shixun blocked it without even trying too hard. As their blades clung, Shixun’s sword vibrated in his hands, his Mana coursing through the blade like it was just another limb.

Kyungsoo’s Mana was not nearly half as strong as Shixun’s. He stumbled more than once, lost his grip on his sword countless times. But Shixun remained patient, wanting to help Kyungsoo more than anything.

“Perhaps you should train with someone with weaker Mana,” Kai said as he approached Shixun and Kyungsoo, flipping the sword in his hand casually.

“He’s doing all right,” Shixun argued.

Kai smirked as he stopped a foot before Shixun and eyed the sword in Shixun’s grip. “That’s a really red sword you got there, my love. Think it could grind against mine?”

Shixun blushed. Embarrassingly.

Gritting his teeth, he turned to Kyungsoo again, although his grip on the sword was starting to loosen.

“Off with you,” Kai spat, shoving Kyungsoo away by the shoulder.

Huffing exasperatedly, Kyungsoo shook his head at Shixun before he skipped away, looking for another partner.

“Why do you have to be such an asshole?” Shixun growled at Kai, scowling.

Kai laughed and hooked an arm around Shixun’s waist, yanking him close. “Isn’t that why you fell in love with me in the first place?”

Groaning, Shixun pulled away, pushing Kai back by the chest. “Stop touching me.”

Kai rolled his eyes. “Still mad at me? Can you just tell me what I did instead of icing me out like this? It’s childish.”

“I told you I’m not mad at you.”

“It sure does seem like it. Or are you bored with me already?”

Shixun clenched his jaw. “Are we going to fight or not?”

“I’m not going to fight you, Sehun,” Kai sighed. Then smirked. “You’d lose, my love.”

God, Shixun owed this guy nothing, but he wanted to see Kai be taken down a peg. “We shall see about that.” Taking hold of his sword with both hands, he put his left foot forward and brandished his sword.

Kai chuckled breathily. Even his laughter was laced with arrogance. Perhaps it was this arrogance that Sehun loved. But Shixun knew better. Behind every mask of bravado lay an ocean insecurity. Shixun knew because he too was wearing such a mask to hide his sorrows.

“I’ll try and go easy on you,” said Kai before he lifted his sword. He swung first.

Blocking the blow, Shixun realized Kai was indeed going easy on him. His attack did not seem half as strong as the one he had made on the upperclassman earlier during the demonstration.

But by the third swing, Kai’s grip on his sword tightened and so did the blows. Shixun retreated a step as Kai advanced one.

“So, you’re all talk, no trousers, huh?” Shixun spat to rile Kai up.

And it worked.

It was no miracle that a confident man like Kai would crumble with just a stroke on his ego.

The fifth blow was almost merciless, and Shixun almost missed to block it as he stumbled to his side. The engravings on Kai’s blade were starting to glow brighter, but Kai had barely broken a sweat.

“I had missed you,” Kai said, swinging his sword again.

Ducking his head a little, Shixun blocked the blade with his own, panting hard.

“Sehun, this is silly. Why are you playing hard to get all of a sudden? You’ve been acting strange since your birthday.”

Kai stopped and lowered his sword, eyebrows furrowing. Shixun, grinding his teeth, gave the sword in his hand a little twist, recharging it with his Mana. “My turn.”

Kai’s eyes widened as Shixun lurched forward and raised his sword. Stumbling back a couple of steps, the upperclassman frantically brought his sword up just in the nick of time to block Sehun’s attack.

Without giving Kai even a fraction of a beat to recollect himself, Shixun charged again, aiming for Kai’s arm this time.

“Fuck,” hissed Kai, jumping back. The tip of Shixun’s blade scraped his upper arm, cutting through the sleeve of his shirt and wounding the skin lightly. Flourishing his sword once more, Kai obstructed Shixun’s sword and charged forward.

Shixun gasped for breath as he moved out of the way of the sword, even though Kai was not aiming to harm him directly. Kai’s Mana was stronger than most in the room.

But not strong enough.

Snarling, Shixun lunged at him one last time and stomped the other man in the chest, sending him down to one of his knees. He then raised his sword high, vaulting off the ground before he struck Kai’s sword that was held up to block him.

The blade blazed red as it drove through Kai’s sword, snapping it in half.

Silence blanketed over the arena while everyone spectated what had just happened in either awe or disbelief.

“What the…” Kai let out breathlessly, dropping his broken sword to the ground, jaw falling slack as he rose back to his full height.

With his chest heaving, Shixun glanced down at his own sword, whose engravings slowly died out.

“Remarkable! What was your name again?” asked Professor Xi as he jostled through the crowd.

Shixun flinched when the huge man draped an arm over his shoulders. “Sh… Sehun.”

“I did not think you had that in you. Quite an impressive Mana you’ve got there. And a temper.” He gave Shixun’s back an appreciative clap that almost staggered Shixun. “The rest of you, get back to training.”

Wiping the sweat sheening on his forehead, Shixun faced Kai, who was louring bitterly at him. “Don’t be a sore loser,” Shixun scoffed.

Kai glowered harder. “What the hell was that?” he hissed under his breath, seizing Shixun’s wrist.

Yanking his wrist back, Shixun muttered, “I said don’t touch me.”

“We’re lovers, Sehun!” Kai whispered angrily. “It’s been more than a month since we started, and you still don’t feel comfortable around me? Is that why we haven’t had sex?”

Shixun glanced around him in a frenzy, hoping nobody heard that. “You’re lashing out because you lost?” He diverted the focus of the conversation.

Kai stared at Shixun mercilessly now. “No. I’m not mad about that. But you just lost control over there. Didn’t you?”

Shixun froze.

“I saw it in your eyes,” Kai muttered, his expression softening a little. “You didn’t even… care that it was _me._ You just wanted to… prove something. Your Mana completely overcame you in that moment, did it not?” he spat through his teeth.

Shixun could not answer. He did not want to. Again, he owed Kai nothing.

Scoffing, Kai spun on his heel and stomped away, holding a hand to the cut on his arm. He snapped at the upperclassmen when they tried to console him before he stormed off.

* * *

He took a bath at his dorm before heading down for dinner with Kyungsoo later that day.

“I heard it’s roasted pheasant with mashed peas and carrot cake today,” said Kyungsoo as they wended their way to the feast hall.

Shixun had not stopped thinking about what Kai had said in the training arena today. It had felt great to unleash his Mana like that. He had never felt so liberated. But it was wrong.

This time he got lucky that it was a sword. What if he lost his control while practising Blood Magic? He could kill somebody.

He then thought of Sehun. With each passing day, his guilt only amplified. He knew Sehun would never forgive him for it.

After dinner, he planned to spend the rest of the evening at the library, looking for information on the Power Sigil. Even if he were able to locate it, he still needed to find a way and time to retrieve it without getting caught. Keda had not told him how to do that. Possibly because the man himself did not know.

When he entered the feast hall, a few heads turned toward him. Some of the students whispered around him, gawking at him strangely. Shixun wondered if this had something to do with what had happened at the training arena today.

So much for maintaining a low profile.

As they took their seat at a table, Shixun’s eyes flittered across the room, searching for Kai. He tried to ignore the disappointment that weighted his heart down when he could not find Kai.

“It was impressive what you did today,” said Kyungsoo while Shixun helped himself to a slice of carrot cake.

“It was heartless,” Shixun murmured. “Inconsiderate.”

“Playful fights are common between two lovers, aren’t they?”

Except that it was not a playful fight. Kai had been right. Shixun had wanted to prove something.

Shixun ate in silence thereon, letting Kyungsoo ramble on about their classes.

* * *

After dinner, he told Kyungsoo that he’d see him back in their room and worked his way to the library. He did have an assignment to complete for tomorrow’s Theurgical Magic class.

So far, theurgy was not one of Shixun’s strongest suit. It required focus, control and a peace of mind. After the first three lessons, he realized that he had a hard time calming himself during meditation. But then again, Theurgical Magic was the least popular among all the students. It was the oldest form of magic that allowed them to channel their Mana into the spiritual dimension. In the olden days, the magic was used to contact divine spirits, to summon them, to seek their help. These days, theurgy was a dead practice that was used as a tool to help students sharpen their focus and strengthen their Mana control.

Shixun’s Mana, however, was erratic. It could not be tamed.

The librarian bid him a good evening when he saw Shixun walk in. “Welcome back,” he said.

“I’m looking for tomes on theurgy,” Shixun told him.

“That’s in the north wing.” The librarian directed him up the staircase that led to the second floor.

“Thank you.” He paused and faced the librarian again. “Do you have anything on the… Power Sigil?”

“Of course! Hundreds. Also in the north wing.” He grinned.

Shixun bowed his head and ascended the stairs as the librarian returned to his leaflet.

He spent a few moments wandering down the aisles, seeking informative books on theurgy. Even though he knew he was not here to study, he could not help it. He was beginning to feel like a student. He wanted to learn. He wanted to impress the teachers. He wanted to make friends.

None of it was going to last long, anyway.

Gathering a couple of heavy tomes, he proceeded along the aisle, eyes raking the titles on the spines of the books.

“ _Theurgy for Beginners_ ,” he muttered and retrieved another book from the shelf.

“Since when do you go to the library?”

“Oh, God!” Shixun gasped, jumping as the books slipped from his grip and cluttered on the floor.

While Kai lowered to a crouch to pick the books up, Shixun braced himself against a bookshelf and stared at the upperclassman.

“Is it your job to follow me?” he mumbled sourly as Kai rose back up.

Sighing, he then said, “I saw you walk into the library. And I figured… we have to talk.”

Shixun wished Kai would just leave him alone. But then again, it was not Kai’s fault. He must be confused, too. And frustrated. Shixun figured he could not afford to ruin it for Sehun either.

“You want to tell me what is going on with you?” asked Kai in a low voice as he settled the books on the shelf for a moment.

Shixun dropped his gaze, wondering if he could just walk away without saying anything. “Kai,” he then exhaled heavily. “I have a lot to study. Can we… not do this?”

“Then at least tell me that we’re okay, Sehun. I’m… worried.”

Shixun looked up at him with a frown. Kai seemed like he genuinely cared about Sehun. “We’re okay,” he muttered. “I… promise.” Then gnawing on his lower lip for a length, he said, “I’m sorry about today. I shouldn’t have… lost control.”

Kai did not respond immediately. Instead, he stared at Shixun with narrowed, dark eyes. The longer he stared, the hotter Shixun’s cheeks became. “If I’m being honest,” Kai said at length. “I… actually liked it.” He smiled. “I have never seen… that side of you and… it was exciting.”

Shixun blinked at him, tongue-tied.

“Just when I thought you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes upon, you made me see that… there’s more to you. And I’m honestly _awestruck_ , Sehun.” He closed the distance between them, his eyes fixed on Shixun’s lips.

Shixun felt his heart skip a beat. “Really?” he let out.

“Really,” Kai said, smiling. “I can’t wait to find out what else lies beneath all this… Today, I was surer than ever that… I have fallen for you.”

Shixun retreated as much as he could until his back was pressed against a bookshelf. Kai raised one hand and rested it on the shelf and curled the other around a side of Shixun’s waist.

The proximity and the misty scent of Kai’s skin simply took Shixun’s breath away and muddled his mind.

“Which is why it’s killing me to know that you’ve been snubbing me for the last three days.”

Shixun could not look away from Kai’s languid gaze. “What if… this is going too fast for us?” he whispered.

“Perhaps it is,” Kai replied, fingers tightening around Shixun’s waist. “But there’s no fault to that.” He leaned in and cocked his head to a side to press a kiss to Shixun’s neck.

“Kai,” Shixun gasped, a hand shooting up to Kai’s arm to push him back.

“Ow,” Kai groaned and took a step back. Shixun’s face rumpled in guilt. He had not noticed the dry blood staining Kai’s sleeve.

“I’m terribly sorry about that, too.”

Kai shrugged. “It’s just a scratch.”

“Why haven’t you healed it?”

Another shrug. “Blood Magic isn’t my forte, and the school physician is a bitch. My reputation has already been tarnished enough today. I don’t need to be the baby that went to the physician for a little cut, too. Besides, I can take it. Don’t worry.”

Shixun bit his lip and rubbed a side of his neck where he was just kissed. He shivered a little. “Let me have a look at it.”

“You’re not on healing level either, Sehun.” Sehun wasn’t. Shixun was.

“I can try. Please. I caused it.”

Kai did not protest any further as he turned around and started walking away. He paused to glance back at Shixun. “Are you coming, then?”

Nodding, Shixun hurried after him.


	4. Chapter 4

He was going to go crazy.

That was his constant thought as he stared at the crevices in the ceiling for hours on end. As much as he wanted to head downstairs and to ask the Housemother for a second time today about the status of his appeal, he knew he couldn’t on the account of the Housemother’s threat to wring his neck if he showed his face to her again today.

It had been a few days. He did not know how many exactly. Three or four. It was hard to keep track of time in this hellhole. Every moment that passed by felt like punishment.

He sat up eventually and looked at the evening darkness that slowly descended in the room. He needed to stretch his legs.

Meandering out of the room, he took the stock of the hallway before proceeding toward the sunroom. It was always empty. And dusty and dirty. But it would be a change of scenery.

How did Shixun live here for eleven years and not go crazy?

Sehun was brought to a halt when he spotted the man standing before the portrait of the old man again. Chanyeol.

As much as he knew he should just walk away, he found himself plodding toward the painting. He swallowed when his throat tightened as he neared the man.

Chanyeol did not look away from the painting even as Sehun came to stand at his side. He stared at the taller man for a moment before he averted his gaze to the portrait. There was nothing special about the portrait. It only made him more curious as to why Chanyeol was so fascinated by it that he spent day and night watching it.

Maybe there was no reason. Maybe this man was just insane.

“So…” Sehun began to say. “Is he your great grandpa or something?”

Chanyeol tore his gaze away from the painting at last and fixed it on Sehun instead.

Sehun licked his lips. “Sorry.”

With a breath, Chanyeol returned his attention back to the portrait.

Sehun waited for a several beats before he spoke again. “I saw some nicer paintings in the sunroom. Do you want to… go there with me?”

Chanyeol looked at him again. “Is there something you want?” he asked hoarsely.

“I just…” Sehun murmured, carding his fingers through his hair. “I’m bored.”

Chanyeol continued to stare at him.

“Wow, you really like to stare, huh,” Sehun remarked, lowering his eyes.

That was when Chanyeol cleared his throat and turned away. Sehun could tell that the man wanted to be left alone. But so far, he was the only one who had neither ignored Sehun’s existence nor threatened him.

So, he followed the man, hoping that he would find something interesting to do for the rest of the day.

He was surprised, however, when he realized Chanyeol was walking towards the sunroom.

A small smile crept onto his face then.

“You’re like a puppy dog,” Chanyeol commented dully.

Sehun blushed in embarrassment as he caught up to the man. “Like I said, I’m bored. I will go away if I’m bothering you.”

“I think that ship has long sailed.”

Sehun sighed.

As they walked into the sunroom, Sehun surveyed the piles of dusty cushions on the floor and the stained-glass ceiling that was too dirty to let any sunlight in. Not that it mattered right now as the sky rapidly darkened outside.

Finding the candles, Sehun lit them before turning to Chanyeol.

“I go to Grimwood Academy, by the way,” he said as though to make conversation as he plumped onto the cushions. He coughed at the dust that wafted around him. “How old are you?”

Chanyeol was not saying anything. But he was looking at Sehun with an unreadable expression. Sehun hated that he could not figure anything out with this man.

All that he knew was that he was intrigued, and he had something to stall his time on.

“Twenty-seven,” Chanyeol muttered and took a seat on the floor.

Sehun nodded. “Twenty-seven? And for how long have you… been here?”

Once again, the man took a moment to answer. “Three years.”

“So, you didn’t come here when you were a child?”

Chanyeol raised his eyebrows at him.

“M-My brother was brought here when he was nine,” said Sehun.

“Nine…” he let out, dropping his head.

Sehun sat up straight. “What’s with the painting?”

Chanyeol raised his head to look at him. “Why do you want to know all these things about me?” There was no condescension in his tone. If he were annoyed with Sehun, he did not sound like it.

“I don’t have anything else to do,” he muttered. “Well, we can talk about something else if you… want.”

For a moment, Chanyeol did not say anything. Then at length, he said, “I don’t want to talk.”

“Oh.” Sehun scratched his head. “Why are you here, then?”

“Why are _you_ here?” asked Chanyeol with a blank slate for a face.

Sehun fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “I came to see my brother. After… years. For our birthday.”

Chanyeol pulled his legs up and hugged them to his chest as he continued to stare at Sehun.

“And he screwed me over,” Sehun sighed. “I never should have come here. I should be at school right now.” When he looked up to meet Chanyeol’s eyes, his cheeks burned. Probably noticing Sehun’s reddening face, Chanyeol shifted his gaze.

“Well… Some things happen for a reason,” the man said in a low voice.

He was different. Nothing like Sehun had ever seen before. Unreadable, intriguing, fascinating. Perhaps it was all the boredom, but Sehun wanted to peel the man’s layers, one by one and get to know him.

“Why are you being nice to me?” he asked Chanyeol at length, although he was not sure if he could anticipate an answer from the man.

After a long moment of silence, Chanyeol rose to his feet and ambled out of the sunroom.

Hanging his head, Sehun frowned. He did not understand what was it about the man that had his chest was clenching in an odd way.

He stood up and glanced around the sunroom one more time. This could be a rather pleasant place if it were cleaned up. Sehun knew that the Housemother had warned him about using his Mana in the manor. So, if he needed the sunroom tidied up, he would have to do it without the help of magic. And perhaps that would keep him busy and might make the time go faster.

* * *

He woke up early the next day and headed downstairs for breakfast after washing himself. The dining hall was sombre and dull as always. He wandered over to Chanyeol when he spotted the man sitting by himself at a table.

“Good morning,” Sehun bade him with a smile, taking his seat at the table. Chanyeol glanced up at him. “Do you want to help me today?” he asked, reaching for a slice of bread before drizzling it with some honey.

Chanyeol said nothing immediately as he waited for further details on Sehun’s invitation.

“I would like to rehabilitate the sunroom,” said Sehun. “Clean it up a little, dust it. It has potential. I think it would be a nice place to spend time if it’s cleaned up.”

Chanyeol crossed his arms over his chest. “Why?”

Sehun blinked. “Why?”

Exhaling audibly, the man said, “You won’t stay for long. Why do you want to change things around here?”

Sehun shrugged. “I’m bored.”

For a brief moment, he thought he saw a hint of smile on Chanyeol’s face. His heart fluttered.

“So… Will you join me? I could use all the help I can get if I were to clean it up without magic.”

His stomach knotted when Chanyeol picked himself up from the bench and walked away. Sighing then, Sehun rubbed his temples.

After breakfast, he sought out the Housemother to ask her where the brooms and other cleaning tools were. She did bother to ask him what they were needed for as she wordlessly pointed toward a closet without even looking up at him.

“Thank you,” Sehun blurted out and hurried to gather the items he needed to scrub and dust the sunroom so clean that it would be good enough to eat off of.

Lugging the brooms, wooden pail and rags up to the sunroom, he realized that he never really done anything like this before. When he was living with his parents, everything was kept for him. And at Grimwood, the dorm rooms were always tidied for the students. This was going to be a challenge. He was excited.

Upon reaching the sunroom, he decided to fetch some water from the lavatory. As he spun around, he jerked to a stop, bumping into a solid chest before a strong arm came around his waist.

His breath seized for a moment as he looked up at the taller man, who was holding him by the waist.

Almost instantly, Chanyeol released him and took a step back. “I’m sorry,” he murmured.

Picking up the pail, Sehun let out a nervous chuckle. “It’s… okay.” He mustered Chanyeol from head to toe. “Decided to come help after all?” He smirked.

Chanyeol heaved a breath. “How can I help?”

“Well, you can get us some water to clean the windows. I’ll start sweeping.” He held the bucket out to the other man.

When their fingers brushed as Chanyeol accepted the pail, Sehun felt a stroke of Chanyeol’s Mana. It quickened his heartbeat promptly.

* * *

As it would turn out, it did not take all that long to polish up the sunroom. They spent the entire afternoon, however, scrubbing the place up until it there wasn’t a speck of dust left. They had even skipped lunch.

But as the skies began to darken outside, they had almost depleted all of their energy. They had not talked much. Sehun figured it was better that way. He did not want to make Chanyeol uncomfortable and drive him away. Although, whenever he would look in Chanyeol’s way, the latter would briefly return the gaze.

While Chanyeol lit the candles, Sehun gave the cleaned-up sunroom a proper inspection. He smiled at the heaps of cushions on the floor.

“Maybe the kids would like it,” he said, smiling.

Chanyeol turned around, hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. “I’m sure they would,” he said.

“We should go tell everyone.”

To that, Chanyeol said nothing in response. But after a while, he turned to Sehun and said, “Are you… happy?”

It was the first time Sehun was ever asked if he were happy. Everyone always assumed that he was happy. _He_ had always assumed that he was happy. How could he not be? He had a perfect life. He had everything he wanted in life.

“What?” he let out.

“With the outcome,” said Chanyeol.

“Oh… I…” He licked his lips and crossed the room to edge closer to Chanyeol. “Thank you. For… today.”

Chanyeol gave a curt nod. “Dinner?”

“Yes,” Sehun said, grinning from ear to ear.

As they wove their way to the dining hall, Chanyeol paused in his tracks when they walked past the portrait of the old man. Sehun watched the colour in Chanyeol’s face drain away as he looked vacantly at the painting. Sehun did not think that he knew Chanyeol any better than he did three days ago, but he could tell that the portrait made the man… feel something.

Then swallowing, Chanyeol proceeded toward the stairs.

“Are you… all right?” he asked the older man.

After a moment, Chanyeol muttered, “I painted that portrait.”

“What?” Sehun’s jaw fell slack. “When?” he let out in awe. “You’re a painter?”

Chanyeol nodded. “Was. I painted that when I first got here. It’s the last thing I’d ever paint. It’s all that I have. It’s my story.”

“Your story? It looks like a really old portrait, though,” said Sehun. “Decades old.”

“People see what they want to see. Seeking the secrets of the universe takes more than just… seeing.” He came to a standstill to look Sehun in the eye for a stretch before he turned around.

Sehun wondered what that meant.

As they sauntered into the dining hall and found a table to sit at, Sehun said, “Is there… a story behind that painting?”

“I told you. Mine,” said Chanyeol as he plated himself two slices of stale ryebreads and a spread made out of duck liver.

“What’s your… story, then?”

“What’s _your_ story?”

They quietly stared at each other for a beat. “Do you really want to know, or do you just not want me to ask you any questions?” Sehun asked once the moment had passed.

Chanyeol did not reply.

Taking an exasperated breath, Sehun said, “My story isn’t interesting. Well, I suppose it would be interesting after my stay here.” He grumbled. “I have a family. You already know about my twin brother. My mother and father are still alive. I don’t see them often but they’re always happy to see me. Even though I’m not really good at school, it’s all that I have going on right now. I’ve got a few friends.” He paused to smile at Chanyeol briefly. “Now, I have one more.”

Chanyeol’s jaw visibly tightened at that. But it was the first time Sehun had been able to read his expression. He looked touched.

“Your turn,” he then said, taking a bite of the tasteless, dry bread.

Chanyeol rubbed his forehead before he said, “I don’t want to make friends. Especially not with… someone who’d leave.”

Sehun’s eyebrows dipped low. “Then why do you keep talking to me? If you don’t want me around, then tell me to go away and not bother you. You clearly don’t mind me sticking around.”

Chanyeol gripped his jaw harder. Then eventually, he sighed, jaw loosening as he dropped his gaze. “You’re… strange.”

“ _I’m_ strange?” Sehun snorted.

People were peering at them. They were the only ones talking in the hall. Sehun did not really mind, and Chanyeol did not seem like he cared either.

“And a little nosy,” Chanyeol muttered.

Sehun leaned back and scowled now. “Fine. I’ll stop talking, then.” As he proceeded to stuff his mouth with food, Chanyeol sat still, pondering.

“I had a wife and a daughter,” he said at length.

Sehun almost choked on the food he masticated. He stopped chewing, mouth still full, and gawked at Chanyeol.

He was not sure why his heart ached in that moment. Even now, there was no hint of emotions in Chanyeol’s face. Sehun could not tell if the man were joking or being serious.

Chanyeol did not raise his head as he added, “I killed them.”


	5. Chapter 5

Third-year students had dorm rooms of their own, which they were not required to share. It allowed them more privacy if nothing else. Shixun, however, did not care much for it. Probably because he had only spent a few days in a shared room, _and_ Kyungsoo was not a bad roommate. In fact, he thought that Kyungsoo was starting to become his… friend.

His first friend. Even the thought of it thrilled him.

Kai, like the other upperclassmen, had a room for himself, too. A messy, unkept room with dirty clothes and muddy boots strewn over the floor, desk and the unmade bed. The only thing that was in order in the room was his collection of longswords that were arranged on the sword rack.

“I’m sorry, it’s a bit of a mess,” said Kai as he held the door open for Shixun.

He shuddered as he entered the room. “A bit…” he murmured to himself, glancing around the room, hugging his arms around his body.

“Well, the last time you were here, you said that you’re never coming back up here,” Kai scoffed. “So, I didn’t see the need to clean up. But I’d hoped you weren’t being serious about that.”

Shixun watched Kai gather his shirts from the bed before dumping them into the wardrobe. “This is… charming.”

Kai was acting strange. He was being jittery. Nervous. He would not stand still in one place as he scurried around the room, picking up things, rubbing the nape of his neck, running his fingers through his hair.

Within the four walls, with just the two of them, all that bravado was mushed into trepidation. It was almost adorable.

Shixun shook that thought away. He was here to correct his wrongs and nothing more. As soon as he got Kai all fixed up, he had to be on his way and limit his contact with Sehun’s lover at all costs.

“So, how do you want to do this?” Kai asked.

Shixun’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Where do you want me?” He arched an eyebrow.

Shixun’s throat tightened. “Wh-What?”

“To tend to the wound?”

“Oh. Yes, of course,” he blurted out. “On the bed. The bed… I mean, sit on the bed. It’s fine.”

Kai bit his lip as he plumped on the edge of the bed and watched Shixun approach him. “Have you done this before? It’s my first time.”

“Maybe you should just… stop talking,” he said.

Kai pouted but did as he was told.

Stopping only a foot before Kai, Shixun chewed on the inside of his cheek, looking down at the upperclassman. “You should… take your shirt off.”

“Was this your plan all along, darling?” Kai asked, the haughtiness returning to his tone once more. “To get me out of my shirt?”

“I will leave.”

“Okay, sorry.” As he started unlacing his shirt, Shixun tried not to watch. He preoccupied himself with the blank walls. “Is this good enough?”

Shixun looked at Kai again once the latter was done unlacing and drawing one side of his shirt down to expose the wound on his upper arm, a few inches below his shoulder. As much as Shixun tried to keep his eyes to himself, he found them to be wandering to Kai’s chest that held the tattoo of an indecipherable pattern. His tan skin, otherwise, had a gentle sheen to it. Shixun’s gaze slowly glided to Kai’s collarbone.

Just as he realized what he was doing, he sucked in a shaky breath and tore his gaze away before fixing it on Kai’s eyes, which were ogling Shixun’s waist and ass.

Blood filled his cheeks. He cleared his throat and shifted his position so that he was no longer standing sideways.

Kai looked away at once. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Shixun knew it was all in his head that he was hearing undertones that weren’t there whenever Kai opened his mouth. “Yes.” He tilted his head to scrutinize the gnarly cut on Kai’s arm, served by a blunt sword. A cut from the whetted sword would have been neater. “It’s not bad. But you’d bleed again if you don’t stitch it up. So, I’m going to try and make your blood heal the wound from the inside. But it would leave you with a scar.”

“What’s one more.” Kai sat still as Shixun summoned his Mana. “I haven’t given you a birthday present,” he muttered, watching Shixun bring his fingers to the cut. “I asked you what you want, and you said you’d give me a list later.”

“A list?” Shixun chuckled softly.

Kai clenched his eyes with a lockjaw as Shixun’s fingers brushed his arm around the cut, his Mana seeping through Kai’s skin. “What do you want?” he asked, voice almost as low as a whisper.

Shixun felt a shiver run down his back. There was something different about using his Mana on Kai. He did not know if Kai felt that, too. It was… intimate.

Still with his eyes closed, Kai took a few deep breaths, his chest heaving lightly, his hands balling into fists on his lap.

“I don’t want anything,” Shixun breathed out.

“Does that mean you want something big and showy? Well, in that case, I can introduce you to my little friend—ow!”

Shixun smirked as his Mana purposefully zapped Kai’s skin. “You don’t have to get me anything.”

Kai frowned then, but he still did not open his eyes. “I want to, though.”

Shixun thought about it for a moment. What would Sehun want? He had no clue. Perhaps Sehun would like something big and showy. “Whatever you give me with your sincerity is good enough,” Shixun ended up saying.

Kai was silent for a moment. Shixun returned his gaze to the wound that was starting to close up.

“There,” Shixun said quietly, running his hand over Kai’s shoulder. “Good as new.”

As he started to retrieve his hand, Kai’s hand flung up to catch it before he could pull it away. Shixun stilled, hand held against Kai’s shoulder, his Mana still bleeding into Kai’s flesh.

“Wait,” whispered Kai, his eyes slowly fluttering open to look up at Shixun.

Even though Shixun had not known Kai for long, he had never seen a more earnest look in Kai’s gaze. “What’s… wrong?”

With furrowed eyebrows, Kai said, “What is that?”

Shixun blinked. “I don’t know… what you mean?”

Kai’s fingers tightened around Shixun’s hand. “Your Mana… I… don’t think I’ve ever felt anything quite like it.” His breathing shallowed even more as he slowly drew Shixun’s hand down before holding it upon his chest.

Shixun’s own breaths snagged when he felt Kai’s heart beat under his palm. He stared at his hand that was trapped beneath Kai’s, fingers splayed upon his chest. For a moment, the world slipped away around them.

He did not pull away even as Kai’s arm snaked around his waist and pulled him close. With one hand curled around Shixun’s and the other pressed on the small of Shixun’s back, Kai coaxed Shixun forward to kneel on the bed, on either side of him.

And losing himself in that moment, Shixun lowered to his knees, almost straddling Kai as their laboured breaths mingled, gazes lost in one another.

“Oh… fuck,” Kai exhaled, resting his forehead against Shixun’s. Not even his tan skin could hide the flush that spread to his chest and neck from where Shixun’s Mana was touching him. Shixun’s eyes dropped to Kai’s parted lips as his eyelids fell heavy and the tip of their noses brushed. “God… I… I love you.”

That snapped Shixun right back to reality.

Pulling away from Kai, he hurried off the bed and clasped a hand over his mouth as the truth dawned on him again. He panted while Kai gaped at him in disbelief.

“I didn’t… Sehun, I’m sorry,” he said in a panic, shooting up to his feet. “I don’t know why I said that. It just… slipped out. I’m sorry.”

Shixun swallowed and shook his head. “I should get going.”

“Sehun, wait.”

“It’s getting late. I don’t want to break curfew.” As he spun around to hurtle out of the room as fast as he could, Kai stood there, face twisted in something like bewilderment. It was as though he could digest what had just happened either.

Shixun would have jogged up to his room if only he had harboured the energy. Instead, he dragged his weight like a corpse, head muddled, eyes burning.

He did not know what that was about. But it was the strangest feeling.

Kyungsoo had already dozed off by the time he entered the room. After splashing some water from the basin on his face, Shixun retired to the bed, where he lay for hours, lost in his thoughts. That night, he cried himself to sleep.

A boy had told him that he loved him.

* * *

After lunch and before Machinic Magic, he holed himself up in the library, gathering a few tomes on the Power Sigil.

“The Power Sigil, previously stored at the ministry was relocated to the Grimwood Academy of Magic,” he read off the page. “Since, it has been guarded by unbreakable wards.”

He sighed. Unbreakable wards. What sort of unbreakable wards, he wondered. Were they the same kind of wards used at the manor? Could his Mana overpower them? He did not know because he had never tried to break the wards before.

Even after flipping hundreds of pages, he was not able to find the exact location of the Power Sigil at the school. Of course, he could ask the professors. Or the librarian. But that would only arouse suspicion.

When the bell tolled again, he returned the tomes to their shelves and made his way to his next class. He was excited for today’s lesson. Machinic Magic was, thus far, his favourite subject at Grimwood. The incorporation of magic with machines merited a fascination like no other. With each year, development in the machinic field enabled magic to reach unimaginable extents. It was a forever revolutionizing arena.

Shixun knew, that if he had the opportunity to proceed onto his third year, he would pursue Machinic Magic as a major.

As he strolled down the corridor, he spotted Kai and his gang of friends girding Kyungsoo, blocking his path, refusing to let him through. Although Kai was not actively ragging on him, he stood by and watched.

Shixun started toward them.

“Please, I’m going to be late to class,” Kyungsoo pleaded timidly.

“So?” said one of the upperclassmen.

“Let him go,” Shixun growled as he marched up to them. Kai straightened up and pulled away from the balustrade when he looked to Shixun.

“Kai, your swain is poking his nose where it doesn’t belong,” the upperclassman chimed.

Kai glanced to Kyungsoo and then to Shixun, who was glowering at him now. “They’re just playing, my love,” he said.

Shixun gritted his teeth. “Let. Him. Go.”

Kai scoffed. “You never used to mind before.”

“Well, I mind now,” he spat.

Blinking vacantly for a moment, Kai turned to his friends. “Let him go,” he muttered.

Kyungsoo spared Shixun a glance before he hurried away. Shixun gave Kai one last look before he began to walk away.

“Sehun,” Kai called, catching Shixun’s wrist. “We should talk about what happened last night…”

Shixun pulled his wrist out of Kai’s grip. “I’d rather talk about what happened a moment ago. Don’t pick on my friends,” he said. “Don’t pick on anybody that’s different. It hurts.”

Kai stared at Shixun like he had seen a ghost. “I was not… trying to hurt him, Sehun.”

“People like you will always feel superior. You think you can keep tyrannizing those who are different as much as you want.”

“Sehun, you’re causing a scene. And overreacting.”

“Why?” Shixun scoffed. “Because I’m saying the truth? You don’t know me, Kai. If you knew me, you’d be running away with your tail between your legs right this instant. You can like how I look. But that’s not all who I am.”

Kai’s eyes dropped to Shixun’s hand that was reddening as his Mana began to overtake him. Shixun calmed himself then, breathing heavily.

“If I were different, if I were pushed away by everyone else, if I were not free, if you did not see me the way you wanted to see me, you would not want me either,” Shixun spat. He did not know whom he was really angry at. Kai or himself. The sorrow and resentment that filled his chest were starting to suffocate him.

For the first time in his life, he had heard someone tell him that he was loved. But it was not real. It was not him that Kai loved. No one would love _him_. Not even had his mother who gave birth to him loved him.

And what would happen if Kai found out that he was not Sehun?

The closer he got to Kai, the worse everything would be. He needed to stay away.

Kai seemed tongue-tied as he continued to stare at Shixun in shock. Students that crowded the corridor had gone silent as they watched the debacle that unravelled before them.

His heart swelled with pain as he turned around and stomped away from Kai, hugging his books to his chest. While it might be true that a week ago, he did not even know who Kai was, last night had changed everything.

* * *

“What are you doing tomorrow?” asked Kyungsoo the next day as they sat at the library. It was the weekend. And that meant no classes. Shixun roused early to continue his research on the Power Sigil.

“Tomorrow?” he echoed in confusion.

“The gates open tomorrow.”

Oh, of course. Once a week, the students were allowed to leave the school grounds from the seventh bell until the twenty-first bell.

“Studying, I suppose,” he muttered in hushed tones, shrugging as he browsed through the tome on the history of the Power Sigil.

“What are you reading, by the way?”

“Nothing important,” he lied. “Just reading.”

“Anyway, I’m going to see my family tomorrow. My sister wrote me a letter, saying she’s getting married. My family’s holding a celebration tomorrow.”

“That’s wonderful.” Shixun smiled. “I hope you have a good time.”

“Aren’t you going home?”

Shixun’s stomach clenched. He wondered what it would be like if he went home. Would his parents even realize that he was not Sehun? It was most likely that they would.

It then occurred to him that the school would be at least half empty tomorrow with most of the students gone all day. It might be the perfect time to snoop around.

“No,” he told Kyungsoo and returned to his books.

* * *

When they returned to their room later that day, they found Kai waiting outside in the hallway, forehead slumped against their door.

Kyungsoo and Shixun exchanged a look, both confused.

“Kai?” Shixun then called apprehensively.

Kai spun around at once and faced Shixun with an embarrassed moue. “Sehun,” he rasped. Shixun’s eyes dropped to the bunch of red flowers Kai was holding in his hand. “You’re back.”

“How long… have you been waiting out here?”

“Not that long,” Kai blurted out. “I saw your name on the plaque and it wasn’t on, so I figured I’d wait until you are back.”

Shixun glanced at Kyungsoo.

Nodding his head, Kyungsoo left them alone. As he pulled their dorm room open, Kai said, “Hey… I’m sorry about yesterday. It won’t happen again.”

Kyungsoo gawped foolishly at Kai for a moment before he hurried into the room and shut the door.

Sighing, Kai turned to Shixun again. He briefly considered the flowers before holding them out. “I, uh, got these… For you. Well, I actually stole them from the school conservatory.”

Shixun crossed his arms over his chest.

Flowers.

No one had ever given him flowers.

“I’ve never done anything like this before,” Kai mumbled embarrassedly, as though he had heard Shixun’s thoughts. “I can’t even decide if this is charming or extremely lame.” He frowned at Shixun. “I was in the wrong,” he then sighed. “I did not know that… some things I did bothered you. I suppose I don’t really know you all that well, after all.”

He lowered the flowers and stepped closer to Shixun.

“But if I learned anything yesterday, it’s that I would never… mistreat you if you were different. I wouldn’t pick on you. Because… that hurts me, too. You were right. I courted you because of what I saw. You’re beautiful. You’re likable. You have everything. But it wasn’t… until a few days ago that I saw something else in you. I don’t even know what and I can’t describe it. But my heart is… It just goes when you’re around, Sehun. I don’t want to mess this up. So, please. Forgive me. And… I promise you, I will try to be a better man.”

It was earnest.

Shixun found himself taking the flowers out of Kai’s hand before he could even have a second thought.

Kai’s lips stretched into half a smile. “If you think I don’t know you, I want to know you,” he added. “And I want you to know me.”

Shixun lowered his gaze to the flowers. They smelled pleasant.

“Do you have plans for tomorrow?” asked Kai.

Shixun shook his head.

Kai grinned now. “Splendid. Meet me at the gates at the ninth bell.”

“Why?”

Kai did not answer as he brushed past Shixun, a hand lightly stroking Shixun’s on his way. “I will see you tomorrow. Sleep well.”


	6. Chapter 6

He could not stop thinking about it.

_“I killed them.”_

Perhaps it was because he had nothing else to do, being trapped in the manor, or perhaps his soul was simply tormented having heard that confession, but he did not stop thinking about it.

He had not spoken with Chanyeol since that evening. He had not dared to come out of his room. He could not believe that he had been fraternizing with a murderer. Not just any murderer, but a murderer who had killed his own family.

It was sickening. He could not bear to think that he was starting to consider Chanyeol a friend.

He tried to divert his attention a few times. He wondered what Kai could be up to. He would either be worried, looking for Sehun right now, or he could have moved on to his next paramour. Sehun would not be surprised if the man had gotten over his feelings for Sehun in the past week.

And the thought did not bother him as much as it should. Which was strange. Especially since up until a week ago, Sehun had been cocksure that Kai was the one.

Which in hindsight might be utter nonsense. They barely knew each other. Perhaps it had been all about only physical attraction thus far, after all. And being physically away from each other was beginning to dampen Sehun’s feelings for Kai, if there were any in the first place.

He shook that thought away. He was certain that as soon as he returned to Grimwood, the fire between them would be reignited.

He thought of the first time he had met Kai. In spite of having lived in Grimwood for a year, it was not until early this year that he had first noticed Kai. In a corridor outside of his classroom. Kai had noticed him, too. Sehun had always believed that it was love at first sight, even though he knew such a thing was highly unlikely. A few flirty glances soon turned into something more. And before Sehun knew it, Kai was kissing him good and proper behind a tower.

He liked Kai. Everything about him. Kai played by his own rules, which was fascinating to him. But then he realized, he did not know _everything_ about Kai. He only liked what he had already known about him.

He began to wonder if that was what love was…

Was it?

He sat up on the pallet and pulled a shirt on before wandering out of the room. He was not sure if he would like what he was going to hear, but he needed some answers.

Much to his surprise, however, he did not find Chanyeol by the portrait of the old man. Sehun wondered if the man were in his room.

But instead of looking for him there, Sehun proceeded toward the sunroom.

He halted in the doorway when he found Chanyeol, staring out the window as the sunlight poured in through the glass ceiling. The window displayed nothing but vast expanse of trees and a blurry world beyond.

Gulping, Sehun crossed the room, keeping his footsteps light. In spite of everything, he was not afraid of Chanyeol. Not anymore.

Even as he came to stand next to the older man, Chanyeol continued to gaze ahead. Sehun sighed and looked out the window. For moments, they stood there, letting the silence hang between them. Chanyeol owed Sehun no answers, no explanation. They barely even knew each other. But scant times in life one would encounter people that would change their life in the blink of an eye.

“I loved them,” Chanyeol muttered at long last, breaking the loud silence. “They were… all that I had. And they loved me, even though they knew I was dangerous. And one day, I lost control. I watched them die, choking on their blood, and even when I knew that I had caused it, there was nothing that I could do to save them at that point. My Mana would not allow it. It betrayed me. It overtook my sanity. It killed my own family. My daughter had just turned two. I was considered a deviant and my crimes an accident, so I was ineligible for imprisonment. But I wanted to be locked away, to be hanged. To somehow die in the hands of someone else because I was not courageous enough to end it myself.”

Sehun did not realize that he was choking on a sob until a tear rolled down his cheek. Whatever he had been expecting, he was not ready to hear that.

This might have been the guilt Shixun could have lived with if he had not been brought here when he was a child. This was why Shixun stayed away from the rest of the world. He knew what he was capable of.

Sehun’s hand was reaching out to Chanyeol before he even knew what he was doing. As his hand slipped into Chanyeol’s palm, the man stood still and quiet, still staring out the window.

Then slowly, his fingers curled around Sehun’s.

* * *

“Has the missive reached the ministry?” he inquired the Housemother the next day when he bumped into her on his way to the sunroom after lunch.

She did not answer as she shoved past him, bearing a platter of candied figs in her hands. Sehun’s mouth watered just looking at them. It had been more than a week since he had had good food. He did not know how the food served at the manor could be considered as edible. All of them tasted like sawdust on his tongue.

“Housemother,” he whined, hurrying after her. “Have you found where Shixun is?”

That the Housemother answered. “I have lodged a complaint of his absconding. The authority will take care of it.”

Sehun heaved a sigh. He was not even sure if he wanted Shixun to be caught anymore. But he sure did long for the day to put a fist through his brother’s skull for doing this to him.

As he made his way to the sunroom, hoping to find Chanyeol there, his heart almost leaped out of his chest when he was met with all the people there, lounged on the cushions, most of them with a book in their hands.

His lips stretched into a grin. He never knew he could feel so fulfilled seeing others enjoy something he had done.

“Happy?”

He turned around to meet Chanyeol’s stoic expression. “You did this?” he rasped.

Chanyeol shrugged. “ _You_ did this. I only had to spread the news.”

Sehun beamed, shaking his head before he glanced at the sunroom again. Some of them were looking at him with a faint smile on their lips.

“You know,” Sehun said, facing Chanyeol again. “There’s a neglected conservatory that could use the help of our green fingers. And maybe the others would like to help.”

Chanyeol, for the first time ever, smirked at him, cocking an eyebrow.

* * *

They spent the next couple of days in the conservatory, cleaning it up first before they could give the plants their attention. At the beginning, it was just the two of them.

Then a little girl joined them. She was the girl who had scurried away from Sehun on his second day at the manor when he had asked her where the lavatory was.

“How can I help?” she said to Sehun in a small, timid voice without looking up at him.

Sehun adopted a crouch so that he could meet her eyes and not tower over her intimidatingly. “Well, why don’t you grab a rag and help us clean the dirt on the tables?”

She nodded shyly and picked up a rag. Sehun smiled and rose back to his feet. As he glanced to Chanyeol who was standing on the other side of the table, he saw the man looking at the little girl forlornly. Sehun supposed if he was reminded of his daughter.

Cupping a handful of water from the pail, Sehun flung it in Chanyeol’s direction. As the water globules landed on his face, Chanyeol flinched and turned to Sehun with wide eyes.

“Oops,” Sehun cooed playfully, flashing a toothy grin.

Shaking his head, Chanyeol returned to the chore at hand. Sehun pursed his lips disappointedly. Well, he was not ready to yield.

When he tossed another handful of water at the man, Chanyeol closed his eyes for a moment before he opened them to stare at Sehun.

“Loosen up, old man,” Sehun murmured.

That was when Chanyeol leaped over the table between them and charged at Sehun.

Although Sehun was paralyzed for a beat, unable to process the incoming attack, he eventually gasped and started to retreat with his blood pounding in his ears.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he screamed as Chanyeol lunged at him, hands flying up to grip Sehun’s arms before he slammed Sehun against a wall behind him.

Sehun almost saw death flash before his eyes.

But then Chanyeol smiled and leaned toward Sehun’s ear. “Don’t talk so big if you can’t take a hit,” he whispered.

Sehun trembled then, breath hitching. As Chanyeol pulled back a little, hands still wound tight around Sehun’s arm, their eyes bored into each other for a moment, Sehun’s chest still heaving.

His gaze then lowered to Chanyeol’s lips.

A small whimper from the girl that was gawking at them in horror, her hands holding the rag to her chest, broke them apart at once. Chanyeol cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck before he turned around to return to his chore.

Sehun, on the other hand, took a few moments to catch his breath and to stop his head from spinning.

* * *

“Looks good for now,” Chanyeol commented later in the evening when they decided that they had done enough for one day. The girl stood between them, looking at the conservatory that was only half done. “I can ask the Housemother to provide us with some reinvigoration potions for the plants tomorrow.”

“What’s your name, by the way?” Sehun asked the girl.

Keeping her head low, the girl muttered, “Cherry.”

“Well, thank you for helping us today, Cherry. I hope more people will come by tomorrow.”

“I can ask them, if you want,” she said, finally looking up at Sehun.

He smiled down at her. “That would be really nice. Thank you.”

Nodding her head, she left the conservatory.

“Do you think she’s in here because of her Birth Prophecy?” asked Sehun.

Chanyeol was silent.

“Chanyeol?” Sehun tried calling as the man clenched his eyes.

“You shouldn’t try to change things around here,” he said at length, facing Sehun with a frown. Sehun was surprised to see another emotion from the man. “You should just let things be as they are.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not going to stay here forever. And what you leave behind would only be… memories.”

Sehun did not know what to say to that.

When Chanyeol started to turn around, Sehun caught his arm. The man halted in his tracks and looked to Sehun’s hand that was gripping him.

“You don’t have to stay here forever either,” he told Chanyeol with a small ache in his heart. “I know you’re trying to punish yourself. I know you’re afraid of hurting more people that you love if you feel again. But life is about moving on. I loved my brother. He was taken away from me. I saw him hurt. And I hated that I could do nothing about it because he had made his choice. Now, I see you… do the same. Just because you’re afraid.”

He released Chanyeol’s arm to take a step closer to him.

“But your case is a little different from his. You have tried to make it work. And even though it had ended terribly for you and those you loved, you cannot dwell in the past, Chanyeol. I know it’s easier for me to say because I never went through what you did. Hell, I never went through any hardship in my life until… now. But if you’re willing to give yourself another chance, I promise you, I will be there by your side to help you.”

In that moment, all that Chanyeol did was look vacantly into Sehun’s eyes. He had every reason not to believe any of Sehun’s words. But Sehun had meant them. All of them.

As much as Sehun wanted Chanyeol to say something, to say that he trusted him, all that the man did was walk away, a hand rubbing his forehead.

“What am I doing?” Sehun muttered under his breath, bracing himself against a table.


	7. Chapter 7

The bell tolled eight times. Shixun was pacing a hole into the dorm room’s floor as he restlessly marched back and forth, clenching and releasing his fists.

Kyungsoo grimaced at him once he was done packing his knapsack. “Are you all right?”

Shixun shook his head as he continued to pace the room. He should not go. There was no reason for him to meet Kai at the gates. He had no reason to wonder about Kai’s plans. He should not care. He should stay put and focus on his mission.

“Sehun?”

Shixun did not respond as he cudgelled his brain that was relentlessly thinking about Kai and everything that he had said last night. He glanced to the flowers on the desk. He did not like the way his heart skipped a beat every time he looked at them.

“Okay. I’m going to get going. Can you make sure that you don’t scuff the floor for good?” said Kyungsoo, picking up his knapsack.

Shixun came to a standstill and said, “Kai told me to meet him at the gates today.”

Kyungsoo blinked at him. “And?”

Scratching his head, Shixun exhaled loudly. “Should… I?”

“Why are you asking me? He’s your lover.”

“He’s not my…” Shixun cut himself off. “I mean, we’re not… I don’t know. I don’t know what to think when it comes to him.”

Kyungsoo made a face. “You seem to be rambling.”

“Yeah, I know.” He plumped unceremoniously on the bed and planted his head in his hands. “I’m so confused.”

“Uh… I think you should go. If you’re still mad at him for what he did yesterday, don’t be. I’m fine and I know that deep down, he’s not a bad person. And if anything, I noticed that he is trying now. For you. And the way he looks at you now… It’s nice. It’s… beautiful.”

Shixun raised his head. “What do you mean… the way he looks at me _now_?”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I only thought you two decided to be together because of… you know…”

Shixun looked at him confusedly.

“You know what,” Kyungsoo murmured. “But I suppose I was wrong. He really wants to keep you. He looks like a man in love.”

“Oh.” Shixun was not sure if that made him feel any better. Kai was in love with Sehun. He was not falling in love with Shixun. And that felt like a punch to the gut.

Which was ridiculous. He was beginning to lose his sleep over this, and none of this had been part of the plan.

“I’ll see you later tonight, then.” With that, Kyungsoo wended his way out of the dorm room.

In complete silence, Shixun brooded tiredly. On one hand, he knew that whatever that had his heart clamouring in confusion was irrational. But on the other, he knew he had never experienced something like this before. Hence, he did not know how to deal with it.

Even though he decided in that instant that he would not meet Kai as he was requested to today, he found himself trudging toward the gates at the ninth bell, clad in the best clothes his brother had in his wardrobe. He did not know why he had spent the past hour rummaging through Sehun’s wardrobe, looking for something nicer to wear than the school uniform. He had eventually found a maroon shirt that had embroidered cuffs and collar. He had never worn anything so fancy. In fact, for the most part of his life, he had only ever had to wear grey. Donning something so bold was a little daunting. But if Sehun owned it, then he supposed it would not look all that odd on himself.

And that felt wrong, too. Everything in his life at the moment was borrowed. All of this belonged to Sehun. Shixun was living a borrowed life. And the guilt was eating away at him the same time, for the first time in his life, he was met with happiness.

There were a few carriages waiting outside the gates. Shixun figured they were there to be hired by the students to take them to places today.

He jerked to an abrupt stop when his eyes landed on Kai, who was waiting by the gates, making casual conversation with the warden. Shixun could have sworn that he had never felt his heart beat so fast and loud.

Kai was sporting a black shirt, tucked into his breeches, unusually laced all the way, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair was neater than it had been in the last few days. He looked refreshed, awake, grinning from ear to ear as he conversed with the grouchy warden, arms crossed over his chest.

When he eventually caught a sight of Shixun, his grin faltered and jaw fell a little. Unfolding his arms, Kai let them fall to his sides as he started toward Shixun.

Shixun gritted his teeth, trying to stop himself from blushing as Kai approached him, staring at him like he was the last piece of meat on the platter.

“Hey,” Kai let out when he reached Shixun and raised a hand to gently cup a side of Shixun’s face before he leaned in and brushed a kiss on Shixun’s cheek. Shixun screwed his eyes shut momentarily as Kai’s warm and soft lips pressed firmly against his skin.

Shixun pulled away, swallowing hard. “Hey.”

Smiling again, Kai eyed him from head to toe. “You look beautiful.”

Shixun carded his fingers through his hair, keeping his gaze low. He wanted to tell Kai that he looked even better. But the lump in his throat and the guilt in his heart silenced him. He felt stupid for having dressed up. What was he trying to do? Impress Kai? Why?

“Come on,” Kai then said, walking back to the gates. Shixun followed after sucking in a big breath.

Their badges glowed for a fleeting moment as they crossed the gates. Shixun wanted to ask Kai where they were going. But he ended up marvelling at the morning sunlight that glistened on Kai’s skin and danced in his eyes.

Shixun paused in his strides when Kai started to take a turn toward the trees. Looking back at Shixun, Kai said, “Well, come on.”

“Where are we going?” inquired Shixun.

“Where do you think? I’m going to take you into the woods to kill you and bury you for no one to find.” Kai smiled smugly.

Shixun scowled at him.

Chuckling, Kai held a hand out. “Trust me.”

After a long moment of scrutinizing the hand that was held out to him, Shixun shyly took it. As his fingers slid past Kai’s that quickly curled around them and tugged them forward, his face grew hot.

They toiled and trekked over the protruding tree roots and logs, fingers intertwined with Kai leading the way. “I woke up really early to set it all up,” said Kai, glancing back at Shixun with a smile. “I realized I’ve never done anything… romantic for you. Well, I’ve actually never done anything romantic.”

“I didn’t… ask you to.”

“I know. But I wanted to. For the first time.” He snorted. “Look at what you’re doing to a once proud man, Sehun.”

Shixun frowned, fingers loosening around Kai’s. He wondered what it would be like to hear Kai his name for once instead of Sehun’s. And that felt like an unreasonable want.

“But it’s okay. I learned in the last week that the best ones always make you work a little harder.”

Shixun blushed at that. He pulled his hand out of Kai’s grip after some time when it was starting to get clammy. The further they wandered into the forest, the louder the birdsongs were. To say that he was curious about where Kai was taking him would be an understatement.

The last time he was taken somewhere without prior notice, his parents had abandoned him for good at the Clovervale Manor.

“And here we are,” Kai sang when they stepped out of the copse of trees.

Shixun gazed ahead at the lake that was laid out before them, its surface stagnant and unperturbed. Fowls soared in the sky, birds chirped from the trees that surrounded the expansive body of water. And in the horizon was the morning sun, gleaming like a golden medallion against the backdrop of clouds.

Closer to the lake was a blanket, spread out on the grass, holding a bottle of mead, a pie and an assortment of fruits.

“I can’t tell if you think this is nice or lame,” Kai remarked, studying Shixun’s expression.

Breathlessly, Shixun walked over to the blanket. “It’s… _wonderful_ ,” he let out.

Kai wrapped his arms around Shixun’s waist from behind and pressed a kiss to the nape of Shixun’s neck. Shuddering, Shixun pulled away. “Well, this is my really late birthday present to you.”

Shixun grinned despite himself. His heart felt so full that he wanted to scream. He turned around and faced Kai. “Who knew you had it in you,” he joked, simpering.

“No one,” Kai scoffed, ushering Shixun onto the blanket.

They opened the bottle of honey mead first.

“Shit,” Kai hissed. “I forgot cups.”

“That’s all right.”

Kai took a sip from the bottle before handing it out to Shixun. Accepting it, Shixun surveyed the bottle for a moment, unsure of how mead might taste. “What’s wrong?” asked Kai.

“Nothing,” he muttered and supped a small amount of the mead. It had the slight sweetness from the honey, but it was mostly bitter. Shixun’s face twisted in discomfort.

Kai chuckled. “Was that your first sip?”

Shixun nodded, handing the bottle back. “It’s… really bitter.”

Kai gulped another mouthful of the mead. “I’m sorry. I just assumed that you would like it. I went to great lengths to steal this from the teachers’ quarters. It’s one of the good kinds.”

“You stole it?” Shixun’s eyes bulged out.

“Here. Maybe you’d like this better,” he said and pushed the pie toward Shixun along with a fork.

Shixun dug into it while Kai leaned back on his hand and faced the lake, taking a couple more drafts of the mead. The cherry pie, unlike the mead, was delicious. When Shixun moaned appreciatively after taking a bite, Kai laughed before he reached out and cupped a side of Shixun’s jaw, swiping his thumb along a corner of Shixun’s mouth.

He then brought the thumb to his own mouth to suck it clean of the blob of cherry filling.

Shixun dropped his head, throat tightened, face flushing red.

* * *

He had come to Grimwood, hoping to change his fate. Perhaps he never should have come here. Guilt spread over his chest like a disease when he realized that he was falling for Kai.

His brother’s lover.

And that was not even the worst guilt. His feelings were not only betraying his brother. But they were betraying Kai’s trust, too.

As they lay on the blanket, watching the clouds drift by as the sun slowly climbed up the sky, Kai snuck his arm under Shixun’s head so that he could rest more comfortably.

Shixun turned his head to look at Kai then. “Can I ask you something?” he said in a low murmur.

“Hmm,” Kai said, sounding a little tipsy from the bottle of mead he had finished on his own.

“Why did you… choose me?”

_Why did you choose Sehun?_

Kai met his gaze and thought about it for a moment. “Because you were the prettiest boy I had ever laid my eyes upon.”

Shixun frowned. Kai returned his gaze back to the sky and the clouds.

“I wanted you from the moment I saw you,” Kai added. “Just like how I want the shiniest sword at the smith’s when I see one. I couldn’t let anyone else have it until I’ve given it a swing.”

“Oh.” Shixun looked up at the sky again, a new kind of misery bubbling in his chest.

“And then I got to know you,” Kai muttered at length. “I knew it was more than just attraction then. But I was not sure until you kicked my ass at the training the other day.”

“What?” Shixun blinked at him.

“Something… sparked in me, Sehun. And I know, it sounds ridiculous. Especially for a grown man to say such things. But I don’t know. I just… I never looked at you the same way. You’re different. Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention before because I was focusing on the wrong things. But… I can’t explain it. It’s different. It’s confusing.”

Shixun felt his breathing quicken. It _was_ confusing.

“And then that night, your Mana… God, it drove me crazy.” He faced Shixun again with an earnest expression. “What I said then was true. In that moment, with you so close, your Mana seeping into my heart, I did love you. And I know that I freaked you out. I would understand if you don’t feel that way about me yet. I realize that… in spite of everything, we don’t even know each other all that well.”

“We don’t,” Shixun whispered.

“Well, what better time to get started than now?” He moved to lie on his side. “I never asked you about your family. Tell me what they’re like.”

“Um…” Shixun knew he should lie. He needed to pretend to say what Sehun would say. But as he gazed into Kai’s eyes, he found himself saying, “My family doesn’t care about me.”

Kai blinked, face paling. “Really?”

Shixun nodded.

“How so? I always had the impression that… you had a normal life, a supportive family, who loves you,” said Kai.

“What if I didn’t?” asked Shixun. “Does that make me… less attractive? If I weren’t as normal or as loved as everyone thinks I am, would you still… want me?”

Kai’s eyes narrowed as his eyebrows scrunched into a lour. “Do you really think of me as a shallow man, who cares about the superficial things?”

“Yes,” Shixun muttered, smiling.

Kai rolled his eyes. “I know that’s how it all started out, but I care about you now, Sehun. In… ways that I didn’t even know I could.” He brought a hand to Shixun’s cheek and gently caressed it. Shixun leaned into the touch involuntarily. “Besides, I think I _own_ bad families.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told you about my deadbeat father. But I never really… talk about my mother. After I went to prison for a while, my mother refused to talk to me again. She believed what I did was wrong, even though I was only trying to protect her. I just wish… she’d forgive me one day and… talk to me again.”

“I’m sorry,” Shixun breathed out. “Is that your… dream?”

“Maybe. I want to be an instructor one day. Be somebody… my mother would be proud of.” He tucked Shixun’s hair behind his ear. “What about you? What’s your dream?”

Shixun thought about it for a moment. “I just want to be free,” he exhaled. “To be accepted. To be loved. I suppose… the best blessing there is to anyone is family. And we don’t get to choose the one we’re born into. But perhaps, we’ll be able to choose the one we’ll end up with.”

Kai was now staring at him, eyes almost unblinking, lips parted, breathing labouring rapidly. His thumb brushed along Shixun’s cheekbone as he propped himself up and leaned in.

Shixun held his breath and clenched his eyes when Kai kissed him. He should pull away. He should stop. But he yielded instead. Curling a fist around Kai’s shirt by the chest, Shixun kissed him back. Slowly, tenderly.

This was wrong. Very wrong. Yet it felt so right.

He had never been happier.

As he slid his other hand into Kai’s hair at the back of his head, Kai ran his tongue along Shixun’s lower lip before sucking it softly while his teeth grazed it, leaving it red and tender. Shixun parted his lips eventually to gasp for air, and Kai’s tongue slithered past the seam of his lips, brushing against Shixun’s tongue.

His fingers tightened around Kai’s hair as Kai slipped a leg between his thighs, deepening the kiss with a ferocity that had Shixun’s blood swirling in his loins. The strange, alien sensation left Shixun swooning.

He summoned his Mana in a daze, unknowingly. His hand that was pressed against Kai’s chest reddened as the Mana flowed from his fingers and met Kai.

A moan broke from Kai’s lips, his skin growing hotter by the heartbeat at full tilt, as though his blood were starting to boil.

He gripped Shixun’s jaw and kissed him harder, all tongue and teeth, not even pausing to catch his breath or to let Shixun catch his.

Just as sweat began to dampen Kai’s shirt, Shixun realized what he was doing. His eyes flung open, and Kai broke the kiss, panting, before he pulled away from Shixun and collapsed on the blanket.

“I’m sorry,” Shixun gasped at once, sitting up.

Kai closed his eyes and shook his head, covered in sweat as he fought for breath. “What the… hell was that?”

Shixun looked down at his hand, retracting his Mana. “I… don’t know.”

It took Kai a moment to recover and once he had calmed down, he sat up next to Shixun and said, “Are you all right?”

Shixun frowned. No, he was not all right. He had almost killed the boy he was kissing. “I lost control.”

“Did you?” Kai’s face wilted. “It felt like I was… thrown into an active volcano.”

Shixun’s eyes watered. His lips were still swollen. “I’m so… sorry.”

After a moment, Kai snaked an arm around Shixun’s back and took hold of his chin to turn Shixun’s face. “Is there… something you’re not telling me?” he asked worriedly.

Shixun wanted to spill everything to him right then and there. He wanted to tell Kai that he was not Sehun. That he was not who Kai thought he was. And that he had pathetically fallen in love with his brother’s lover.

His fate could not be crueller, could it?

He shook his head instead, closing his eyes. “No,” he let out. “I just got… carried away for a moment.”

“You and me both,” Kai muttered before his lips met Shixun’s one more time in a light brush. “It’s all right. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”

Shixun dropped his head against Kai’s shoulder and tried to calm his breathing.

Kai would never forgive him if he found out the truth.


	8. Chapter 8

In the following week, Shixun strove to pull himself together and get his head back in the assignment he was sent here for after he had received a letter from Keda, inquiring the status of his mission along with a postal order containing money from his parents, addressed to Sehun.

He began to realize that he might have overreached. How could a twenty-year-old boy, who pined for all the times a twenty-year-old did, change the world? This was not some fantasy in which he was the hero. The more he understood that all that he wanted was to live a normal life, the more he realized that he was not extraordinary. He was not what his Birth Prophecy claimed him to be. He was not meant for great things.

But he was in too deep now. His mistakes had robbed him of everything now. Even if he did not succeed in acquiring the Power Sigil, he had committed a crime by breaking out of the manor without following proper procedures, and he had broken into the most prestigious school of all. Not to mention he had committed identity theft.

He would be locked away in prison, especially since his crimes were deliberate.

After two whole evenings of research, Shixun discovered that the wards protecting the Power Sigil were meant to keep it hidden. It had no other guarding mechanism otherwise. The wards only allowed those with the authority to pass through. Like the headmaster or the head of the ministry.

How was Shixun supposed to pass himself as one of them?

He read on.

The wards were forged by the high-level Mana wielders. Then it would take one of them to bring the wards down.

There was a reason why people like Shixun, with erratic, powerful Mana, were not allowed to be admitted into places like the Grimwood Academy. But how would they find out now that he was already here?

He asked the librarian for the section of the library where he could find information on protective wards.

Protective wards dealt with neither blood magic nor machinery magic. It probably had more to do with alchemic magic and theurgy. Still, wards required a great level of skills to be ministered.

Shixun needed no skills. Magic came to him as naturally as breathing. It was both his blessing and his curse.

Whenever he was not holed up in the library or in the classrooms, he hung out with Kai and Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo told him many stories about his family, who was into the sweetmeat business. He had come back to Grimwood from home that weekend with bags full of sweetmeats, which he was happy to share with Shixun _and_ Kai when the latter was with them in the room.

“This is made from dried pears,” said Kyungsoo as he handed Shixun another chunk of sweetmeat one of the days during their lunchbreak.

Kai had followed Shixun up to his dorm room.

Taking a bite of the sweetmeat that simply melted in his mouth, Shixun said, “This is so buttery and good.”

Kai stretched an arm from where he lay on Shixun’s bed, resting his spine for a moment after an entire morning of tutoring first-year Combative Magic students, and pried the half-bitten candy out of Shixun’s hand.

Tossing it into his mouth, he nodded in agreement. “It is really good, Bambi.”

“What’s a Bambi?” Shixun asked, arching an eyebrow at Kai. He was seated on the floor along with Kyungsoo, which was convenient for Kai to, once in a while, run his fingers through Shixun’s hair.

“It’s my nickname for him.”

“What’s your nickname for me, then?”

Kai sat up and leaned into Shixun’s ear before whispering, “It’s unimaginably naughty that I don’t think you’re ready to hear it.”

Shixun crimsoned in embarrassment at once.

“Get a room, you two,” Kyungsoo groaned. “Do you want to try the almond-rose candy?”

Over the following week, he learned that Kai was the best student in the third year in the Combative Magic major. Which explained why he had taken it so hard and everyone had been so surprised that Shixun had beaten him at the training that day.

Shixun apologized once more later that week for stealing Kai’s thunder and that he hadn’t known. Kai said that he was glad that Shixun had done it.

When they were together, Kai was more interested in talking than touching now. He asked Shixun all sorts of questions. What was his favourite colour, his favourite food, the name of his first pet. When Shixun told him that he had never had a pet before, Kai asked him if he would like to keep one in the future.

Shixun had nodded his head excitedly. “I love puppies,” he said. “I would like to have one.”

Kai had never smiled at him so lovingly.

Shixun, too, realized that he was making an effort, unknowingly, to get to know Kai. Everything about Kai was fascinating. Perhaps it was the way Kai said it and narrated stories. But some evenings, they would sit on the balustrade in the corridors of the dorm tower while Kai told him stories of his childhood. Like the time he had engaged in a street fight with a little boy when he was ten. Or the time he kicked his father in the nuts.

Shixun loved listening to Kai talk about his mother.

“We lived in this small house in Midhall. It’s a small, insignificant village nearby actually,” Kai said, sitting on the balustrade with his legs dangling on either side of it, back leaned against a pillar. Shixun sat close to him, between Kai’s legs, hugging his knees to his chest. “I used to look at the school from far and think… I’m going to get into it if it kills me. When I would tell my mother that, one day, we would be living a better life than this, she would rub my head and smile at me.”

Shixun lowered his legs and folded them, hanging his head. “My mother has never rubbed my head or smiled at me,” he whispered.

Kai was silent for a moment. He then brought a hand to Shixun’s head and ruffled his hair with a lopsided grin. “Better?”

Shixun snickered and shoved Kai’s hand away. “Thanks. But you’re not my mother.”

“Well, you’re the one who said we get to choose the family we’ll end up with.”

In that moment, Shixun wanted to just take his last breath in Kai’s embrace.

* * *

He did manage to get a better grasp on theurgy eventually. He was not good at it, but he was certainly better at being able to concentrate in quiet.

“Think of your happy place,” Kyungsoo advised him when they were in class, being instructed to draw the wall between their physical world and spiritual world down.

“This is difficult,” Shixun sighed. “I don’t know what my happy place is.”

“You need to be calm. Meditation is all about the stability of the mind.”

Shixun closed his eyes once more, seated on the floor that had wards drawn all over it. He thought about the things that made him happy. All his life, he did not even know what happiness was. In less than two weeks, however, a whole new world had been opened to him.

He thought of Grimwood.

He thought of Kyungsoo.

He thought of the good food.

He thought of Kai.

He thought of the kisses.

His chest felt light as his Mana coursed through his veins. Slowly, the physical world began to slip away from him as his mind entered a state where it was no longer connected to his body. It was a different realm.

“Well done,” he heard a voice that snapped him back to reality. His eyes flitted open to look at the professor, who was smiling down at him. “I see that you have managed to tear yourself away from the physical world. Keep it up.”

Shixun grinned then.

* * *

“There you are,” Kai said one afternoon when he found Shixun sitting on the ground in the corridor, reading a book. “Bambi said that you were quite the show-off at Machinic Magic today.”

Shixun sighed. “I only answered a question.”

“A really hard question. I didn’t know you were so smart. I’m starting to think that you’re out of my league.”

Shixun grinned up at him.

Then lowering to the ground, Kai reclined and rested his head on Shixun’s lap. “I’m exhausted. I wonder if I were so insufferable in my first year.”

“You still are,” Shixun joked, sliding his fingers into Kai’s hair to stroke it. His heart would still skip a few beats whenever Kai came close to him. “You still haven’t told me what your nickname for me is.”

Kai licked his smiling lips. He brought a hand up to curl around the back of Shixun’s neck and slowly drew Shixun’s head down. Ignoring the other students in the corridor, Kai kissed his lips softly.

Shixun held onto a side of Kai’s face and lost himself into the kiss for a moment.

When he raised his head again, he noted the students who were staring and giggling at them. He reddened but for once, did not pull away.

“Do you have plans for the day after tomorrow?” asked Shixun.

Kai looked at him in surprise. “I was hoping that I would get to spend it with you at the tavern or something.”

“I have something else in mind.”

“What?” He looked intrigued now.

“Meet me by the gates at the ninth bell?” Shixun smirked.

“I see you’re stealing moves from my playbook.”

“Only because you’re such a good teacher.”

* * *

“Do you want to tell me where you’re taking me?” asked Kai as the carriage rocked, causing their shoulders to bump against each other.

“Obviously far enough to kill you and bury you for no one to find,” Shixun joked.

“Hilarious,” Kai said. “Carriages make me sick.”

“Just hold on. We’re close now.” Actually, Shixun had no idea. He had an idea of the distance from town to town after having studied countless maps. But he had never even heard of this village. He was just glad that the carriage driver he had hired this morning knew where Midhall was.

Closing his eyes, Kai leaned his head on Shixun’s shoulder and slipped his hand into Shixun’s.

Shixun stared at their clasped hands and knitted his brows sadly. Each moment that he spent with Kai was precious. He wished things could be this peaceful forever. He wished that he could live this lie forever.

When the carriage jerked to a stop, Kai lifted his head and glanced out the window. “Where are we?” he asked, pushing the door open.

“You’ll see.”

As they climbed out of the carriage, Shixun told the carriage driver to wait for them before he turned to face Kai, who was staring at the village ahead of him with a vacant gaze.

His eyes were bleary when he turned to Shixun. “What is… this, Sehun?” he breathed out.

“You shouldn’t wait, Kai,” said Shixun, taking hold of Kai’s hand. “I’m sure she’s already proud of you. You have to go see her.”

Kai swallowed hard, looking away. “I don’t know if she’ll be happy to see me.”

“You could find out.”

Averting his gaze back to Shixun’s eyes, Kai was quiet for a moment before he turned on his heel and started toward the village. Shixun followed, hand curled around Kai’s.

Midhall was indeed a small village with straggles of cottages and huts. There were quite a number of forges and smelters. The air smelled like metals, and he heard metals clanging against anvils. It was village of smiths. Shixun wondered if this was where Kai’s love for swords and swordplay had rooted from.

Kai eventually retrieved his hand from Shixun’s as he came to a halt before one of the cottages. He glanced at Shixun once more, frowning.

“Go,” Shixun whispered.

With a deep breath then, Kai walked up to the door and knocked on it. His shoulders were squared, and his fists were wound tightly at his sides. Shixun wanted nothing more than for Kai’s mother to open the door and welcome her son in with a warm embrace in that moment.

Perhaps he wanted it for himself. For his mother to accept him.

When the door creaked open, Shixun’s heart hammered against his chest. A woman, with streaks of grey in her hair, appeared with a confused look before she looked to Kai. All blood drained from her face as she gaped at her son, as though she had seen a ghost on her doorstep.

Kai’s voice was shaky when he said, “Mother.”

The woman stepped out of the house and lunged at Kai, throwing her arms around him before she broke into a sob against his chest. “Kai,” she rasped, holding onto her son. “You’re back.”

* * *

“Your favourite butterfly pea milk,” his mother said, eyes still red from all the crying, as she handed Kai and Shixun the clay cups. Shixun wrapped his hands around the warm cup before taking a sip of the sweet, purple drink.

The cottage was small but cosy. But it was probably too big for one.

As Kai’s mother took her seat on the floor with them, she asked, “How are you, son?”

Kai’s eyes were set low, his jaw gripped tight, as though he were holding his tears back. Shixun reached out and touched his knee to comfort him. Kai’s mother eyed Shixun lovingly then.

“Are you a friend from school?” she asked Shixun.

“Yes,” Shixun said, smiling. “I’m in second year. He’s in third.”

She nodded her head slowly, glancing to her son again, wiping a tear from a corner of her eye. “I’m sorry. I should not have… said the things that I said. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me…”

Shixun frowned at Kai. “Kai,” he whispered.

Kai looked up at his mother then. His expression softened. “I was trying to keep you safe,” he said in a low, strained voice.

She wiped another tear. “I know. But I wanted you to have a family. I didn’t realize that it was too late for that.”

Kai huffed. “I missed you so much. Every day.”

She bowed her head. “I did too. More than you know.”

Shixun smiled to himself as Kai held his hand. “I was afraid of coming back here. Sehun… made me do it,” he told his mother.

She looked to their clasped hands and sighed. “I cannot thank you enough, Sehun.”

They stayed for lunch as per Kai’s mother’s request. Shixun busied himself in the vegetable garden at the back of the cottage to give Kai and his mother some privacy in the kitchen, so that they could talk. Later, Kai showed Shixun around the cottage, including his old bedroom. It was barely bigger than a closet with a small bed and a trunk. And in the trunk, Kai found his old toys and wooden swords.

“My mother made this for me,” he said, holding a dolly up. “I don’t know why she thought that I’d play with a doll.”

Shixun took it from Kai’s hand and giggled. “It’s adorable.”

Straightening up, Kai smirked at him. “Okay, full disclosure. I did sleep with it until I turned six.”

Shixun could not help the grin that stretched his lips wide. “My heart can’t take this. You, sleeping with a dolly. Oh, God.”

“Shut up.” Kai groaned.

Shixun eyeballed the doll for a moment. “Is it… all right if I took this with me?”

Kai stared at him then, eyes searching for something in Shixun’s. “Of course,” he then exhaled. “Whatever you want.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “His name is Bubba.”

“Ah, it’s a he,” Shixun sniggered. “Bubba.”


	9. Chapter 9

He spent the next few days in the conservatory. Julie showed up every morning to help him and Chanyeol. On the third day, however, she brought along someone else. A man in his fifties. And the day after, they were joined by a woman, who only said that her name was Miyana and that she had two daughters back at home. None of them were chatty at first either.

“It’s too quiet in here,” Sehun commented one day, mixing the reinvigoration potion with water in the pail to dilute it. “Does anyone know the song _Summertime Battles_ by the renowned bard Torfas?”

Everyone stopped what they were doing except Chanyeol, who had been keeping his distance from Sehun for the past several days. And for some odd reason, Sehun had been losing his sleep over that. He was agitated, anxious about why Chanyeol was giving him the cold shoulder.

Was it something that Sehun had said to him the other day? About moving on?

Perhaps it had been insensitive of him. And entitled. What did he know about grief and guilt? He was quick to give advice without having to go through half of the agony Chanyeol was undergoing.

The stolen glances were even more painful. Sometimes, he’d catch Chanyeol looking in his way. The man would avert his gaze as soon as Sehun caught him looking.

“I do,” said the old man, Daez. A faint smile formed on his face, as though he were recalling a fond memory. “My wife… and I danced to it on our wedding day.”

Sehun grinned. “Then you must know how it goes.”

Daez shook his head, embarrassed.

“Oh, come on!” Sehun groused. “Fine. I’ll start.”

He began with a hum. Julie stopped replotting the plant for a moment to turn to Sehun. The little girl smiled.

As he started singing, in a low voice at first, Miyana parted her lips a few times, as if she were about to sing. But then she glanced away, biting her lip.

Sehun glided over to her and took her hand, drawing her close for a dance. She refused at first, but as Sehun twirled her around, she began to beam and sing along.

Daez joined after a while. They sang better than Sehun did, he’d give them that. It was an old but popular song. He was sure that even Chanyeol knew it, but Julie was probably too young to have heard it.

As he waltzed around the conservatory with Miyana, his eyes occasionally flitted to Chanyeol, who was watching him now, the corners of his lips quirked up in amusement. Sehun’s heart slowly began to pound.

When the bell tolled, signalling lunchtime, Sehun led Miyana to a stop and smiled at her. She was smiling back at him.

“That felt…” she trailed off, dropping her head. “I used to dance with my daughters.”

“And you will dance with them once again,” Sehun told her, as though it were a promise. He had no clue how to keep that promise or to realize it, but he was determined that when he left Clovervale Manor, he would have had changed the lives of at least some of the people here. Nobody deserved to be so miserable.

Not even Shixun. The longer Sehun stayed here, the more he came to understand that he could not hold a grudge against his brother for what he had done. It was fair. Anything would be fair to these people, who lived here in guilt, fear, and captivity.

He wanted them to be free. Not just of this place. But of themselves and their grievances. And it upset him that there was nothing much that he could do. Until he was trapped here, life had always appeared to him in black and white, in spite of having everything that one could ask for. Family, wealth, knowledge, freedom, love, friendships. But he had never felt a purpose for living. Everything was so definitive yet so ambiguous.

But these few weeks had opened a new world to him. One that was devoid of expressions but full of emotions. Stifled, suffocating emotions.

And one man, in particular, was exceptionally good at burying those emotions.

Sehun wanted to peel him open layer by layer. He did not know why or how, but he needed to see Chanyeol bared and denude. Perhaps in more than one way.

“I can’t,” Miyana sighed dejectedly.

“We all need something to hope in order to live on, Miyana,” said Sehun, even though he had never practiced what he preached. But he was willing to start now. He wanted to hope.

His gaze turned to Chanyeol, who was still looking at him, expression sullen, eyes narrowed.

As the rest made their way out of the conservatory, heading for the dining hall, Sehun approached Chanyeol with wrought up worry. As he edged closer, the strain in Chanyeol’s expression softened.

“Are you… all right?” inquired Sehun in a mutter, keeping his head relatively low, as though a prey yielding to its predator.

Chanyeol looked away, licking his lips.

“Did I say something wrong the other day? Did I speak out of turn?” asked Sehun, frowning. He did not want to alienate Chanyeol. Even though he knew that they would most likely never see each other again, especially if Sehun decided to never return to this wretched place, he wanted him and the man to be good terms.

What were these _good terms_? And why was he thinking about them a lot these days? Why did his heart do all sorts of strange things when he thought about them?

“I’m sorry,” Sehun decided to say, unsure of what he was really apologizing for.

Chanyeol looked at him again with an arched eyebrow. “What are you sorry for?” he said.

Sehun swallowed before speaking again. “I must have offended you somehow. It was not my intention, but I know only _you_ will know your agonies and your sorrows. It will always be easy for people like me to tell you what to do. I didn’t mean to… patronize you, if that’s what you think I did. What I wanted to say was that… I might not be able to understand your grief, but I’m willing to share it if it’ll lessen your burden.”

Sehun’s heart ached, as though he had never spoken truer words. He had never been brave. He had always followed the rules and the fate that everyone had set for him. He never done something so brave. To share another man’s grief.

“Why?” was all that Chanyeol said, and it sounded like an earnest question he needed a sincere answer to. There was curiosity in his tone, and so was dreadfulness.

“Why?” Sehun echoed blankly. And _that_ sounded like a question he was asking himself. Why indeed. Why would he want to share the burden of a man he barely knew? Why would he want to understand the grief of a man who had murdered his family? Why would he care about a man who had never been a part of his life until recently?

Did he feel the same way for everyone in the manor? They were all grieving over one thing or another. They were all punishing themselves, willingly being here just so that they would not have to live in a world that did not want them. He had a brother like that. And yet, he had never been so brave. He had never dared to share Shixun’s burden. Because he knew he was not strong enough to go through what his brother did. Shixun’s struggles required courage, the willingness to sacrifice, selflessness. Sehun always believed that he could never share Shixun’s burdens. They were too much for him.

What made him think he could share Chanyeol’s burdens, then? Why was he making promises he knew he was not brave enough to keep?

He lowered his head defeatedly. He had no answer. And Chanyeol had no reason to believe him.

“This isn’t your life,” Chanyeol then said, in a quiet tone, only for Sehun to hear. “Your life, your world is out there. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or anyone here. It’s not what we want. We don’t want you to share burdens because you’re not one of us, Sehun.”

That hurt more than it should.

Sehun wanted Chanyeol to say his name again.

“You will _never_ know what it’s like to be one of us. You’re in here, for some weeks, with the knowledge that you’d be out there again, free to be yourself, free to love, free to unleash your Mana without restraint. And that is fair. Your fate is as such. You are fortunate. You have the possibility of living freely without guilt or grief. Make use of it. Be happy. What sort of a monster would I be if I consciously shared my torturous burdens with someone as innocent and kind-hearted as you? I do not want that for you. I do not want that for anyone. I can tell that you’re afraid. You were afraid the first time I saw you. I have known your brother all these years I’ve been here, but not once had I seen anyone be there for him. When you came, I saw fear and worry in your eyes. You were afraid of this manor, the people here. You can’t even deny that you were afraid of your own brother. If you can’t even share his burdens, how can you share mine?”

Sehun did not know why that made him choke on a sob.

He looked up at Chanyeol with glistening, glassy eyes. “I know you don’t trust me or anything that I say,” he muttered. “We barely know each other. But I… I feel… like I’ve known you my whole life. I can’t explain it. And I’m sorry that you don’t feel the same way.”

He fell silent as Chanyeol stared down at him for a moment before averting his gaze, eyebrows furrowing in something like dismay. Sehun sniffled and blinked away the tears that were rapidly welling up in his eyes.

And then he saw a tinge of life colour Chanyeol’s expression. “I can’t remember the last time I danced,” he said, appearing to be lost in a fond memory momentarily.

Sehun swallowed and smiled to chase his tears away. “Well, we can fix that.”

Chanyeol faced him with an alarmed look then. “No, that’s not… what I meant.”

“Come on,” Sehun insisted, grabbing hold of Chanyeol’s wrist to tug him forward. “Dance with me.”

“I don’t want to—” Before he could protest any further, Sehun threw his arms around the taller man’s neck and began to sway his hips.

Chanyeol groaned and tried to pull back a couple of times before he surrendered. His languid gaze fell upon Sehun’s eyes, his face turning into a soft hue of pink.

“That’s not how you dance,” he whispered and took hold of one of Sehun’s hand, drawing it away from his shoulder to hold in his hand. Then latching a hand to the small of Sehun’s back, he coaxed Sehun close, their bodies almost pressed together. Sehun’s breathing shallowed.

With one hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder and the other in his hand, he followed the man’s lead, keeping only partial attention on his footings and movements. The rest was lost in Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Where did a painter learn to dance like this?” he asked, voice barely a breath.

Chanyeol smirked. God, he _smirked_. “Painter. Not a troglodyte.”

“Sophisticated,” Sehun remarked as he moved around the conservatory, their bodies swaying in sync. His hand in Chanyeol’s was burning. He had never danced with another man. Not so… intimately, at least. “Some music would be nice.”

“Perks of being an artist,” said Chanyeol, his hand on the small of Sehun’s back slowly snaking to the side of his waist. “Our imagination is the best instrument there is.”

“I like it when you talk so much,” Sehun murmured, tempted to lean his head against Chanyeol’s shoulder.

Chanyeol then drew back, keeping his grip on Sehun’s hand before spinning Sehun around and hauling him back.

With a gasping breath, Sehun grabbed onto Chanyeol’s shoulder as their chests collided and Chanyeol’s arm grappled at his waist. They panted for a moment without taking their eyes off each other.

Sehun’s heart thundered. He wanted to lean in. He wanted to feel their lips touch. He had never felt such an urge before. It swooned him. He was going to regret it, but he wanted to kiss Chanyeol.

Then Chanyeol kissed him.

Wide-eyed and frozen, Sehun tried to come to terms with the fact that Chanyeol had tipped his head and kissed him. It felt as though he were soaring with sparks in his heart. No. Fire. Lightning bolts. Crackling thunders. He had been kissed many times before. But it wasn’t like this.

This was… ripping his heart apart.

For a moment, he let his eyes close and himself drown into the heat of the kiss. Chanyeol’s lips were slightly chapped as they kissed Sehun’s lower lip, gently, tenderly. Sehun’s hands curled into fists around the other man’s shirt. He was not breathing. He did not care. He did not even _want_ to breathe at this point. The kiss, in spite of being chaste and soft, was searing.

Cupping Sehun’s cheek with a hand, Chanyeol pulled back, eyes shut, lips parted and panting lightly.

Sehun tried to recompose himself, withdraw from the trance he was in. And then Chanyeol opened his eyes to meet Sehun’s.

There was something akin to disbelief in Chanyeol’s gaze along with a whisper of satisfaction. Slowly, the realization that they had just kissed dawned on Sehun. They had kissed.

Just as small smile began to curl on a corner of Chanyeol’s lips, Sehun blurted out, “I have a lover… back at Grimwood.”

Nearly instantly, Chanyeol’s expression wilted and his hand fell from Sehun’s face. He took a step back, the vulnerability in his gaze waning as his usual stoniness returned. “I’m… sorry.”

His voice broke as he apologized.

Sehun’s hands trembled. He hadn’t not meant to blurt it out like that. He was not sure why he had even said it. It was true, but did it matter? Of course, it mattered. Did it not? He did not know. He knew what guilt felt like. But right now, there wasn’t a single drop of guilt in his heart.

Rubbing his neck, Chanyeol pulled away from Sehun and turned around before strutting out of the conservatory, shoulders slumped.

Sehun stood paralyzed for a stretch, gasping for air. He wanted to go after the man. To ask him why he had kissed him. But he knew not to ask questions he did not want the answers to.

As a tear rolled down his cheek, he realized that he was falling in love for the first time.

* * *

He did not see Chanyeol for the rest of the day. Not that he had tried to. He stayed in the conservatory, seated on the floor, back leaned against a wall, knees hugged to his chest. The others returned after lunch to find him sullen and confused.

Julie knelt before him and frowned. “Are you all right?” she asked in a sweet voice.

Sehun shook his head.

Miyana and the old man stared at him for a stretch before they sat down next to him. No one talked. Sehun supposed that was how it was in the manor. Everyone suffered in silence.

It was then when he understood that they were suffering in silence _together_. He was one of them now.

When the day finally came to end, making way for nightfall, Miyana wrapped her arms around Sehun and told him that it’d be all right, even without knowing what was burdening him.

The conservatory was dark, quiet. But he still could not hear himself think.

Perhaps he was not trying to think about what had happened and what was going to happen.

“Are you trying to break every rule there is in this manor?!” came a growl from the door.

Sehun looked up at the Housemother before rising to his feet. “Sorry. I’ll go to my room now.”

The Housemother crossed her arms over her chest and spat, “I received a missive from the ministry today.”

Sehun halted in his tracks. He was too emotionally tired to even try to be curious about what might the missive say.

“They have looked into your case and appeal,” she said. “The ministry will be sending out guards to look for your brother.”

Sehun nodded his head weakly.

“If he is found guilty, he will be taken to prison.”

“Guilty of… getting out of here without permission?”

The Housemother cocked her eyebrow at him. “You cannot be a complete dunce to think that’s all there is to this.”

Sehun was even more confused now.

“He needs you in here while he’s out there. Now, I wonder why…” She rolled her eyes before she turned around. “Go to your room. This instant. You’ll be out of here any day now.”

With that, she left.

Scratching his head, Sehun started for his room. What did she mean by Shixun needed him in here while he was out there? Running away from the manor could not possibly warrant prison time.

God, he did not want Shixun to be taken to prison.

What would his parents do when they come to know all of this? If they hadn’t already…

He wanted to go back to not thinking again.

As he approached his room, he paused to look back at the portrait of the old man. He then ambled over to it and surveyed it for a while, wondering what secrets lay beneath it.

Secrets.

Biting his lip, he raised his hand and waved it over the portrait, commanding his Mana to undo whatever protection that was shielding the portrait.

He took a step back, jaw falling slack as the tattered portrait’s edges straightened and the writings hidden in the painting glowed.

It was brilliant. The print of the words was so small and camouflaged against the colours of the portrait that they were invisible to the naked eye.

Sehun was dumbstruck. Chanyeol was no ordinary painter.

He stepped closer to the portrait to read the writings.

_I’m a murderer. I’m a murderer. I’m a murderer._

It was repeated countless times all over the portrait.

Sehun scrubbed his face with his hands, swallowing a lump in his throat.


	10. Chapter 10

The ride back to Grimwood was quiet.

Kai kept his attention on the carriage window. Shixun kept his on Kai. He looked tired and not as happy as Shixun thought he’d be.

When they reached Grimwood, they made their way up to their rooms in silence until Kai broke it to ask, “There’s still plenty of hours before the last bell. Do you… want to…” he trailed off, glancing at his dorm room’s door.

Shixun gripped the doll in his hand, heart fluttering a little. He nodded.

He’d take whatever time he could get with Kai.

As they entered Kai’s room, Shixun placed the dolly on the desk before taking his boots off. Kai did the same after lighting the oil lamp.

Shixun stood by the door, rubbing his arm with a hand, body feeling unusually warm. “How are you… feeling?” he asked Kai, who turned around to face him.

The fatigue in Kai’s mien was palpable. But so was the despair. “Why did you do that?”

Shixun felt his heart clench. His face crumpled in embarrassment. “I’m sorry if I had overstepped my boundaries. I just thought that… you’d be happy if you met her again.”

It took Kai a moment to respond to that. And when he did, he sounded miserable. “Why do you care?” he let out.

Shixun’s eyes stung. He did not think that he had answer to that. He had never cared for anyone this way before. To go out of his way to find someone else their happiness.

“I’m sorry,” was all that he could say, voice breaking when he realized that Kai was not happy with what he had done.

“Sorry?” Kai choked. “Sehun, I’m… I…” He did not finish as he crossed the room and cupped Shixun’s face in his hands. Pinning Shixun’s back against the door, he smashed their lips together and kissed Shixun feverously.

Shixun gasped, hands crawling up Kai’s back to clutch at his shirt by the shoulder blades, as he desperately kissed Kai back. Kai’s demanded hands, wrapped around the sides of Shixun’s head, pulled him close while his lips hungrily abused Shixun’s, tongue swiping along them demandingly.

He then pulled back, panting, to rest his forehead against Shixun’s. “I chose you at first because you were beautiful on the outside,” he exhaled upon Shixun’s quivering lips. “But I choose you _now_ for how beautiful you are on the inside.”

Tilting his head, he kissed Shixun again, pulling him away from the door before they slowly stumbled their way toward the bed. Kai’s kisses were gentle now, almost lazy as he dropped to a seat on the bed and drew Shixun down to straddle his hips.

Shixun planted his fingers in Kai’s hair and bowed his head to kiss Kai full on the lips while Kai’s hands slid down Shixun’s back and snaked around his waist before they started unlacing Shixun’s shirt.

He broke away then, holding onto Kai’s shoulders. “Kai,” he rasped, his glistening eyes boring into Kai’s. There was nothing worse than betraying the ones he loved. He was betrayed once, by his family. He could not do the same to Sehun or Kai.

But hadn’t the ship long sailed? He had fallen in love with his brother’s lover. He did not even know if that was what love was. Could someone really fall in love so fast and so hard that it hurt so bad?

He should tell Kai at least now. Kai would never forgive him. And Shixun did not think that he could handle another person whom he loved washing their hands of him and leaving him. But he knew this was wrong. And the guilt would never let him be.

He clenched his eyes when Kai leaned in and kissed his neck. “Do you trust me?” he breathed against a corner of Shixun’s jaw before pressing a kiss to it. His hand slipped into Shixun’s shirt and caressed a side of his waist. It made Shixun’s eye roll back.

He never should have left the manor. He never should have naively believed that he could achieve something great. It was all a mistake. And even though he wanted to think of meeting Kai as a mistake, he could not. Kai was not a mistake. He was the only happiness Shixun had ever experienced in his life. And it was all a lie.

Enveloping his arms around Shixun’s waist, Kai dragged him to the side before lying him down on the bed. Shixun gasped for breath as Kai’s hand gripped one of his thighs.

“Kai,” Shixun called breathlessly when Kai lowered his hips between Shixun’s legs, a hand running up and down the side of Shixun’s torso under the shirt. All fight drained from him when Kai kissed him again, tenderly this time, a hand undoing Shixun’s shirt.

His body burned against Kai’s. Although he tried to keep some of his attention on his Mana, careful not to summon it unknowingly, Kai’s searing kisses were distracting. He did not realize that he was running out of breath due to the sob that suffocated him until he let out a weak whimper, tears trickling down the corners of his eyes.

Kai pulled back, a hand running through Shixun’s hair to push it out of his forehead. “What’s wrong?” Kai asked, frowning. “Do you want me to stop?”

“I’m sorry,” Shixun mewled as he blinked the tears in his eyes away.

“I told you. I’m not upset—”

“No, not about that,” said Shixun, hiding his face in a crook of Kai’s neck. “I… I want you. But I don’t know if you’d want _me_.” He was sorry because he wanted to be selfish in this moment. He wanted to forget his guilt and just be happy.

“Of course, I want you,” Kai let out, planting a kiss on Shixun’s forehead. “I’ve wanted you from the first time I saw you.” Shixun’s heart broke at that. But then Kai kissed him, slowly, softly, all over his face and neck, walking his fingers down Shixun’s chest and belly.

Shixun’s breath hitched a few times as he held onto Kai.

“I wanted you differently back then,” Kai whispered against Shixun’s cheek, kissing it. “But now, I want you because I… I love you.”

Shixun drew Kai’s head up to kiss his mouth. His Mana surged through Kai’s body briefly when he pressed his hands on Kai’s back. He quickly retracted his Mana when he realized what he was doing.

“That feels… stunning,” Kai panted upon Shixun’s mouth. “But maybe reel it in. I might want to touch you more first.”

Shixun scoffed out a chuckle. “Sorry.”

Kai knelt up next to yank his shirt off. Shixun leered at his bare chest, save the tattoo, the solid abdominal muscles, the trail of hair that ran from the navel and disappeared beneath the waistband of his trousers. He was wondrous.

He brought his trembling hands to Kai’s abdomen as Kai leaned back down to kiss him on the mouth.

It all happened in the heat of the moment. Shixun could not hold himself back, even though he had never experienced anything that was happening to his body right now. It felt as though he were set ablaze, engulfed by fire.

Blood rushed to his nether regions, warming them up so hot that he squirmed and coiled under Kai, fingers digging into Kai’s shoulder blades. He had never thought that one day, someone he loved would touch him the way Kai did. His hands were everywhere on Shixun’s body, feeling it out, finding spots that would make Shixun shiver.

When Kai straightened up, disjoining their mouths, Shixun propped himself up on his elbows and brought his hands to sides of Kai’s torso. Kai bit his swollen lip, sliding his fingers into Shixun’s hair as Shixun brushed his lips against Kai’s abdomen. He looked up, eyes wide and hungry, seeking guidance.

As though Kai had comprehended, he shoved Shixun back to lie before he went down on the latter. Shixun gritted his teeth to bite back on a moan as Kai peppered his chest with scorching kiss. His back arched off the bed when Kai slithered lower, dragging his lips down to Shixun’s belly.

Clutching at Kai’s hair, Shixun whimpered as Kai kissed the skin above his navel. “You’re so beautiful,” Kai breathed out, glancing up at Shixun before he kissed the belly again. When he crawled lower, Shixun looked down at him with mortification. He was hard with an obvious bulge in his pants. And he was red all over.

As Kai tugged at a lace at the front of his pants, Shixun lifted a hand to Kai’s shoulder. “Kai,” he called in a raspy breath.

Kai licked his lips before he bowed his head and ran his tongue along Shixun’s bulge over the fabric of the pants. Shixun gasped lightly, dropping his head back. God… Oh, God…

He could not look as Kai hooked his fingers into the waistband of the pants and started to lower them. Instead, Shixun reached out for the blanket and yanked it close, a fist wound tightly around it.

“Look at me,” Kai whispered, placing a kiss on Shixun’s thigh before grappling an arm under it. Shixun, with a parched throat, fixed his gaze back on Kai. “Good boy.” Kai curled his smirking lip between his teeth, a hand stroking the underside of Shixun’s thigh.

Shixun puffed and panted, unable to take his eyes off Kai, whose parted his lips and pressed his tongue to the tip of Shixun’s swollen shaft.

A hoarse moan broke from Shixun’s throat as his hips bucked. “Oh… Ahh…” He bit his tongue to keep himself from making too much noise. He burst into a string of gravelly whimpers and moans anyway when Kai ran his tongue along the pulsating length before he wrapped his warm, tight lips around Shixun’s cockhead.

As he began to suck the cock gently, Shixun groaned out Kai’s name a number of times, heels planted firmly into the mattress, one hand holding the blanket to his chest, the other clutched around Kai’s hair.

He wasn’t sure if anything he was feeling at the moment was right. Even with the pain and sorrow in his chest, the rest of his body wanted to convulse at the warmth that was cloaked around him. And then it got even better. Or worse. Shixun could not decide.

Kai sank in, taking all of Shixun into his mouth, smearing the member with saliva. Shixun’s eyes watered when the cockhead hit the back of Kai’s throat. Withdrawing, Kai tongued the leaking slit and sucked the tip again.

“Kai… Oh, God,” Shixun whimpered.

Pulling back and climbing out of the bed momentarily, Kai stepped out of his trousers before he crawled back between Shixun’s legs to rid Shixun of his pants, too. It felt strange, to be lie completely bared with another person. But the raw heat that encased their bodies as their skins pressed against each other, everything just felt like it had fallen into its place.

Kai caught Shixun’s lips for a kiss once more, taking hold of Shixun’s wrist. “Touch me,” he breathed into Shixun’s mouth, drawing Shixun’s hand to his own crotch.

Shixun fumbled at first as he folded his clumsy hand around Kai’s warm, thick, hard cock. Kai wrapped his around Shixun’s and guided him to stroke his cock. Shixun stopped kissing Kai back for a moment as he focused on pleasuring Kai and making sure that he did not summon his Mana while Kai continued to kiss him.

He eventually drew his hand away from Shixun’s to slide it under Shixun’s back, dragging it down to cup his ass.

His breathing laboured upon Shixun’s lips. “Ah… God… Yes… Uh…” he moaned, hips grinding against Shixun’s, fingers gripping his ass.

Shixun’s head spun, as though he were caught in a whirlpool. When Kai yanked his hand away from his cock and pinned it onto the bed, shifting his weight so that their crotches were pressed together, Shixun loosely draped his legs around Kai’s hamstrings. Kai smashed his lips onto Shixun’s neck and sucked on the skin there, leaving it tingling. Their bodies, bathed in sweat, moved in rhythm as Kai ground against him, their cocks rubbing together in a delirious friction.

  He wanted Kai to never stop. He wanted none of this to ever end. Just when he thought it could not get any better, Kai summoned his mana and pressed his hand to a side of Sehun’s waist.

He did not really understand what Kai was doing to his blood, but it felt staggeringly sensational. Shixun’s eyes rolled back as Kai deliberately drew his hand down to the lower part of his belly.

Brushing his lips against Shixun’s ear, he then rasped, “Touch me.”

Although he was worried, he bade his Mana and splayed his fingers on Kai’s back over the shoulder blades. Kai groaned into Shixun’s ear, picking up the pace of his thrusts. His lips charged Shixun’s mouth, neck and jaw with desperate kisses until they were both wheezing for air.

Shixun recanted his Mana as soon as he realized Kai was running out of breath, his body bathed in sweat. His own skin was burning, his heart galloping miles for a beat. His head was swimming in orgasmic transports as their cocks grinded against one another.

“Kai…” he whimpered before Kai hushed him with a kiss.

When he came, fast and hot, it felt as though he were doused in cold water on a hot summer day. His hips arched into Kai’s, begging for more friction. Their abdomens were stained by his come. Kai did not mind as he rutted harder against Shixun, groaning and panting.

Coming down from his high, he dropped his head against Shixun’s shoulder and caught his breath, in spite of their bodies being covered in hot sweat and come. Shixun did not care either. He simply wanted to stay this way forever.

Kai eventually raised his head again and cupped Shixun’s face before kissing him deeply but tiredly. “That was… fantastic,” he breathed against Shixun’s lips.

Shixun did not think that he could get any hotter than he was a moment ago, but he did as he blushed feverishly. They were lying there naked, limbs tangled, bodies pressed together after doing something so obscene that it was unspeakable.

“Sehun,” Kai then said, gazing into Shixun’s eyes.

Shixun looked away, a pain wringing his heart. Kai stroked a side of his face and turned it to meet Shixun’s gaze once more.

“You’re… perfect,” he told Shixun, drawing a thumb along Shixun’s lower lip. “You’re so perfect.”

“I’m really not,” Shixun whispered.

Kai smiled. “To me you are. And I want to be perfect for you.”

Shixun began to shift on the bed. As he tried to sit up, Kai caught his arm and yanked him back to lie down.

“Stay,” he said, caressing Shixun’s thigh. “Sleep with me.”

“I can’t,” muttered Shixun. “The curfew…”

“Well, we can break a few rules, can’t we?” Kai grinned, licking his lips before he pressed a kiss to Shixun’s cheek.

Shixun shivered as Kai dragged his mouth down his neck. “Kai…” he exhaled, breathing quickening once more. “I’ll stay if you tell what your nickname for me is.”

Kai brushed his smiling lips to Shixun’s temple as he laid Shixun back down on the bed and pulled the blanket over their bare, spent bodies. They lay there for a while, exhaustedly staring into each other’s eyes in the faint light the oil lamp yielded.

“All right,” Kai sighed. “It’s, um… Chunky Butt.”

Shixun’s face crumpled. “What?”

Kai chuckled. “I’m joking.”

Shixun rolled his eyes. “Tell me what it is.”

Something shifted in Kai’s expression. He leaned forward and kissed Shixun’s forehead. “The Love of My Life.”

Shixun stared at him vacantly then. “You’re joking again.”

Kai shook his head. “I… love you. And I’ve never… felt this way for anyone before.”

Closing his eyes, Shixun rested his forehead against Kai’s and rubbed the tip of their noses together. “Neither have I. Never… And I might never again.”

He fell asleep in Kai’s arms that night, never wanting to wake up again.


	11. Chapter 11

For the bigger part of his life, Sehun believed that love, attraction, desire, affection were things that one would need to seek out in order to attain them. He had never expected find them by chance in the most importune circumstance. But it had happened to him.

And he would have to walk away from them.

As he lay on the pallet, staring at the crevices on the ceiling, he thought that perhaps it was for the best. Regardless of what he might feel for Chanyeol right now, there was no guarantee that he would feel the same way tomorrow. And not to mention that he knew very little of the man to rationally feel anything too strong for him.

But that was what affection was, wasn’t it? Irrational.

And that irrational part of him continued to ceaselessly reminisce the brief kiss that had shaken up his entire world.

Why did he have to blurt out that he had a lover? Was it to inform Chanyeol or to remind himself?

He did end up finding the answer for the question that had been nagging at him. Did it matter that he had a lover back at Grimwood?

It didn’t.

Because he did not love Kai.

Was he in love with Chanyeol, then? That seemed irrational. Irrational and inappropriate. That much he was sure of.

What he wanted to know now was why _Chanyeol_ had kissed him.

He knew the last bell toll of the night had been sounded. The Housemother would probably be at his throat if she found him roaming the hallways at this hour. He supposed he had no reason to care since there was not really much that she could do since he would be out of here in less than a couple of weeks.

Climbing out of the pallet, he prowled out of his room and weaved his way to Chanyeol’s room.

Although he had never been to Chanyeol’s room, he had seen the man enter and exit the room several times. He figured that room at the end of the hallway was Chanyeol’s.

He knew Chanyeol would not be expecting him at this hour. Especially not at his door. When he reached the door, he swallowed hard and raised a fist to knock.

The door creaked open before his knuckles even touched it. He looked up at Chanyeol with bulging eyes.

“You should be asleep right now,” said Chanyeol in a low voice.

Sehun scowled then. “How do you… expect me to be _asleep_ after… after…” He trailed off, choking on the words.

Chanyeol’s face did not give away any emotion as usual. He held the door close and stared into Sehun’s eyes for one long moment before he said, “Do you want to come in?”

Sehun nodded his head, lowering his gaze. As Chanyeol drew the door open, Sehun stepped into the room.

It wasn’t any different from Shixun’s. The same cracked grey walls, the single pallet on the floor, the candle on the windowsill, the desk, the chilly air, the windows that would not open. But there was one difference.

The desk held a white canvas, blotches of blank ink staining it. The patterns made no sense to Sehun. They were incomprehensive. Just squiggles of flapdoodle.

“I thought you didn’t paint anymore,” Sehun remarked quietly.

Chanyeol did not respond. Sehun turned around to face him. The older man simply looked at him. Then sighing, Chanyeol said, “That was the plan. But lately… nothing has been going according to plan.”

He plumped down on the pallet and rubbed his temples.

“Look, Sehun,” he then said. “I know why you’re here. But I’d rather we… don’t talk about it at all. I’m very sorry for what I did, but I… had no idea. It was still my fault nonetheless. We should just forget that it ever happened and… I will keep my distance.”

Sehun’s chest tightened. He kept his gaze fixated on Chanyeol for a painful length before he dropped to his knees on the floor, facing the man. “But it _did_ happen,” he let out. Chanyeol’s eyebrows drew together. “It did happen, Chanyeol. And… I don’t want to forget about it. I… don’t think I can.”

For a brief second, Chanyeol looked perplexed. He then shook his head. “I shouldn’t have… I didn’t know what had gotten into me.”

“It’s okay,” Sehun muttered, flabbergasted and flustered at how Chanyeol was beating himself up for something that Sehun might have involuntarily desired.

“No, it isn’t,” said the other man. “I misread your kindness and cordiality. No, that is not it. I have been trying to understand why but I haven’t come even remotely close to it. It was not about what I had misread. It’s about _why_ I had misread. For years, I’ve wanted to stay away from the outside world and everything that came with it. I didn’t think I would ever want to… feel again. I deserved to die. I deserved to rot. But then you… you who came from the world that I thought would name me a monster, an abomination, and you were kind to me. All that I did in return was… I’m sorry. I’m… really sorry.”

Sehun darted forward then and caught the front of Chanyeol’s shirt, yanking him close until their lips crashed against one another. He sucked in a sharp breath as he kissed the man hungrily.

Chanyeol did not kiss him back immediately. But when he slowly began to lose his composure, his hand came around the back of Sehun’s neck.

Sehun shuddered when the sparks that often flickered on the tips of Chanyeol’s fingers touched his skin. His heart rate increased at once. Chanyeol ran his tongue along Sehun’s lips, fingers curling around Sehun’s hair by the nape.

When they came apart for air, Chanyeol’s eyes desperately searched for Sehun’s. He frowned, releasing Sehun’s neck. “What are you doing?” he asked breathlessly, licking his lips.

Sehun sat back on the floor. It was all that he could do to stop himself from lunging at Chanyeol again. His cheeks burned as he gnawed at his lower lip and looked away. “I wanted to kiss you,” he admitted. As soon as he had said it, however, he wanted to pick the words up and stuff them back into his mouth.

He glanced at Chanyeol to look for signs of disgust.

But Chanyeol only gawked at him confusedly. “But you… you said that you had a… lover,” he let out.

“I do,” Sehun sighed. “But I don’t want you to think that… you misread my advancements, that I hadn’t… liked it. I don’t want you to… regret it.” He took hold of Chanyeol’s hand and pressed it to his chest.

With his fingers splayed over Sehun’s chest, Chanyeol arched his eyebrows.

“I have never felt this way,” whispered Sehun. “It’s… strange. New. It’s _irrational_.”

Chanyeol retrieved his hand and averted his gaze. “Sehun… It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have… done it either way. We can never…”

“Why not?” Sehun gasped. “Chanyeol, I don’t think of you as a… as what you think yourself to be. I… I believe that you deserve a second chance. Everyone does.”

Chanyeol turned to him again with an expression Sehun had never seen on him before. He was almost snarling, eyes narrowed, nostrils flaring, the white of eyes rapidly reddening. “And what if I hurt you, too?!” he yapped at Sehun.

Flinching, Sehun frowned at the other man. “You… won’t,” he let out.

Chanyeol’s expression softened, but he did not seem convinced. Heaving a sigh, he shook his head. “Your life is out there, Sehun. I never should have… let myself go like that.”

“What if I stayed?” Sehun said it before he even had a chance to think about it. All that he knew right now was that his heart and chest were in so much agony that he needed it to stop.

Chanyeol fixed him with a disbelieving look then. “What if you… stayed?” he exhaled before he closed his eyes and rubbed them.

“Would everything be okay, then?” asked Sehun. “If I stayed? Here?”

As Chanyeol’s eyes flung open again, they met Sehun’s in incredulity. “Why would you want to? For me? I’m no one to you. We didn’t even know each other some weeks ago. You’d throw away your entire life and stay here just so that you could what? Get to know me a little better and then realize I’m not exactly what you were looking for?”

Sehun bit his lip. Put that way, it sounded a little daunting. He did not want to live in this manor. He did not think that he would be able to hold onto his sanity if he stayed. But that irrational part of him wanted to stay.

He sucked in a breath and met Chanyeol’s gaze. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I know that… neither of us knows what it would be like… in the future. We don’t know if I’d like what I’d see in you. We don’t know if you’d be able to move on, forgive yourself, live again. But… we could find out. Don’t you want to… find out?”

Chanyeol’s eyes were welling up with tears. “The last time I cared for and loved someone, I ended up eradicating them forever from my life. I thought I would never… smile again. I would never _feel_ again.”

Sehun smiled sadly. “I never knew I was capable of feeling so strong for someone I barely know. But don’t you see? This is… our fate. Why must I decide to come here and visit my brother? Why must I be trapped here? Why must we talk that day? Why must you look in my way?”

Chanyeol swallowed, eyes boring into Sehun’s. Then at length, he said, “I’m not leaving, Sehun… But you should. A few days and you’ll forget me altogether.”

Silence stretched between them as Sehun gaped at Chanyeol. “I see,” he breathed out eventually and rose to his feet before he made his way out of the room, hurriedly wiping the tears that fell from his eyes.

It was not the end of the world. Perhaps Chanyeol would be right. Perhaps Sehun would forget all about him. But it did not make it any easier.

As he dragged himself to his room, he realized that he did not get the answer he had went looking for.

* * *

The following couple of days were rougher than usual. Sehun began to feel as sombre and blue as the rest of those in the manor. He left the conservatory to die once more, unable to get his head around anything that made sense.

When he spotted Chanyeol at his usual table in the dining hall, his stomach turned. He sat himself at a table far away from Chanyeol.

Everything felt glum and hopeless. It took him a while and a whole lot of brooding to understand that he was undergoing a period of depression for the first time in his life, where he wanted to do nothing but lay in the pallet all day. Which did not make anything any better.

On the third day, however, he was forced to leave the pallet and room when the Housemother summoned him down to the visiting quarters.

Sehun, with his heart in his mouth, followed her. “Who is it?” he asked her, wondering if it were his parents, who had figured out that he was stuck here. Perhaps it was someone from Grimwood, who had found him. Perhaps it was Kai.

“People from the ministry,” the Housemother then said disinterestedly. “For the investigation.”

“Have they found my brother?”

The Housemother did not answer.

Sehun did not know what to make of the turbulence in his sentience. He needed to get out of here, but he did not want to. He needed Shixun to be apprehended and punished for what he did, but he did not want his brother to suffer any more than he already had all these years. He knew he should stay away from Chanyeol now, but he did not want to.

Everything was so confusing.

Two men awaited him in the visiting quarters.

“Are you Sehun?” one of them inquired when Sehun walked in.

Nodding, Sehun eyed the two men with a grimace. “Have you found my brother?”

The same man raised an eyebrow at him. “According to this report, your brother, Shixun?”

“Yes,” Sehun said.

“Please, sit,” said the other man, whose head was bald.

Once Sehun had taken his seat, he surveyed the men’s faces. It felt strange to see people who weren’t always so dull and sad after so long.

“You claimed in your missive that you have been wrongfully put in here,” said the man from the ministry. Sehun nodded. “And that your brother had fled the manor in your place?”

“I had just come to visit him,” he said.

The bald man spoke again. “We cannot be sure that you are not Shixun.”

“I’m not,” Sehun spat with a grimace.

“Well, if you wish to leave the Clovervale Manor, you can, following the proper procedure. But according to what we’ve found, your Grimwood identity has been accessed several times in the last three weeks and ‘Sehun’ is currently at Grimwood.”

Sehun’s jaw dropped then. “It’s my brother… He’s at… Grimwood?”

That made no sense. Why would Shixun be at Grimwood?

And then some things began to make sense. That was why Sehun’s student badge was erased from his hand. Shixun needed it to access the Grimwood Academy. That was why he needed Sehun to remain in Clovervale Manor, while he was out there, pretending to be Sehun.

“If this proves to be an identity theft, your brother would be penalized accordingly,” said the bald man. “But we need proof for that.”

“I am not Shixun,” Sehun said through his teeth. “He’s out there, pretending to be me at Grimwood for some reason.”

“We will look into it. The wards will be brought down for you to leave in two days. We will come back to escort you to Grimwood. And if your brother is found guilty, further actions will be taken.”

“In… two days?” let out Sehun.

Nodding, the men rose to their full height.

* * *

He decided to put his pride aside the next day when he found Chanyeol by the old man’s portrait.

Coming to stand next to Chanyeol, who did not tear his gaze away from the painting, Sehun said, “I will be leaving soon.”

He received no response from the other man.

“Is that what you really want?” Sehun asked.

Still nothing.

He slid his hand into Chanyeol’s.

Flinching, Chanyeol turned to him and glanced at Sehun’s hand that was wrapped around his own. He pulled it back and walked away without a word.


	12. Chapter 12

He was running out of time.

Every sunup came with a dreadful warning. Every sundown a step closer to the end of everything that had made him feel alive for the past several weeks.

“Kai,” he whined, writhing against his lover, as Kai kissed him along his neck, a hand slithering into Shixun’s uniform shirt to stroke his waist. “I’m going to be late for Theurgy.”

“That’s okay,” Kai mumbled, pinning Shixun against the wall of the corridor before he claimed Shixun’s lips for a kiss.

Shixun brought a hand to Kai’s tattooed chest that was exposed by his mostly unlaced shirt and broke the kiss half-heartedly. “You’ve already gotten me in trouble twice this week,” he told Kai, who began to frown in dismay. “I can’t afford a third strike. Besides, you should get to your own class.”

Students who passed the corridor giggled when they saw Kai and Shixun getting chummy as usual during the breaktimes. Shixun was not entirely sure that he had gotten used to being so publicly… in love. But Kai certainly was.

“No, I don’t want to,” Kai groaned, pouting.

Shixun leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lover’s cheek. “I will make it up to you later. I promise.”

That seemed to have persuaded Kai to let him go. He retreated with a smirk. “Then I get to decide who does what to whom.”

Shixun blushed ferociously and shook his head before he turned around and started for the classroom. Kai caught his wrist and yanked him back for one final kiss. Then withdrawing with a smirk, he gave Shixun’s ass a smack before he walked away, waving Shixun a brief goodbye.

Hugging his books to his chest, Shixun jadedly made his way to his class, dazed and almost swooning. He loved Kai. He should tell Kai that.

Time was against him, however.

And the task he was sent here to do was forgotten.

Shixun thought that he had become an ordinary boy, who wanted all the ordinary things. When in fact , he was an extraordinary boy with extraordinary powers, who wanted the most extraordinary things in the world. Change, life, liberation, and love.

He did end up finding out the location of the Power Sigil at Grimwood after much reading and researching. But as he sat in the library, staring vacantly at the pages, he wondered how many lives he’d be destroying if his wish for the absence of magic came true.

What point was there if, in the end, he could not be with the person he loved after all? Kai would never forgive him. When he found out, he would want nothing to do with a criminal like Shixun.

Not to mention how he had played Kai for a fool, pretending to be Sehun, the one Kai thought he was in love with.

And Sehun…

The only family Shixun had that was capable of giving a damn about him, and Shixun had betrayed him in the worst way possible.

It was all beginning to dawn on him as his time neared its end.

He had failed the task. He had fallen in love. He had had a taste of the life he could have lived if he had been ordinary. He had almost brought the chaos that his Birth Prophecy inaugurated. No, he already had. The day he stepped out of the manor. One chaos after another.

He had to leave.

There was no other way. He had to make things right. And in order to do that, he had to leave. Before it all unravelled and he was left with no choice but to yield to his mistakes and pay for them.

As the evening fell, he ambled out of the library and headed for the tower where he believed the Power Sigil was located. Reaching the staircase, he stopped and glanced up. There were protective wards shielding the Power Sigil. Wards that were difficult to break. But Shixun was confident that his Mana was as strong, or perhaps stronger, than the wards. If he tried, he could break them. And then what? He’d get the Power Sigil and flee? Destroy it at the first chance he got his hands on it perhaps? Bring chaos to the world? But everyone would be free. _He_ would be free.

He saw no point to being free if his heart were bound and shackled to someone else.

The gates would open in two days. He’d leave. He’d return to the manor and accept his fate. His punishments. He was no hero. He was just a boy at the end of the day. He had been naïve and foolish to think that he could make a difference.

Perhaps he could have.

He turned around and left the tower, starting for Kai’s room.

* * *

That night, as he lay sleepless in the bed, watching Kai sleep sound and exhaustedly, he brought a hand to his lover’s chest that rose and fell steadily and walked it down to his abdomen. He would miss Kai. God, he knew that he would be leaving a huge part of him with Kai, and that part of him would always be lost.

A tear rolled off the corner of his eye and fell onto the pillow. He snuggled closer to Kai and carded his fingers through the other man’s hair.

“Kai,” he called in a breaking voice. He drew his hand back to Kai’s chest to gently shake him awake. “Kai…”

Kai’s eyes barely cracked open as he drowsily moaned out a, “Hmm…”

He shifted his weight on the bed and curled an arm around Shixun’s waist to pull him close. Their bare bodies were tangled together under the covers after an intense and laborious session of intimacy.

“Will you… make love to me?” Shixun whispered, eyes stinging with tears as he stroked Kai’s cheek with a palm. He realized that Kai hadn’t shaved in a while. His stubble was not visible, but the little hairs pricked Shixun’s fingers.

Kai opened his eyes and blinked them languidly at Shixun. “What?” he let out. “But didn’t we just…”

Shixun leaned his head and kissed Kai’s soft, warm lips, slipping a hand down to take hold of Kai’s limp cock before summoning his Mana. That woke Kai up all the way. He promptly started returning the kiss, hands grabbing Shixun’s hips, yanking him close.

Then pinning Shixun down on the bed, Kai mounted him, their cocks and hips grinding under the blanket. A groan rumbled in Kai’s chest as Shixun wrapped his legs around Kai’s waist.

He pulled back to look into Shixun’s eyes for a moment. “Are you… sure?”

Shixun hoped that Kai would not notice the tears in his eyes. “Yes,” he panted out. “I’ve never… been surer of anything.”

Kai frowned. “It’s going to… hurt.”

Shixun drew Kai back down for a kiss. Then breaking the kiss briefly, he stared at Kai, running his hands slowly along Kai’s back. At length, he whispered, “I… love you, Kai… I hope… you believe that.”

Kai blinked at him. He seemed… taken aback by the sudden confession. Then with a faint smile, he lowered his head and gently brushed their lips together. “I guess you’d want to skip your morning classes tomorrow,” he breathed against Shixun’s mouth, a hand sliding down to cup Shixun’s ass before he knelt up and turned Shixun to lie on his stomach.

Shixun’s breath hitched as Kai’s cock lined against the cleft of his ass when Kai leaned down to pepper his back with kisses, firmly holding Shixun’s hands against the pillow.

He wanted the night to last forever. Pain or pleasure, he wanted to get as close as he possibly could to the man he loved. It was wrong. It was all very wrong. He didn’t care. Not in that moment.

* * *

“We will miss you,” said Julie, pulling back from the embrace.

Sehun smiled down at her. “I’m sure we’ll meet again… Somehow,” he sighed. “I will come visit. I promise.”

Julie bowed her head and made way for Miyana to hug Sehun goodbye. She told him that they would continue to take care of the conservatory. “The next time you visit, there’ll be actual plants there,” she told him.

Sehun glanced around the dining hall. Everyone was looking at him. They never said a word to him, but there was something in their gaze that spelled that they had always seen him, that they knew him. Perhaps if he had stayed longer, they might have even broken the ice and talked to him. But he would leave the manor knowing that he had done what he could to start something new around here.

He wended his way to the sunroom for one last time. It was occupied by a few. That made him smile. He recalled the day he had been holed up in here with Chanyeol, and his smile faltered.

The men from the ministry would be here any moment now. Sehun’s heart was pounding in his chest. Would Chanyeol not even say goodbye?

“They’re here.”

Sehun jumped with a start and turned around to face the Housemother. “You scared me.”

Rolling her eyes, the Housemother began to walk away.

“Did you say… they’re here?” Sehun asked, hurrying after her. “Already?”

“They’re waiting for you at the door.”

Sehun’s throat tightened as he stopped dead in his tracks. The Housemother turned to him again with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, are you coming? The wards will stay down for an hour.”

Sehun glanced down the hallway, toward Chanyeol’s room. His hands balled into fists. He really was not going to tell Sehun goodbye. Maybe that was for the better.

“Can you give me a moment?” he told the Housemother. “I will be down in a jiffy.”

As the Housemother left him be, Sehun started for Chanyeol’s room. Chanyeol might not want to see him before he left, but Sehun wanted to look into his eyes one last time and ask if this was what he really wanted. He needed to tell Chanyeol one final time that he could not be afraid to fly again after falling once.

But when he knocked on the door, he received no answer. He knew Chanyeol was in there, on the other side of the door, refusing to see him.

“Chanyeol,” he called in a low voice, splaying his fingers on the door. He should say what he came to say. But as a sob crawled up his throat, he weakly muttered, “I’ll be… thinking of you. I’ll… miss you.”

There wasn’t a response.

Wiping a tear that betrayed his eyes, Sehun pulled away from the door and turned on his heel.

His laboured breaths came out short and struggled. Every step he advanced toward the front door was heavier than the one before. The two men from the ministry were awaiting him at the door.

“Have you got no belongings to take with you?” one of them inquired.

Sehun shook his head. He was sure he owned nothing to take with him from here, but he was dead certain that he was leaving something behind.

“Are you ready, then?” asked the other man.

Sehun glanced back at the stairs. Then sighing, he turned away. “Yes… I am.”

The door opened. His stomach knotted. By the gates, two guards awaited them, swords and shackles hanging at their hips. “After you, then,” said the man from the ministry.

Sehun never knew he’d be so devastated to leave a place he once thought was the most hellish place on earth. He stepped outside.

“Next stop, Grimwood. According to the check-ins, your brother is still there,” said the bald man. “The Headmaster will be waiting to receive us.”

Sehun closed his eyes momentarily and drew in a sharp breath.

* * *

“Are you all right?” Kai asked for the nth time with that guilty frown that would not leave his face.

Shixun grumbled quietly as he took his seat at a table in the feast hall. “Will you please stop asking me that?” he hissed to Kai, who plumped down next to him, curling an arm around his waist.

“I feel bad,” Kai hissed. “You look like you’re in pain.”

He was in discomfort, yes. The pain had subdued, however, leaving him with a sore, slightly burning sensation. And he couldn’t really sit or walk straight. “I’m not in pain,” he told Kai. “I like… what I’m feeling, Kai. If I were in pain, I can heal myself.”

Kai sighed, nuzzling his nose against Shixun’s neck. “I thought I had gone to heaven last night,” he admitted in a breathy whisper. Shixun did not want to talk about it. Especially not in the feast hall while they were surrounded by a hundred students. But Kai had not stopped clinging to him since they woke up this morning, spent and exhausted, with Kai still buried inside Shixun.

But Shixun did not particularly hate the attention he was getting from Kai at the moment.

There were just other things on his mind right now. Like how he was going to run away without a word tomorrow, leaving Kai, leaving Grimwood, leaving everything.

“My life has never been so perfect,” Kai then said, brushing a kiss to Shixun’s temple.

Shixun looked at him and smiled before giving Kai’s lips a peck. If only Kai knew how untrue that was…

* * *

Later that day, during dinner, Kai held out a slice of roasted potato to Shixun. “Say ‘ah’,” he chimed.

Shixun groaned. “You don’t have to baby me anymore, Kai. I feel fine now.”

“But I like it.” He smirked. When Shixun ate from his hand, he gave Shixun’s cheek a kiss. “Good boy. Got to take good care of you so that I can smash that again tonight.”

Shixun almost choked as he looked up at Kyungsoo on the other side of the table, who was gawking at them stupidly. Then grimacing with disgust, he picked his plate up and went to sit at another table.

“Kai,” Shixun sighed.

“Sehun,” a voice called from behind.

He turned around to look up at Professor Xi. “Professor?” he said, rising from the bench. Kai stood up with him.

The professor was scowling. “I need you to come with me at once.”

Shixun exchanged a glance with Kai. Then clearing his throat, he said, “Is this about last night? I hadn’t checked into my dorm room. But I was… I was at the dorms.”

“He was with me, Professor,” said Kai sternly. “I can vouch for that.”

“It’s not about that,” said the professor. “I need you to follow me to the Headmaster’s office right away.”

Shixun’s heart dropped. _No_ … _God, no…_

“What for?” asked Kai.

“That’s none of your business, Kai,” said the professor as he grabbed Shixun’s arm. “Come along now.”

Shixun followed the professor out of the feast hall with his stomach clenching and turning. Something was wrong. They knew. They knew.

He looked back at Kai, who was hurrying after them.

“Is he in trouble?” he asked the instructor.

“Oh, we’re about to find out, aren’t we?” Professor Xi spat through his teeth.

“Kai…” Shixun let out in a panic as they neared the Headmaster’s office.

Kai grabbed hold of his hand. “It’s going to be fine,” he said. No, it wasn’t…

They came to a halt when they reached the corridor outside the Headmaster’s office that was crowded by four unfamiliar men. Two of them looked like guards.

Then the Headmaster exited the office with a familiar face at his side. One that was… too familiar.

Sehun turned away from the Headmaster to glance to Shixun and Kai. His eyes instantly darted to their clasped hands.

Shixun felt his body fall limp as Kai’s fingers around his loosen before he let go of Shixun’s hand completely.

The Headmaster was tall, all skin and bones, but he was fairly young, sporting a thick, black beard. Crossing his arms over his chest, he turned to Shixun.

“The tests are conclusive,” said the Headmaster to the ministers. “On our behalf and the incompetency of our security system, we will compensate Mister Sehun for all of his distress. His admittance to Grimwood will be restored. We are very sorry that our security system was compromised. I cannot describe my shame.”

“It is all well and proper, Headmaster,” said one of the men from the ministry. “Further action will be taken from our side.”

The Headmaster turned to Shixun then. “We’re going to give you a chance to come clean, Mister Shixun,” he said. “Confess to your crimes and we will make sure that you are taken away from here unharmed. If you try anything funny, I will not hesitate to use power against you.”

“Perhaps we should discuss this inside,” said the minister.

The Headmaster nodded.

Professor Xi’s grip on Shixun’s arm tightened as he yanked him toward the office.

Shixun could not look back at Kai. He wanted the earth to swallow him up right then and there. His hands reddened as he unconsciously summoned his Mana before recanting it as he brushed past Sehun, who only looked at him with something like pity and apology in his eyes.

* * *

“Why?” asked the Headmaster.

Shixun sat still in his seat, a lump gnawing at the walls of his throat. The Headmaster leaned against his desk. The guards from the ministry did not leave Shixun’s side.

“I asked you a question, Mister Shixun. Why did you break into Grimwood?”

Shixun could not speak. His mind was elsewhere. He did not even worry that he was about to be taken to prison. He was afraid of leaving the office and facing Kai and Sehun again.

“What was your motive?” asked one of the ministers. “Records show that you had an anonymous visitor, whose identity is not registered at the ministry, a couple of days before your escape. Who approached you? Are they the reason you came here?”

“The longer you stay silent the guiltier we think of you,” said the Headmaster.

Shixun looked up at the man at last, eyes red with tears. “I wanted to be free. Like all of you,” he said in a quiet voice before hanging his head again. It was all that he would say.

When he did not give them anything else, the ministers decided that he would respond better to a few months in the prison and some severe punishments there before he’d be sent back to the manor with a permanent black mark on his name.

He was to never to return to Grimwood. He was to never be permitted into any public institutions.

Shixun said nothing to any of that.

“Let’s take him away,” said the minister, ordering the guards.

Shixun rose from the chair then, looking to the Headmaster with pleading eyes. “Can I speak to my brother? Just… one last time? Please?”

After glancing to the ministers, who did not voice an objection, the Headmaster nodded his head. “In shackles you may.”

Shixun held his hands out to the guards who shackled his wrists. They then accompanied him out of the office.

He found Sehun and Kai in the corridor, their backs facing him as Sehun told Kai, “I’m sorry, Kai… He shouldn’t… have done this to either of you…”

As the chain on the shackles clanged, they turned around to look at Shixun. Kai’s eyes were bloodshot, his hands were clenched at his sides. He looked furious and devastated at the same time.

Shixun let a tear drop from his eye as he took a step forward to Kai.

He stopped, however, when Kai spun around and stomped away from him, jaw locked, eyes glaring and face scrunched up in sheer anger.

Shixun glanced to Sehun then. His brother was frowning sadly at him. “What did we ever do to you,” he asked Shixun, voice cracking. “that you chose to… ruin us like this? I get why you… you might hate _me_ , but what did he do to you?”

“Sehun, I—” Shixun began to say, choking on a sob.

Shaking his head, Sehun walked away, too.

“Time to go,” said the minister.

Shixun stood there for a moment, hoping that he had never been born for possibly the millionth time. He had made his mistakes. Now, it was time for him to pay for them.

As he was taken away, he realized that there was a way for him to end it all. Perhaps he had always known it and he just didn’t have the courage before. But he did now. Because he no longer had any dream to realize or hope to cling onto. He had lost everything. He had nothing to lose.


	13. epilogue

Perhaps things would change eventually. But for now, it was not at all what Sehun had thought it would be like returning home, leaving the manor he dreaded so. Once he had bathed and clothed himself, he sank in his bed and stared vacantly at nothing. It felt strange to be back here, as though a huge part of his life had been stolen. And the other part left at the manor.

The door swung open, and Kyungsoo burst in, eyes almost popping out of their sockets.

Sehun looked up at him tiredly.

“Y-You…” Kyungsoo began before trailing off as he hurried to Sehun’s side. He took a moment to scrutinize his roommate. “I… heard about…” He panted, as though he had raced his way up the stairs. Then scrubbing his face with his hands, he asked, “Is it true? The whole school’s talking about it. Was it… really not… you?”

He seemed alarmed and disappointed.

“How…” Kyungsoo gasped. “I suspected something was off… Where is Sehun… I mean… your doppelganger now?”

“He’s my brother,” Sehun muttered lifelessly, burying his face in his hands.

Kyungsoo dropped on the edge of his own bed, mouth agape, eyes growing misty. “Why would he… He was… so nice, though. Why was he here, pretending to be you?”

Sehun rose from the bed and meandered his way out of the room without another word. He had never really been friends with Kyungsoo, and the latter had never cared to be his friend either. But it seemed like he must have become friends with Shixun.

His head was muddled. He should not have dismissed his brother the way he had. He should have listened to what Shixun had to say. He should have demanded an explanation. He should have wanted to know what had prompted Shixun to do such a thing.

And then he wondered why Shixun would want to come here of all places and take Sehun’s place? He certainly must have known that it wouldn’t be long before Sehun would return. Still, why did he choose to stay here, living Sehun’s ordinary life?

He came to a stop when he found Kai at the bottom of the stairs of the tower, seated on the steps with shoulders slumped and head hung. Whatever sparks there once were between them had clearly been extinguished. Sehun was certain that even Kai knew that there was no going back for either of them.

He sat down next to Kai, who raised his head and glanced at him. “Fuck,” he let out and shook his head, clenching his eyes.

Sehun bit on the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry, Kai,” he said. It felt like he was talking to a stranger.

Kai must have felt the same way because he was refusing to even look at Sehun as he kept his eyes low, jaw gripped as tightly as his fists. “What are _you_ sorry for? He’s the one who played me for a fool.”

Sehun frowned. He still hadn’t figured out why Shixun would do such a thing, though. If he had learned anything in the past month, it was that he did not know anything about what Shixun was truly capable of. But he knew one thing. His brother was not so shallow to do anything out of spite. If he were, he would have done it a long time ago and would not have let himself get caught so clumsily. There was something else. Something more.

“Maybe he didn’t,” Sehun muttered.

Kai closed his eyes again. “I really… really fell for him, thinking that I was… falling for you. Just stabbing me through the heart would have been easier. All this while, I was dumb enough to believe that he was you.”

“You suspected nothing?”

Kai took a moment to respond. But he eventually shook his head and said, “I guess I didn’t know you at all. In spite of knowing you for… two months. But in just weeks’ time, I… I knew him.” His voice died a little. “I thought I knew him. I keep trying to wrap my head around this but… I just can’t. I’m the one who’s sorry… Sehun.”

The name sounded thick on his tongue, as though he were reluctant to say it.

“What are you sorry for?” Sehun sighed. “You didn’t know it wasn’t me.”

“But you’re the one I wanted. You’re the one I thought I was falling in love with. When we were together, you’re the one I thought I was…” he trailed off, face twisting in pain as if to relive a fond memory that was now tarnished.

“Hearts change, Kai.” And Sehun was guilty of that himself.

Kai looked at him then. “Why would he do such a thing?”

Sehun shrugged and exhaled heavily. “I don’t know. And at this point, I suppose it doesn’t matter. I can’t decide if he ruined us or helped us.”

“Helped us?”

Sehun licked his lips and met Kai’s tortured gaze. “I met someone, too. And unlike you, I knew that it wasn’t you. I couldn’t… stop myself, anyway.”

Kai nodded his head and rubbed his temples. The news did not seem to have taken him aback or even affect him. “You know what the worst thing is?” he said, sounding miserable. “Even now… after everything, I still love him. And I don’t even fucking know his name.”

“It’s Shixun,” Sehun said, smiling sadly. Kai dropped his face in his hand.

“I don’t know how much of it was a lie…”

Sehun took a breath. “When we were nine,” he began, and Kai looked up at him again. “our parents sent him off to the Clovervale Manor. It’s a home for the… rejects and misfits. Those with Mana that made them dangerous or weird.”

“What?” Kai let out, eyebrows dipping low.

“Our parents feared that my brother’s ill Birth Prophecy would come true. So, they washed their hands off him. They left him there when he was just a child. But he waited, I suppose. He waited for them to take him one day. He said he wanted to be free. So, I don’t understand why he did any of this. Maybe he was up to something. Maybe he changed his mind. But I don’t think he’d lie… if he said that he loved you.”

Kai glanced away, lost in his own thoughts. They sat there in silence for long.

* * *

Things did get better with time. Sehun received his student badge back and resumed his studies. He and Kai were not exactly on speaking terms. Kai avoided him as much as he could, but when they’d run into each other in the corridors, they’d simply smile at each other. But Sehun could tell that it was killing Kai to even look at him.

He went to see his parents one of the following weeks. He told them what had happened. Their parents nonchalantly said that they expected Shixun to behave as such. Sehun told them that it was their fault to begin with. He had been proud of that. He stood up to them for the first time and defended his brother. They had been appalled, but they did not gainsay.

The dullness in his life returned. It felt as though he had lost all purpose once again.

Although he never tried to see Shixun again—once bitten, twice shy—he kept himself posted of his brother’s whereabouts. Shixun was given minimal punishment after Sehun had appealed for a retraction of his charges against his brother. He had still committed an offence by trespassing on Grimwood grounds. He would have to face the charges for that. His sentence was reduced to seven months in prison with the opportunity to return to the manor once he was freed. It was the one place Shixun had left to go now. The one place that would not reject him.

Kai soon graduated later that year. Sehun congratulated him when he saw Kai in the corridor, clearing his dorm room out.

“What are you plans, then?” Sehun inquired.

“It won’t be the last time you see me at Grimwood. I’m starting as junior Combative Magic instructor next term. I told you I wanted to become an instructor,” Kai said with a half a smile, holding a box of his belongings.

Sehun blinked. “No, you never told me.”

Kai’s face died then. “Right… I told…” he trailed off, breath snagging in his chest. Sehun lowered his head. Even a fool could see that Kai had not moved on. He really must have fallen in love, deep and serious, with Shixun if he could not even forget those few measly weeks they had been together.

Sehun could say the same for him and Chanyeol.

He never tried to contact Chanyeol after coming back from the manor. But not a day passed where he did not wonder what and how the man was doing. And he prayed every night that Chanyeol would forgive himself one day.

For weeks, he contemplated sending the manor a missive for a visit in the future. But what would be the point? Would he not just torment the both of them if he went to see Chanyeol again?

Life was slowly reverting to what it was before he left for the manor. Maybe he should just let it go now.

“Sehun,” Kyungsoo said when Sehun entered the room after dinner. “You received a postal order and a letter. It’s on your desk.”

Sehun said little to Kyungsoo like he always did and made his way to the desk. He found a postal order from his mother and an anonymous letter addressed to him. With curiosity and confusion, he opened the letter and perched on his bed to read it.

A folded parchment fell from it. He examined its content first. There were only squiggles and meaningless patterns inked onto the page. But his heart skipped a beat then.

Setting the painting aside, he hurriedly unfolded the letter and started reading.

_Dear Sehun,_

_The kindest boy I know once told me to stop being afraid. Even then, I was so afraid to listen to him. He promised to be by me in my quest to set myself free again if I gave him the chance. If his offer still stands, I would like to give him that chance and relieve my tortured heart that has gone woeful in his absence. I should have told him… I should have looked him in the eye and told him that I hadn’t been the man I was since the day I met him. I should have been brave enough to tell him goodbye. Perhaps I didn’t because I had loathed to say it. Even now, I am not sure, as he is reading this, if he still felt the same. But if he did, I will await him outside the gates when the sun comes up on the fourteenth day of the month._

Sehun lowered the letter, breathless and jaded.

The fourteenth day of the month. That was tomorrow when the gates of Grimwood would open again.

He picked up the painted parchment again. He could not make sense of what was drawn on it.

And then he recalled the portrait of the old man. Of course.

Mustering his Mana, he undid the magic placed upon the painting. He then watched the ink rearrange itself into a painting of himself, standing in the sunroom back at the manor, facing the window with a smile on his face.

A similar grin took form on his lips then as he hugged the parchment to his chest, eyes stinging with tears.

“You look awfully happy,” said Kyungsoo.

Sehun leaped off the bed and hurried to his roommate to haul him into a vicious hug before planting a firm kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek. “You have no idea!”

* * *

On the fourteenth day, Sehun nervously paced his room, waiting for the bell to peal. His heart had been thunderously thudding against his ribs since the moment he roused. Would he really be there, Sehun wondered. Would he be waiting outside the gates? Had he really left the manor?

It all seemed too good to be true.

And then the bell tolled.

Not wasting another moment, he tore his way out of the room and belted down the tower as fast as his feet could carry him.

The path to the gates was crowded with students who were leaving Grimwood for the day. Sehun jostled past them, keeping his eyes on the open gates until he spotted a tall, dark-haired man, clad in a black coat.

He stopped in his tracks as his heart almost jumped out of his chest.

Perhaps this was what love was.

Chanyeol turned and his eyes darted to Sehun, whose feet were refusing to cooperate for a length as he gawked at the man. It felt like a dream.

Then before he even knew what he was doing, he was sprinting toward the gates. Chanyeol’s jaw fell slightly slack as he stared at Sehun, as though he were looking at a ghost. His chest began to heave.

And Sehun ran into his arms that quickly enveloped around the other, he pressed his nose to the crook of Sehun’s neck and inhaled sharply. “Sehun,” he gasped as Sehun broke into a sob.

“Took you long enough, old man,” Sehun whimpered, pulling back to look up at Chanyeol with tears streaking his cheeks. Chanyeol’s own eyes were glistening, but he smiled, pressing their foreheads together.

* * *

The carriage rocked to a stop.

The day was ominously dark. Shixun wondered if it would rain. That would seem apt for a day with death, wouldn’t it? The world was finally agreeing with him.

He had broken rules. He had committed crimes. He had put his brother through hell for nothing. And worst of all, he had broken the trust of a man who had loved him. As much as Shixun had wanted his own misery to end, he figured that it would be fair for him to face the punishments meted out to him. For a while, at least.

As he exited the carriage and looked ahead at the Clovervale Manor, he thought of the little child that hid behind his mother’s kirtle, afraid and worried. He was no longer afraid or worried. In fact, he had never been braver.

Those seven months in prison were more than just loneliness and gruel he could not stomach. There was quiet. And his thoughts and guilt were so loud in that quiet. It took every ounce of his strength every day not to use his Mana to destruct his own self. And Keda never contacted him again.

But now that he had paid the fair charges for his crimes, he was free to do whatever he wanted to end his misery. He was not stepping foot into that manor again.

He summoned his Mana and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths as he stood facing the gates that would soon open for him. Slowly, he began to poison the air he was breathing while simultaneously ceasing the flow to and from his heart.

“Shixun?”

He paused abruptly, eyes widening. That voice… He’d recognize that voice anywhere. Was he really hearing it or was it just another dream he would have cruelly wake up from again?

He turned around.

Kai looked a little different. His hair was slightly longer. His clothes were different from the ones he used to wear at the school. He had a different longsword hanging at his hip now. There wasn’t a hint of humour or joy in his hard expression. His eyes had never been so stony. The usual softness in his gaze was gone. He looked like a man who had grieved, whose circumstances had hardened every part of his soul.

Shixun tried to steady himself, but his knees were ready to give in at any moment.

He realized it was the first time Kai had ever said his name.

Kai closed the distance between them as Shixun continued to stare at him wordlessly, breathlessly.

Stopping only a foot before Shixun, Kai scowled. He was silent for a moment. Shixun bit his tongue. It was all that he could to not to break into tears.

And then Kai spoke. “I just want to know one thing. Was… any of it… real for you?” He sounded like a broken man as he said it.

Shixun lowered his head and let a tear drop to the gravels. “You… were the realest thing I had ever had in my life, Kai.”

He could no longer hold back the tears that streamed down his face. He wanted Kai to go away, to leave him be, and not torment him any more than he had already been all his life. He was tired. He just wanted to be free now. In the most liberal way possible.

For the longest moment, Kai remained silent. Then in a hoarse voice, he said, “I cannot forgive you for… lying. For making me believe that I was in love with someone I thought I knew. Someone… else. Someone I thought I chose. Now, I realize, I didn’t choose you. I chose… your brother.”

Shixun wanted to stop breathing. “Kai, please… leave. I can’t… do this.”

“No, you need to hear this,” he spat through his teeth. “You have to know how it was for me to find out that I didn’t even know the person I was laying with. And the fact that he was completely fine with it.”

God, if only Kai knew…

Shixun wiped his cheeks. “I have paid for my mistakes, Kai… What else do you want me to do? How can I… stop you from hurting? If I… went as far away as I could from you, would that help? Or would you rather… you cut me open with your own sword? I never wanted to hurt you, but I did anyway… So, I’m ready… to accept whatever punishments you think I deserve.”

Kai was silent for a length. Even in his silence, his anger and resentment were so loud. “You know what is killing me more than anything?” he let out. “I couldn’t… stop loving you, wanting you, in spite of everything.”

Then Kai cupped a side of his face to lift it so that he could meet Shixun’s eyes. His own eyes were stained with tears. He tilted his head and pressed his lips against Shixun’s.

Clenching his eyes tightly, Shixun tightened his fists around Kai’s shirt, not daring to breathe as Kai kissed him tenderly, as though he were worried of hurting him.

Shixun tasted salt on Kai’s lips, unsure of whether it came from his own tears or Kai’s.

When they broke apart, they stopped to catch their breath for a moment, Kai’s hand still clasped against Shixun’s face.

“You should have told me,” whispered Kai.

“You wouldn’t have wanted me if I had…”

Kai’s eyes flung open. “My heart knew what it wanted, Shixun. You didn’t even give me the chance to love _you_ … all of you for everything you are.”

Shixun shook his head lightly. “You wouldn’t love me for everything I am.”

“Why don’t we find out?” said Kai, blinking at the tears in his eyes.

Shixun stared at him then. “What?”

“I... love you... It’s always you. It’s always going to be you. There's nothing I could do to change that... But I want to know… if you really do love me or if I were just… part of your scheme.”

Shixun panted and clung onto Kai’s shirt, dropping his head. “You weren’t. You weren’t, Kai. That’s the problem… I fell in love for the first time and I knew it was wrong. But everything I was with you was real. I was real. My feelings were real. My… love for you was real.”

Kai brought Shixun’s face up again and looked into his eyes. “I don’t really know if things will ever be the same between us. But I’m willing to try. Trust me for once. Let me help you to… be free, to reach your dream to be free. You don’t have to… do it alone.”

Shixun broke down in Kai’s arms then, burying his face against Kai’s shoulder as Kai wrapped his arms around his trembling body.

If only Kai knew that somewhere along the way… he had become Shixun’s dream.


End file.
